Spread The Love

On occasion I will share the spotlight when I think there is helpful info or just a downright funny blog to read.

This is one of those times. It’s sorta like the male version of my blog. I nearly wet myself from laughing.

Diary of a Disillusioned Dater

It’s a Small World After All

You’ve heard me joke that sometimes I feel like I have exhausted the NYC dating pool. After a while, everyone (online at least) looks familiar and every time a friend wants to set me up in real life, with some who sounds “right up my alley” I usually ask what their screen name is. I even ask friends for pictures or names to make sure I haven’t already dated/rejected/been rejected by the guy. It’s a big city but a small world.

So I’m with a friend of mine today and we’re in the subway, when this guy comes up to her that she knows and gives her a warm hello, hey how ya been? I take a look at him and within moments I think to myself, oh shit, I know who this guy is. They begin to chat and she introduces us. He immediately pauses for a moment, looks at me and says “You look familiar, what’s your last name?” I’m thinking, oh no, please do not piece this together or I will be mortified. I tell him my last name knowing that it won’t mean a thing. Sure enough, it did not. “Hmmm….I feel like I’ve seen you before.” Just as I’m thinking (and hoping) it will slide, my friend, unknowingly chimes in “oh you guys probably have seen each other online.” IXNAY! ZIP it, please drop this…it’s not going to end pretty I’m silently chanting to myself, praying he won’t figure it out. Not while he’s standing in front of me anyhow.

As they chat and catch up, I begin to size him up and go back in time to how I knew him. Went down something like this…Several years back, either match.com or jdate, I see his profile and I’m instantly smitten with his photos. Wow, he is really handsome! He had the salt & pepper thing rocking, which I have already admitted I’m a sucker for. Looked good on paper at the time, career, education, stats etc. although I couldn’t tell you anything specific about him now. I wrote him, introduced myself, bla bla bla…yadda, yadda, yadda….he never wrote back. He did, however, check out my profile, meaning he looked at me, read  my profile and then rejected me. Ouch. But this is all part of the process, whatever. Why I remember some people and not others, I could not say, but for some reason he stuck in my brain.

Maybe a year after that, I’m downtown standing on a random street corner, when I notice a huge ad on the side of a bus stop or phone booth or the like, and it’s this giant head. Staring at me. Really handsome. Salt & Pepper. An ad for some realtor, saying “Joe blow uses us, look at how handsome and successful he is and he uses OUR real estate agency to buy his fabulous hi-rise bachelor pad!” Of course the ad didn’t say that literally, but that was certainly the message. I’m looking, I’m looking…..hmm…..where do I know this guy?…..Oh crap, that’s the guy from online that I thought was so handsome that I wrote and he blew me off. I know this because I’m pretty sure it’s the exact same photo/head shot that he used for his profile! Too funny, I thought. See, I’m not the only one that thought he was incredibly handsome and a catch – even the real estate agency wanted to use him to lure in potential buyers!

And didn’t think about it again…

Until today….

When he showed up in the subway and was a friend of my friends, standing next to me trying to figure out why I looked familiar!

But here’s the clincher. It was smoke and mirrors. Perhaps he was having a bad day, he was in sweats in the subway after all, but I gotta tell you – he did NOT resemble that handsome dreamboat I envisioned on the other end of the profile/life-size advertisement.  Kinda like meeting a model in person and you realize how much retouching and good lighting plays into an alluring photo. And when he spoke, he sounded more like a car salesman than a regal Prince. The illusion was totally shattered, and yet I felt somewhat relieved that he was just a normal guy. I’m not saying this to be bitchy, I’m sure he cleans up ok, but was a part of me somewhat vindicated now that I saw the real person that rejected me was nothing all that special? Maybe just a pinch. Just made me realize how quickly we judge someone by a photo, form an opinion, possibly create a fantasy and how that can mean for the better or the worse. The entire conversation lasted no more than 2 minutes, so I cannot say anything in-depth on his character or personality, he seemed like a nice guy. Not the hot asshole I assumed he was.

Personally, I’ve been lucky that most of my dates look the same or better in person. But perhaps this is a lesson that professional headshots (retouched or not) are only going to lead to a letdown when your date realizes you’re just a regular Joe or Jane. Sometimes it’s better to not have high expectations and be pleasantly surprised. I’m just saying…

Anyone know this site?

Just discovered this site. Not sure what I think yet but I’ll let you decide.

Mc Dreamy Part II

So I left off where I was trying to understand in my brain and explain why someone would want to remain cyber buddies but not follow-up with a real life date. I think people like to chat online sometimes out of sheer boredom. Or perhaps “keep me in the mix” while pursuing other interests. Who knows.

Mc Dreamy is one of a few people who I have gone out with that I would rank as a favorite. What that means is that I respect and like the person but for whatever reason we just didn’t connect or fell victim to bad timing. Basically, it’s a get-out-of-jail-free card for the guy. As much as I like to think I don’t take any shit from anyone, nor will I ever be somebody’s second choice, a favorite has a way of always charming themselves back into my good graces. Am I delusional? Maybe. But the little voice in my head says there is a reason why somebody keeps hanging around or coming back.

Now before you think it’s for some booty, I must tell you I’ve never even kissed Mc Dreamy. If we did it was so nonchalant that I barely recall. I always think there must be some little deal breaker (unbeknownst to me) that is holding him back from pursuing things further. After all there is obviously something about me that he DOES like.

Our online exchanges have consisted of IM’s, emails, maybe texts, I can’t remember. What I do remember is that he checks in and out at will. When he wants to. Last time we had tentative plans and then something came up at the last-minute and we just never rescheduled. I told myself, if he really wanted to go out with me, he knows how and were to find me. I’m not chasing him this is stupid.

That’s the logical side of my brain. Now the emotional part of my brain just keeps chanting…. but I loooove him! He’s so dreamy, he’s so funny and smart and nice and ….and…..I loooove him! Hmmm…quite a quandary. I need to stay strong (or at least appear independent and strong) while I’m dying on the inside to go out again. I hate when I’m such a girl!

Last week I was trolling one of the sites that my membership elapsed on. Which one doesn’t matter as it’s same shit different day – they’re all the same. I appeared online but can’t read messages. All of a sudden, I see an IM coming in from him. Shit, what to do?! Part of me was excited and part of me annoyed. I’m NOT going to jump at his message to IM, that’s what I’ve done every other time. So I ignored him. Only problem with that, is now his message went straight to my inbox which is locked until I shell out another month’s membership dues…shit! Will my curiosity get the best of me? Yes of course it will. Question is how long can I hold out?

The answer, btw….is somewhere between 3-5 days.

Oh wait, I had another reason I wanted to join. There was this guy in Boston. He flirted with me, made me a favorite, viewed me over and over. Basically tried every possible way to say “hey, I sorta like you”……without actually shelling out the clams for a membership. Cheap bastard. How interested can he be if I’m not worth $40? Maybe because he’s in Boston and I’m in NY? I was intrigued. And we’ve already discovered from the last few dates that I have in fact, dated all the eligible men within my criteria in Manhattan. Plus I dig a road trip just as much as the next guy. I’d rather hump it to Boston than Patterson, NJ.

So I joined. And now I can write him. Question is…..will he be intrigued enough to pay to read it?

So for those of you hanging on the edges of your seat for the Mc Dreamy message…..

Hey Stranger!

Dr. McDreamy Part I

Dr. McDreamy is a guy I first went out with a year or so ago. I was immediately attracted to him. In a big way. But more than that, he (seemed like) the total package. Smart, funny, nice, down to Earth Jewish Dr., who happens to be attractive. Score! We had drinks and an enjoyable date. I can’t remember exactly how it ended, but we had plans to go out again.

His hospital is very close to my apartment so we had decided to go out after his shift, somewhere in my neighborhood. I was so excited. And on the brink of a stomach flu that I didn’t know at the time. Morning of the date, I woke up feeling crappy and then it got progressively worse. But was I going to cancel? No way! I’m a trooper, what’s a little cramping when I’m with the man whose children I want to bear!

We touched base at some point during the day and he was supposed to call me on his way out around 7. The phone rang at 6:50. Bad news.

A very sick man stumbled into the ER at 6:30. Coughing up blood, gasping for air and clearly fighting for life. Dr D. was getting ready to wrap up a long shift….until this. So of course he attends to the man. The hospital staff originally figured he had hepatitis and possibly AIDS at first glance. He literally waited until his last few breaths to seek medical attention. So he’s on the table and Dr. D is attending to him when….he coughs up blood….into the Doctor’s face…..into his eye. He passed soon after that.

Meanwhile the Doc now had potentially lethal blood spatters in his system and needed to be treated immediately. Blood tests would take a day to come back so they needed to assume the worst. And start treating him with HIV medications amongst other things. Now, I know you’re wondering how this is a dating story so I’ll get back to the evening.

He calls me up and tells me the story and how he is in a bad mood and freaked out amongst other things and feels terrible about messing up our plans. Not to worry I assure him, I mean how can you be mad at that? He then asks if I would like to just get together and maybe just do something mellow close by. He didn’t want to cancel.

Sure, I say. Why don’t you come over and we can either just relax and have a glass of wine and if you feel up to it, we can go out. He agreed.

When he arrived he asked if he could shower and immediately disposed of his paper scrubs, which did in fact have blood on them.  Between his funk and my stomach neither or us was really at our best so we chatted a little and then watched a movie. He left and thanked me for understanding.

Busy schedules, phone tag and/or some other lame excuses followed and we just never wound up meeting again. In person that is. But our cyber relationship has continued to this day…..

to be continued…..

Sloppy Seconds

So this week’s trolling session goes something like this…..

I see this guy. He looks okay. I’m not jumping out of my skin, but he looks….okay. Something may or may not be going on with his teeth, but maybe they’re just shitty pictures with bad lighting. I have a “thing” with nice teeth. I read the profile, he seems like a nice guy. Well rounded, educated, even has a Matt Lauer thing about him going on. I love Matt Lauer. So I drop a quick note saying hi, just casting the line.

He immediately writes back. He seems really into it and wants to talk on the phone. I wait. I digest it. Something was brewing inside my brain that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I kept looking at his photos over and over but nothing clicked.

Next day I go back and re-read his profile. Wait….what does he do for a living again?? Did he say something about a video production business? Oh noooo he di’nt! It hit me….oh shit, I’ve ALREADY gone out with him, I’m surely losing it! I knew exactly who he was and strangely enough had recently thrown away his business card while cleaning out my desk drawer.

We had gone out on a coffee date a few years ago and there was just no spark or chemistry. The only reason why I remembered him was that he had the balls to give me his business card in a “friendly” manner in case I was in search of a company to handle all my video conferencing needs.

So is it official now….I’ve run out of men in the island of Manhattan? Can’t be good!

Can Someone Help Me With This Luggage?

Been thinking lately about the subject of personal baggage and what things we all bring along with us as we get older. Sometimes it’s obvious – like kids, an ex-husband or wife, debt, or even perhaps a criminal record. I’m speaking, however, about emotional baggage. The stuff not so easy to identify and even harder to get rid of.

What kind of baggage constitutes a red flag when first meeting someone? And when do we “owe” it to the person we’re dating to tell them? Too soon and you look like a basket case, too late you’re a deceitful ass. What if you had a chronic illness? What if you were living at home with your parents? Or unemployed? What if you were on medication or had previously suffered a nervous breakdown? What is private and what is obligatory to share?

Or even….what if you had relatively little baggage but you met someone who has an entire carousel? What are we willing to accept when searching for the right mate? I know I never thought about these things when I dated in my 20’s. Back then it was just looking for someone without a mama complex. Unfortunately I learned that one the hard way. Nothing worse than an overbearing mother who thinks no little tramp is good enough for her precious son. But I digress….

As we get older, dating does get harder. Life gets harder. Sure, we know more about ourselves and what we want, who we are etc, etc. But along with that wisdom and experience comes the leftovers that life leaves with us. I’m looking for someone with around the same amount (which is relatively little for the record) as I have. I think that’s fair. But then again, life isn’t fair and so I succumb to dating losers with all kinds of crap on their plate that I foolishly think I can deal with.

Funny part is most men that I’ve met rarely (there are a few exceptions), seem to accept their baggage as an issue or think for a moment that it lowers their desirability. Kinda like….I have 3 kids, a maniacal ex-wife, a lame-ass studio apartment, looks that aren’t getting better, not a dime in the bank…..but you? ……naaaaa……I don’t like you because you live outside my 20 block dating radius. Or you’re 2 inches shorter than the women I prefer. Or you twirl your hair (I still can’t get over that one!). I know I seem to be making bad choices, but lately I’ve been dating men with the 1 strike you’re out philosophy.

Before you start thinking I’m some sad sack spinster, I should say plenty of men ask me out. But there’s always something MAJOR before I dismiss them. Yes, of course attraction is up there – I’m human, I’m shallow, get over it. Like all the 23 year olds….OUT. 55 year olds…OUT. Guys who live in suburban NJ….OUT. Staten Island…..OUT. Guys who are separated but not yet divorced….OUT. C’mon I think that’s perfectly reasonable! G-d knows I’ve dated men far from my ideal but have found I give men way more chances than they give me. Remember Stripper Pole? Gold chain? Cross Dresser? Perhaps they don’t constitute luggage, but it aint good!

Why? I don’t know….I’m still working on it.

Webcam Man

I like this story.

Maybe because it’s also happened to me!

click the humping mouse (mice?)

He’s 23…

And let’s just say I’m not. Really not.

And we’ll leave it at that.

Hi Miss X,

Although I maybe a bit too young for you, (Even though you can easily pass for a woman my age) I find you very attractive and interesting. I think age is of little relevance in comparison to having important qualities such as being attentive, respectful and just being an all around good gentleman. Moreover, being able to make you happy is not confined to any particular age either. I have my reasons for dating more mature women and would not mind sharing them with you sometime. Maybe we can exchange phone numbers. At any rate, you look great. Keep doing what you are doing because you are clearly doing something right

Take care -J 555 XXX XXXX

I’m always intrigued by young men/boys that seem so mature and enlightened for their age. And yet I continue to be drawn to middle-aged or nearly middle aged men that still can’t get their shit together. Hmmmm…….

The Best Part

I had a really nice conversation yesterday with a new gentleman (note, I can call him gentleman because we have yet to meet). And we started talking about dating, getting to know one another and our previous experiences amongst other things. And then it occurred to me….my favorite part of dating. I know this blog is I HATE to date, but I thought I’d throw a little morsel of positivity out there in the attempt of not appearing completely morbid and miserable.

So I started dissecting the various stages of getting to know someone and came up with this analysis.

Stage 1: Immediate Judgement

No matter what anyone says, when you meet someone for the first time, you can usually determine within 10 minutes whether or not you are attracted and/or possibly interested in this person. This is known as judging the book by its cover. Right, wrong, shallow or accurate – it’s innate and everyone does it.

Stage 2: Testing the Waters

Let’s assume we make it past the first 20, 30 minutes and both parties are attracted. Now is when we start tossing out questions, feelers and situations to see if we find one another interesting, compatible and a suitable match. This stage is tricky as some people can be set off or turned off rather quickly and the other party not even knowing what happened or what went wrong.

Stage 3: The Waiting

This is also known as the WORST part of dating. Does he like me? Do I like him? Will he call? Do I want him to? Was he full of crap? How many other people is he dating? How many can I juggle at once and do I want to? Do I text or write him? How do I appear interested and not desperate? It goes on and on, the never-ending trail of doubt, insecurity, ego and frustration.

Stage 4: Over the First Hump

So he called, he’s interested…at least for now. Don’t let your guard down because it’s still a delicate dance of getting to know one another, minding your p’s and q’s, and not slipping up by saying or doing something stupid. The second date is always better than the first, but tread lightly.

Stage 5: The Door is Open

First few dates and you’ re still in the picture. You are both attracted, you are both curious, you are both possibly dating others. Your guard is let down slightly and the fun is starting because you’ve gotten all those annoying “interview” style questions out of the way and you can really start to learn the good stuff.

Stage 6: The Good Stuff

You like me. I like you. We click. We laugh. We want to see each other. Spend time with one another. Everything is new and exciting and you’re like a kid at Disney for the first time. It’s the best of all worlds. Exploring the unknown, and yet being with someone you feel you’ve known for ages. It’s icing. Every day it gets better. And there is no better feeling in the world than falling in love.

So there, I said it. I do like dating!

If only I could get past Stages 3 and 4…..or just skip them all and just go right to 6.