I was passing through NYC for a few days and decided to head out with a friend of mine for a good ole fashioned ladies night out. Drinks, dinner, drinks and the typical round of gossiping, laughing, venting and idea bouncing — the usual fare.
We headed down to Gramercy Park area for some amazing sushi (I had forgotten how good ethnic food in NY is) accompanied by a few bottles of sake before we headed out and looking for a place where grown-ups who are not yet on social security might be hanging out. Being that my friend is married, it was more like a night off for her and a night “on” for me. I can most certainly appreciate going out in the city much more now that I no longer live there. You know…the grass is always greener and all that.
A few more drinks at a mellow mid-town wine bar and we were ready to call it a night…until….we met George Clooney on the street.
A group of 30-40 somethings walking by just as we exited the bar who immediately blended themselves into our conversation on the very quiet pre-Christmas weekend. The one gentleman as I’ll refer to him, immediately walked around the side of my betrothed friend to introduce himself. Hi, I’m Paul what’s your name? I may as well have been invisible but was in no mood for conversation with tourists looking for a hot hang out in the East 40′s of Manhattan.
I’m Penny and this is my friend Datehater…she’s single! Ouch, talk about feeling invisible. After his persistence in trying to get her to walk arm and arm with him and her flat refusal and mentions of her husband, Paul eventually made his way over to me figuring it was a safer bet. I wanted nothing to do with it, but after some dirty looks to my friend, went along for what we thought would be one drink with a group of friendly strangers.
Suddenly we found ourselves in a karaoke bar packed to the brim with exuberant 20 something out-of-towners. Next thing you know I was handed a vodka drink while Penny downed a glass of water. Loosening me up was not going to make me into this situation but my friend was trying with such gusto to prove that she could find a great guy for me and I was overlooking them, only to continually pick the ones all wrong and terribly unavailable.
Earlier in the evening, Penny asked my permission to pick 10 dates for me online and I’m to trust her explicitly. When I asked if I could give preferences, pet peeves etc. she said she would hear none of it. I managed to squeeze out that I only want a guy taller than 5’8″ who has travelled a bit and that I refuse to date a Republican. She agreed to those basic parameters but everything else was up for grabs. Bumping into these guys (only one of which was single) was exactly the challenge she relished and felt ready to attack full force.
Ten minutes into teen town sing-along, and everyone was ready to hit the road. Again, Penny insisted we stay out and go for one more drink. We landed at an nondescript neighborhood Irish Pub, crowded, dark and thankfully nowhere I would ever bump into anyone I know.
Penny, Paul and myself start talking and we find out Paul is a D.E.A. agent and his brother (a beefier Italian version of Jon Favreau) a cop. Both from NY but living in Florida, up in the city to visit relatives for Christmas. I was done as soon as I heard Florida.
You know who he looks like right? I asked Penny in a hushed voice.
Yeah, George Clooney! She replied loud enough for him to hear and gloat over. Oh man….never tell a guy he looks like George Clooney!!! Not sure why I hadn’t noticed that until I had 2 drinks in me, but he was handsome nonetheless.
So Datehater, you’re going to hang with us and go have more drinks right? Penny, acting like the safety soccer mom, asks Paul for his cell number and calls it to make sure he is who he says and that she had his number. I suppose to relay to the Police once my body showed up in the hotel dumpster.
She started casually asking him matchmaker-like questions…all the while trying to prove what a great catch this guy I wanted nothing to do with truly was.
How old are you? 40.
Any kids? Nope.
Ever married? No, I’ve been too busy with my career and traveling. I was living in Paris for a while.
Penny is grinning ear to ear now while I’m smirking and giving that “just you wait” look right back to her.
The specifics of the conversation escape me but I do recall both racist and anti-Semitic jabs being thrown around like a frisbee. All in the name of good fun….and bigotry that is. Penny was ready to close up shop and insist she found my match when something provoked me to come right out and ask….
Are you a right-wing conservative Republican by any chance?
Hell yes I am! And don’t even tell me you think that Muslim in the White House is going to get elected again!!
I immediately looked over to my friend, (with a shit-eating grin I must say) and told her, ya see, I told you there was something I didn’t like about him.
Ya had to fuckin’ bring up politics?! You couldn’t just discuss the weather or sports or what’s playing at the movies?!
Penny then excused herself to go to the bathroom while I listened in on what I thought was a normal conversation between the brothers. Except that they we puffed up like peacocks and speaking with great force about an inch from one another’s face. Uh-oh…this aint good.
I’ll fuckin’ lay you out, who do you think you’re talking to?!!!
You fat fuck you think you can take me, I’ll fucking knock you out cold!!
A few rounds of this colorful banter and I was convinced if any punches were going to fly between these beefheads, I would surely be in the way and get caught in a mess I wanted nothing to do with. Suddenly images of Jersey Shore raced through my head and I was not about to take a Snookie in the face.
I ran to each bathroom pounding on the door “Penny!!! We need to get out of here! A fight is about to break out!”
After disturbing a middle-aged Asian man and a top-heavy waitress, I finally found her, trying to stress the urgency that we bolt before the guys start realizing that we’re gone or chairs start flying. We grabbed our coats and literally ran down the street, not turning back and laughing all the way.
For whatever moronic reason I felt like I didn’t want to seem ungrateful, I texted Paul from my phone, “Hey it’s Datehater. Sorry to bolt, but we did not want to be in the middle of that fight.”
He never answered.
Four days later I got a phone call at 2 am from a mysterious number in Florida and Penny got a text “Hey wanna meet for drinks tonight?” She thinks he meant to ask me. I think I’ll be nobody’s sloppy seconds. Especially or even a racist Republican George Clooney look-alike.
