My Existential Moment in the Back of a NYC Taxicab

I always thought wanting it all and having it all were simply by-products of hard work and determination. What scares me is, now after all these years of life, I’m really wondering if that entire concept actually exists. Or if it is supposed to be a concept we use as a tool to constantly strive for something. Something more…or something else.

For pretty much the entirety of my adult life, I have found myself seeking and searching for something I don’t have and yet still want. I think Carrie Bradshaw once remarked about how New Yorkers are always looking for a job or an apartment….or a man. And if she didn’t say that, then perhaps it was me – because it has truly been the story of my life. One out of three. Two out of three. Two and a half…..no wait, I hate that fucking job, we’re back to two. What do you mean you think I’m great but you don’t want to be in a relationship asshole? Whoops…..back to one! Is it me who can’t seem to have it all or does everyone go through this? Or do most normal people not torture themselves with this and just have lower expectations? Am I tortured by my own hopes and dreams? Quite possibly yes.

So I’m in the back seat of a cab, making the long trip home after an exhausting day at work, looking out the window, at all the sights and lights of the city – feeling like I should feel happy and grateful and yet I find myself feeling worried, anxious, stressed, tired and wondering if I can have my cake and eat it too. Can I and will I ever have the career, the man, the relationship, the security, stability and the “things” be it material or emotional, that I’ve always longed for? I yearn for balance of work and personal life but I seem to merely swing like a pendulum back from one extreme to the other.

Work= stress=money=no life/no time.

No work=free time=stress=no money=feelings of inadequacy.

Fuck me! I swear the people I watch on tv seem to have it all, why can’t I?!

Some days I enjoy the hopeful prospect of meeting new people in the search for the man…well the man I’ve been searching for. Other days I’m just so spent I wish I could simply come home to someone to cook me dinner and rub my feet. Instead I have to figure out how I’m going to look fresh and act enthused about a first date I don’t want to be on with someone who doesn’t know a thing about me. I work all day and then have to put on my Meryl Streep to appear all breezy, fun and just so full of enthusiasm with someone who’s life story I’ll be subjected to over the course of a glass of wine and nachos.

I’m not sure if I’m feeling down per se, or simply reflective. Maybe I’m just too complex to be happy. Maybe I need better meds. Maybe I need to start drinking. Maybe I need to start studying eastern philosophy. I worry too much, I think too much, I care too much and I put too much pressure on myself. These qualities are reflected in every pore of my being at work and in my personal life. I am truly my own worst enemy.

I know I’m lucky in many ways, but that doesn’t ease the stress. Does writing help? Sure. And I don’t have time for real therapy anyhow. Will tomorrow be a better day? Who knows. All I know is I’ll feel better about it all for about 10 minutes when I get home and open up the box of new boots I ordered online.

Booty-licious

So I got this message today…

OH. MY. GOD. you may be the hottest, sexiest girl I have ever seen, what the hell are you doing on a site like this… btw I know you probably wont message me back, but I figured I wouldn’t pass up this chance… 

simply gorgeous… 

xoxo 

yeah….he’s 22

I’m not…even close to 22.

Hurricane Man and I went out last week and had a fabulous time. Was a lot of fun, chemistry, attraction, laughs etc. We went back and forth a few times during the week but never got together. I did get a message at 10:40 pm one night asking if I wanted to come over to his apartment. So this one is pretty cut and dry. If he calls and follows up this week with a date that consists of something more than booty I’ll be pleasantly surprised. If I get another late night invite I won’t be totally surprised and if I never hear from him again…I won’t be surprised at all.

This Too Shall Pass

Thinking of my fellow New Yorkers (even those I’ve dated), as well as the rest of the East Coast communities that have lost so much.

As the news and media fades away, so many will be forced to rebuild and repair, starting anew. New Yorkers have a certain resilience, and I’m constantly blown away by how times like this can bring out the best in people.

Give time, give clothing, give money and give prayers….all needed badly.

p.s. Hurricane Man and  still haven’t met. That clock is a tickin’

Hunker Down

Well I made it here in one piece.

Here I am, back in the Big Apple to resume chapter 643 of my life. So far so good, albeit it’s been a whirlwind with moving, new job, unpacking, head cold etc, etc. Oh and did I mention Hurricane Sandy?

Just now getting things sorted out and trying to ease myself back into the dating scene. So far I gotta say, it’s a bit grim. All the women over 25 in my office are married and the men are gay. Pretty standard protocol. So I started snooping around online and somebody must have posted my profile on seniorcitysingles.com because the only men writing me are over 50. Well over it.

I’m optimistic simply because I have to be, but also I’m in a new neighborhood, a new job and surrounded by friends so already I feel good. Then the storm hit. I’m locked away indoors for less than 24 hours and my ass hurts from too  much couch and tv time. I showered this morning and I’m pretty sure I won’t be getting dressed until the subways open and I’m forced to go back to work. I’m enjoying my nesting time as long as I have power, tv, cold beverages and the internet. I’m all good, with the exception of this awful sugar crash I’m having from breaking into the Halloween candy and Armageddon food I’ve been wolfing down.

I received what one would think was an enticing email saying “Hello, My name is Francois and I am a French surgeon….” I knew before even opening that sucker it was bad news. Call me psychic, call me jaded, call me an experienced dater. That was a red herring. Hours later, and in no rush to read this or any of the other wretched messages, I eventually went online to see what was happening. Then it hit me……this is like a bar at closing time. Everyone lurking around, looking around, possibly seeking someone to share the end of days or at least the next few hurricane rain days with. Holy crap, I just stumbled on a dating gold mine! Nobody is working and we’re all bored, horny and trapped indoors!

Sent out a few emails and heard back right away from someone else who was surely in the same mindset as I. We chatted briefly and then when we discovered we don’t live too far from one another he asked if I wanted to hang out tomorrow afternoon during the storm. In theory this sounds fun and eventful, but I gotta say, this hurricane is pretty much ensuring I will not be moving much off my couch unless it’s to the kitchen to make more ice and grab another diet coke or Twizzlers. If I lose power, I immediately switch to wine and goldfish crackers. Advance planning is imperative here.

So Hurricane Man is a cutie  but I’m going to insist we meet when no lives are at risk and I come down off this sugar high.

Shut The Front Door!*#&%!

When I used to read comments or messages or even see pictures on Facebook of or from Still Married Guy, at first it would hurt me…or I’d feel jealous…or sad….and obsessive. But instead of deleting him, (because I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of getting the best of me), I decided I would exercise restraint and just not go to his page or read his posts. But I still thought of him – often.

When the focus in my life switched to my career and my love life was officially on hold, the pain gradually lessened and the anger began to build. I’d much rather be angry than hurt. Albeit, apathy would be the preferred emotion, I’m not quite there yet. I’ve been tempted many times to send him one of my famous “fuck you” emails just to make him feel like shit for how he treated me and make him aware that he surely had no idea how much he hurt me. But I didn’t. Maybe I want him to see me flourish without him, and then feel like shit. Now I read his comments or messages and simply say (out loud mind you) Fuck you asshole, shut the fuck up! So I suppose I do still care, but it’s peppered with hatred…a step in the right direction!

So my career is once again taking me back on the road and I’m heading back to New York again. I’m not expecting any miracles, but I’m moving for work and hoping the love will fall in line after that. I’ve taken a look online and sure, there are plenty of familiar faces. Funny how these guys don’t seemed to have aged (some even turning back the hands of time) and some lame-asses are still using pictures that were old 2,3, 4 years ago. What’s old is always new again.

I wound up meeting with the Right Up My Alley dude. He picked a really cute but pricey townhouse bar/restaurant and greeted me at the door with oversized hipster glasses and a big smile. He was adorable, super cute, sweet, fun. We sat for about 2 or 3 hours talking about everything under the sun. We had a lot in common and similar backgrounds. Needless to say the man-child alert flag was at full staff, but that didn’t surprise me a bit. 40 never married, living in Williamsburg, Brooklyn but I was digging him nonetheless.

We wrapped things up and walked him to the subway and me to a cab. He made no mention of seeing me, calling me or speaking with me again. Oh but he did wish me luck on my interview the next day! Yup, a great date that I’ll never see again. So I ask myself, what’s worse, a shitty date that I never want to see (i.e.: Iced Tea douchebag) or a great date that is just that…..ONE great date. The lesser of two shitty things I suppose.

Chapter 642, my new life….again!

I Should Know Better But….

Been on a hiatus the last month, no dating since that jackass with the iced tea that made me buy my own drink. That left the taste of sour milk in my mouth and I was more than happy to get away, go on vacation and relish my unencumbered and celibate status.

As my life has been a series of vagabond adventures and travels, it seems as though I may be picking up and hitting the road again soon. No need to go into further explanation as this is a dating and relationship blog, not a personal diary, but I mention it because I changed my location on an online profile just to get a taste for what was out there in my potentially new city.

I was completely honest in my profile, mentioning how I travel back and forth, but likely planning to move back. After weeding through a selection of utterly undesirables and guys I might consider if I was bored, I stumbled upon a man who caught my attention in a way I haven’t seen in quite a while.

He had 7 or 8 photos up in various locales and poses, one more fetching than the next. Right up my alley, so cute I wanted to literally jump into the computer screen and crawl into his lap. The kind of guy I know without question I will be attracted to and wanting to jump his bones before the main course is served. Add to that a compatibility rating of 95%. Ninety-five fucking percent with only 2% chance of becoming enemies. Sounds ridiculous I know, but the way okcupid.com works is actually based on the metrics of some very vague and very specific questions about preferences, beliefs, opinions and stances on topics in ethics, sex, lifestyle, dating and “other.” If I’m answering 200+ questions on my beliefs, preferences and lifestyle choices, there’s going to be some accuracy on this rating system. The method of course, does not account for physical attraction, but that goes without saying.

So as far as the photos, check. Compatibility, check. Obvious flaws, red flags or baggage listed? Nope. Check. Has a job/career, check. Similar interests, check. Oh, and did I mention I wanna rape him? I’ve never met him and I already feel like a giddy school girl. This is where it gets bad and I should know better. He’s perfect on paper, and that’s never a good thing. Besides it likely not being true, all it does is build my expectations and anticipation and that’s never a good thing when drawn out over a long period of time.

Taking a step back, he invited me for drinks while I was in town, but due to my schedule and him having to work we couldn’t coordinate getting together. We playfully texted back and forth and he asked when I’d be back in town again. I mentioned that I’d likely return in the next few weeks unless he was interested in a road trip. (Just putting it out there, I figured). He was into it, although I’m not sure exactly what those parameters would be. Nothing ventured nothing gained I figure. He said we should get together and plan something for the second week of September. This of course feels like a lifetime and I’m well aware that is just ample time for me to obsess and him to meet someone else or lose interest. Great!

Do I keep the banter going? Will that make me look too interested? Do I play cool and risk him losing interest? Out of sight out of mind. It all brings about the question I often ponder…..Do men and women get more excited about meeting someone for the first time with the anticipation of the unknown and the hope and promise that brings?…..or the second date after you’ve already met the person and know what you’re getting?

I have no answers but I do know that any time a guy has gone over the top in almost obsessive behavior (i.e.: Still Married Guy) it surely leads to a rapid demise of whatever pipe dream they had in their heads. If they are soooo into you before even meeting, it’s almost certainly a red flag and grounds for disappointment.

Been there done that. Let’s see how this plays out.

I Hate You and Want My Two Hours Back!

First date in a few months, since the Brainiac Cowboy. Boy, was I nervous. To top things off, he originally asked me out for an iced tea. WTF? Am I 12?! Then asked me to take a walk with his dog. Again, not an acceptable first date. So due to our conflicting schedules we managed to find a pocket of time at 4 pm on a Monday.

His profile was cryptic, but intriguing. Artist amongst other things. And what are the other things? A raw food vegan. Yeah…..that’s likely not gonna work for me. I’m a fan in principle, and I eat very little meat myself, but it’s just so rigid…..and annoying.

He conveniently ignored the meat and potato (no pun intended) questions so I only had a vague overview about him and his background. The profile was intriguing enough, although the photo/s were vague as well. What the hell, I need to get back in the game.

Being a hot and sticky Summer afternoon he suggested we go on a walk as our date. I suggested we meet at a local cafe with an open patio as a compromise. It only went downhill from there.

I spot him at a small table and immediately walk over to greet him. He never stood up, shook my hand, hugged me, etc. nothing….fine, I’ll let his cold demeanor slide. Then he proceeded to have a near catatonic personality that immediately signaled to me he was either not interested in me or just comatose in general . Or both.

I was not attracted to him at all. He wasn’t offensive, but the best way I can describe his look, mannerisms and vibe was that of an aging Queen. And a Bitchy Queen at that. Wayyyy too effeminate for my taste but beyond that, he just wasn’t terribly nice or enjoyable to be with. He initially made no attempt to ask me anything about myself and I knew this was going to be excruciating if I didn’t make the best of it and try to ask him about him himself.

Let’s just put it this way, he told me a story of when he was 18 years old and saw a UFO, subsequently having no memory of what happened and thus, convinced he was likely abducted with memory erased. This was the highlight of the date.

Side note: What’s the chances I would go out with two different men who were both alien abductees? The pickins are officially slim in case I needed that validation.

His answers were evasive when I said where did you go to school he said “here” and I’m pretty sure here isn’t Harvard or M.I.T. He was just sort of douchy in the vaguest sense of the word. But I ordered a glass of wine so as not to be rude to the waiter since Vegan Guy was sipping on water. I then proceeded to ask him about his vegan-ness and how that came about, which I happen to find interesting (having nothing to do with him, simply my own fascination with diet, health and the food industry in general).

I questioned myself during the date if I could imagine being friends with him and the jury was out. I just didn’t like him as a person and it really pissed me off because I’m always to nice to these guys whether I’m attracted or interested or not.

After almost two hours, the bill for his iced tea (that he sent back because it tasted artificial) and my one glass of pinot grigio arrived and we managed to talk a bit longer. I excused myself to go to the restroom, and when I returned I saw a $5 bill sitting on the bill. I assumed he paid with a credit card and that was the tip. I assumed wrong.

Are you ready to go? I asked.

Well, no. I only paid for my iced tea so…..

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? You are a 45-year-old man, gainfully employed, doing so-called charity work and are so well-traveled and cultured and you don’t pay for my $11 glass of wine? I just think that’s disgusting and low-class. This has only happened to me ONCE before. In alllll my dates. ONCE. It was even worse that time, as we each had one beer and I had to shell out $5 for my half. It’s bad manners and so immature. You know how many dates I’ve been on that there was no chemistry but they always pay or offer to pay, it’s simply part of the process and the gentlemanly thing to do. It’s starting to make sense that he told me he doesn’t date, yeah buddy I know why!!!

The steam was coming out of my ears I was so livid. I was so polite and sweet and accommodated his schedule and the dick didn’t offer to buy me a glass of wine? I wasted two hours of my time, another 1.5 to prep, get dressed, blow out my hair to look cute, assemble the right outfit etc. You think this is effortless and easy for women? We invest a lot of time (not to mention energy) into a date, especially a first date.

He walked me to the corner and I had to restrain ,myself from running across the street with the excuse of, oh it’s a walk sign, gotta dash! He extends his hand and says oh I’ll call you?

In hell you will!

Time Changes (Almost) Everything

I rarely go back and read old diary or journal posts. Likely because the writing was for therapeutic and not literary purposes. I have, however, gone back and read many of my blog posts just to try to remember how I thought or felt about a person as compared to the present day, post dating/relationship etc.

I’m not going to lie, sometimes I cringe – trying to recall what could have possibly led me to think or feel so strongly way towards someone whose name I can  now barely recall. How many times I’ve come home from a date and in my school girl naiveté profess how much I love them! Not love of course, but think they are the shizzz. Instead of actually just being a shit head, which many turned out to be once the novelty wore off.

I also often wonder how I’ve remained friends (even close) with some men I’ve dated and how others simply dropped off the face of the Earth and out of my life. My scientific and curious side tried to find a pattern – like I only remained friends with guys I’ve never slept with…..or those I only dated a few times….or those that I never really had strong feelings for. But none of those were true or consistent. The pattern was…. there was no pattern. It’s a crap shoot with one exception – if a guy really hurt me, or screwed me over or lied to me or treated me poorly or disrespectfully, odds are we are not currently friends.

One reason that made me think of this recently was a somewhat related conversation I had with Male Me. He insisted that sex changes everything and that it is virtually impossible to have a friendship with a woman and have sex with her (while not dating her just to be clear). You know, friends with benefits…fuck buddies…..call it what you like. We are all products of our own experiences so obviously this hasn’t worked for him. I’ll agree there is a slippery slope when it comes to friendship and sex but I don’t believe the two are mutually exclusive. I don’t believe there is one specific formula that works and another that is doomed, but clearly if one party has feelings for the other and there is sex, and the other party doesn’t want emotional attachment….well, that’s usually a recipe for disaster.

So what changes in a person to allow this evolution? Time can certainly be a factor. So does getting to know a person. The guy who I thought was my soul mate after two dates suddenly moves to the category of ‘wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole’ after getting to know him for 6 months. However, what was once a crush can now be a deep respect and fondness that is shared amongst friends who have let their guards down enough to have a genuine friendship.

The only gray area in this scenario is what happens when one friend gets involved with a new romantic partner? Is there jealousy? Does the new partner understand or appreciate why their boyfriend/girlfriend is maintaining a friendship with an ex or almost ex? That’s where it gets sticky and sometimes friendships don’t survive when the new girlfriend/boyfriend turns into a wife/husband. A lot of men can’t juggle the girl “friend” AND the girlfriend and I’ve sadly cut off friendships when a male friend only has time for me in-between relationships. I’m not going to be filler for anyone, I care too much and I take my friendships (male or female) seriously.

I’m not going to say time heals all wounds, but it certainly brings clarity to most situations. Granola and I are good friends who occasionally sleep together. Facebook Guy and I are friends, but guarded ones. Male Me and I are friends again after a period of not speaking. I feel like we are in a good place and I genuinely care about him and enjoy his company with no remorse of what never happened or could have between us. It took time to get to this place, but I think we’re in the clear.

Still Married Guy is another story altogether.

I don’t talk about him to anyone as everyone around me (including blog readers) seems to think I’m an idiot for spending a millisecond of my time pining for him. I’ve actually received nasty and angry messages from readers calling me stupid and blind to pursue anything with him after being hurt and dejected. As if I’m the first and only person to do that! But the truth is, I think about him almost every day. And it’s been 6 months since I saw him, and almost that long since we’ve spoken.

I couldn’t read his Facebook updates they both enraged and saddened me. But I also couldn’t de-friend him either. I couldn’t cut the strings. I know he still checks my profile and looks at my pictures since he occasionally leaves a remark or thumbs up.

It’s amazing how one part of me can recall the hurtful things he said and did, not to mention leading me on and breaking my heart. But the other part still thinks about him even after 6 months and misses him dearly. I don’t know if I could ever just be friends with him – or if I’d care to. Saddest part is we could have been great friends had we never slept together. A fact that I think he knew and likely regretted from the get-go.

We could have been a great “something” together and now…..now he’s just somebody that I used to know.

Mr. Grey Is That You??

 

You just KNOW this is some perverted troll…

What Makes a Date?

I recently had this conversation with a male friend of mine and it came to my attention that the term “date” is relatively subjective.

He had plans to meet a previous work friend for an afternoon of gallery hopping, followed by dinner and drinks. Sounds like a date right? But what if there has never been any romantic or sexual overtones? Maybe the flirting was one-sided? Maybe she likes him? Maybe he likes her? So I started asking him some questions based on the last time they got together outside of the office.

1. Did you pay for it? Then I realized I have been out with platonic male friends that always pick up the bill. Could be simply the gentlemanly thing to do.

2. Who instigated the plans? Well, she mentioned it but then he actually planned it. So that doesn’t help.

3. Do you flirt with one another? He thought they flirted. But when it comes to office friendships with the opposite sex, there is a thin line between flirting and friendly.

4. Does she like you? Do you like her? He couldn’t speak for her, but he respects her and enjoys her company. The fact that she is attractive is a bonus. Again, not enough to decide.

5. Do you want to have  physical contact with her? And what would make you pursue or hold back? He admitted would, but the signal from her would have to be so strong, the flirting so obvious, that there would be no room for misinterpretation. So unless she’s hanging on him, he’s not making a move.

So I ask, based on the above scenario…..is it a date? What makes a date? And most interesting, is it possible for one person to think they have been on a date while the other believes they had an outing with a friend?

Does sex or sexual intention determine whether a date has occurred?

Food for thought…