Been on a hiatus the last month, no dating since that jackass with the iced tea that made me buy my own drink. That left the taste of sour milk in my mouth and I was more than happy to get away, go on vacation and relish my unencumbered and celibate status.
As my life has been a series of vagabond adventures and travels, it seems as though I may be picking up and hitting the road again soon. No need to go into further explanation as this is a dating and relationship blog, not a personal diary, but I mention it because I changed my location on an online profile just to get a taste for what was out there in my potentially new city.
I was completely honest in my profile, mentioning how I travel back and forth, but likely planning to move back. After weeding through a selection of utterly undesirables and guys I might consider if I was bored, I stumbled upon a man who caught my attention in a way I haven’t seen in quite a while.
He had 7 or 8 photos up in various locales and poses, one more fetching than the next. Right up my alley, so cute I wanted to literally jump into the computer screen and crawl into his lap. The kind of guy I know without question I will be attracted to and wanting to jump his bones before the main course is served. Add to that a compatibility rating of 95%. Ninety-five fucking percent with only 2% chance of becoming enemies. Sounds ridiculous I know, but the way okcupid.com works is actually based on the metrics of some very vague and very specific questions about preferences, beliefs, opinions and stances on topics in ethics, sex, lifestyle, dating and “other.” If I’m answering 200+ questions on my beliefs, preferences and lifestyle choices, there’s going to be some accuracy on this rating system. The method of course, does not account for physical attraction, but that goes without saying.
So as far as the photos, check. Compatibility, check. Obvious flaws, red flags or baggage listed? Nope. Check. Has a job/career, check. Similar interests, check. Oh, and did I mention I wanna rape him? I’ve never met him and I already feel like a giddy school girl. This is where it gets bad and I should know better. He’s perfect on paper, and that’s never a good thing. Besides it likely not being true, all it does is build my expectations and anticipation and that’s never a good thing when drawn out over a long period of time.
Taking a step back, he invited me for drinks while I was in town, but due to my schedule and him having to work we couldn’t coordinate getting together. We playfully texted back and forth and he asked when I’d be back in town again. I mentioned that I’d likely return in the next few weeks unless he was interested in a road trip. (Just putting it out there, I figured). He was into it, although I’m not sure exactly what those parameters would be. Nothing ventured nothing gained I figure. He said we should get together and plan something for the second week of September. This of course feels like a lifetime and I’m well aware that is just ample time for me to obsess and him to meet someone else or lose interest. Great!
Do I keep the banter going? Will that make me look too interested? Do I play cool and risk him losing interest? Out of sight out of mind. It all brings about the question I often ponder…..Do men and women get more excited about meeting someone for the first time with the anticipation of the unknown and the hope and promise that brings?…..or the second date after you’ve already met the person and know what you’re getting?
I have no answers but I do know that any time a guy has gone over the top in almost obsessive behavior (i.e.: Still Married Guy) it surely leads to a rapid demise of whatever pipe dream they had in their heads. If they are soooo into you before even meeting, it’s almost certainly a red flag and grounds for disappointment.
Been there done that. Let’s see how this plays out.
I rarely go back and read old diary or journal posts. Likely because the writing was for therapeutic and not literary purposes. I have, however, gone back and read many of my blog posts just to try to remember how I thought or felt about a person as compared to the present day, post dating/relationship etc.
I’m not going to lie, sometimes I cringe – trying to recall what could have possibly led me to think or feel so strongly way towards someone whose name I can now barely recall. How many times I’ve come home from a date and in my school girl naiveté profess how much I love them! Not love of course, but think they are the shizzz. Instead of actually just being a shit head, which many turned out to be once the novelty wore off.
I also often wonder how I’ve remained friends (even close) with some men I’ve dated and how others simply dropped off the face of the Earth and out of my life. My scientific and curious side tried to find a pattern – like I only remained friends with guys I’ve never slept with…..or those I only dated a few times….or those that I never really had strong feelings for. But none of those were true or consistent. The pattern was…. there was no pattern. It’s a crap shoot with one exception – if a guy really hurt me, or screwed me over or lied to me or treated me poorly or disrespectfully, odds are we are not currently friends.
One reason that made me think of this recently was a somewhat related conversation I had with Male Me. He insisted that sex changes everything and that it is virtually impossible to have a friendship with a woman and have sex with her (while not dating her just to be clear). You know, friends with benefits…fuck buddies…..call it what you like. We are all products of our own experiences so obviously this hasn’t worked for him. I’ll agree there is a slippery slope when it comes to friendship and sex but I don’t believe the two are mutually exclusive. I don’t believe there is one specific formula that works and another that is doomed, but clearly if one party has feelings for the other and there is sex, and the other party doesn’t want emotional attachment….well, that’s usually a recipe for disaster.
So what changes in a person to allow this evolution? Time can certainly be a factor. So does getting to know a person. The guy who I thought was my soul mate after two dates suddenly moves to the category of ‘wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole’ after getting to know him for 6 months. However, what was once a crush can now be a deep respect and fondness that is shared amongst friends who have let their guards down enough to have a genuine friendship.
The only gray area in this scenario is what happens when one friend gets involved with a new romantic partner? Is there jealousy? Does the new partner understand or appreciate why their boyfriend/girlfriend is maintaining a friendship with an ex or almost ex? That’s where it gets sticky and sometimes friendships don’t survive when the new girlfriend/boyfriend turns into a wife/husband. A lot of men can’t juggle the girl “friend” AND the girlfriend and I’ve sadly cut off friendships when a male friend only has time for me in-between relationships. I’m not going to be filler for anyone, I care too much and I take my friendships (male or female) seriously.
I’m not going to say time heals all wounds, but it certainly brings clarity to most situations. Granola and I are good friends who occasionally sleep together. Facebook Guy and I are friends, but guarded ones. Male Me and I are friends again after a period of not speaking. I feel like we are in a good place and I genuinely care about him and enjoy his company with no remorse of what never happened or could have between us. It took time to get to this place, but I think we’re in the clear.
Still Married Guy is another story altogether.
I don’t talk about him to anyone as everyone around me (including blog readers) seems to think I’m an idiot for spending a millisecond of my time pining for him. I’ve actually received nasty and angry messages from readers calling me stupid and blind to pursue anything with him after being hurt and dejected. As if I’m the first and only person to do that! But the truth is, I think about him almost every day. And it’s been 6 months since I saw him, and almost that long since we’ve spoken.
I couldn’t read his Facebook updates they both enraged and saddened me. But I also couldn’t de-friend him either. I couldn’t cut the strings. I know he still checks my profile and looks at my pictures since he occasionally leaves a remark or thumbs up.
It’s amazing how one part of me can recall the hurtful things he said and did, not to mention leading me on and breaking my heart. But the other part still thinks about him even after 6 months and misses him dearly. I don’t know if I could ever just be friends with him – or if I’d care to. Saddest part is we could have been great friends had we never slept together. A fact that I think he knew and likely regretted from the get-go.
We could have been a great “something” together and now…..now he’s just somebody that I used to know.
For those of you wondering and enquiring where MY dating stories have gone, you should know it’s not that I’m holding back – I’ve simply been on a dating hiatus. Due to the fact I haven’t found anyone that interests me in this one horse town in quite a while, and that I have some personal/professional things happening that are more pressing, I decided to save my energy and time and cool down.
Sucks, but true.
I have been offered sex from Facebook Guy any time I’d like…..so there’s always that in my back pocket. Yippee.
Spent the day yesterday with Male Me. I still find it strange to refer to him as such since is clearly not, but let’s proceed. We’re friends, and I’m going to go out on a limb to say it’s only because we never slept together. We have fun and it’s not all that different from spending time with a girlfriend. Except he doesn’t shop, gossip or crave dessert. Soooo…… I guess it’s not quite as fun. We walked around the city and decided to have lunch outside on a gorgeous Spring day.
Within moments of being seated, this exceptionally chipper server approaches us with a big smile, how do you do and hey where are you guys from? We explained we were locals and I spent the rest of the afternoon pondering if I should be flattered or insulted by this remark?
The server returned about 3 more times, clearly bordering on too friendly/annoying and exceptionally attentive, before we placed our drink and lunch orders. I asked for a few suggestions and opinions on the tuna burger and he ordered the lobster roll without hesitation. I was acknowledged with a huge smile, thoughtful responses and repeated check-ins to see how I/we were doing.
After about 40 minutes of dining and sharing stories, Male Me looks over and says, you do know our server is totally into you right? I laughed immediately because I was sensing the same thing as well.
Let’s just say my glass was never more than half empty, we never longed for condiments and I was asked no less than a half-dozen times if everything was up to my expectations. This was more than good service, this was flirting.
Watch, I’m going to the bathroom and I can guarantee who will be sitting here when I return! I kinda waited to be pounced on myself in a nervous/flattering sorta way. But alas, being a man, he returned rather quickly, so there wasn’t ample time to test the theory. Shortly after, the server did return to chat and attempt to convince us into dessert before we just requested the check.
As Male Me was signing the credit card slip, he looks up and says , ya know, you could simply write your number here on the slip…..half-joking but secretly wishing I would, for his own amusement.
The catch you ask?
If you haven’t guessed yet, our server was a woman. Because if our server was a man this would surely never happen!
Times like this make me so jealous of my gay and lesbian friends who are so much more open and direct about flirting and showing interest. Male Me agreed and we both took 10 seconds wondering what it would be like to escape the God-awful world of hetero dating and experience what seems like the carefree, no bullshit, direct approach of gay courtship.
Then the 10 seconds passed, we laughed, said goodbye to our waitress and headed on our way.
Back to the drawing board.
This is an actual email I received not too long ago, that quite frankly, I didn’t know what to do with. Here was a very attractive guy, educated, good job and seemed sweet in our brief exchange on Match.com. Then he wrote me this letter…
My first thought was WTF?! Second was, when is he going to ask me for money?Third, is this for real? Fourth, if it is – where does one even begin? And fifth, why, why why would anyone construct a letter like this?
Despite him being very handsome, how could I ever date someone with terrible grammar, questionable English and a proclivity to overuse LOL.
Good Morning Princess Charming,
Thanks for sharing your email address with me. i think we’re off match.com raider now . LOL
I am a Ukrainian by birth, born in the Golden,Colorado to a family of two (My sister and me). I lost my parent in an auto crash 12years ago in Bahamas, while they were on a vacation. My sister and i do not really get along because she went contradictory to be wish of my parents, getting married to a drug dealer.
I attended high school and college in Colorado, and got my degree in Colorado School of Mines. I’m a freelance miner/Engineer in the oil field , I’m working off a contract job for an oil company in Alaska(Offshore) I own my house, I love my job too. I moved sometimes in Sept. last year to start a new life after the long morn of my parents. I needed a change of environment for a new start.
I went through your profile and email you sent me over and over again and from what I’ve read about you I can say you have an amazing personality which is great and you strike me as someone who knows what she wants hhhmmmmm, I like that too..Sincerity I felt that in your profile.. You seem like a very kind and genuine woman who knows what she wants, which is something I certainly like. I’m pretty particular with the type of woman that I’m looking for, so when I find one with such a nice profile as yours, I want to make sure I can explore her more.To me, i believe age is nothing but numbers and it is not a relationship criteria. I don’t see it as a deal breaker in as much as my partner is young at heart and posses great personality.
I am starting to get tired of the online dating, I have been in to it for over 3 weeks now and still haven’t met anyone that can make me say wow its been worth while, a friend of mine Daniel, we worked together on an Oil rig offshore of sometimes ago met his wife on match.com that was what motivated me, well I guess meeting someone special isn’t the easiest thing. I’m actually not a billionaire as most lady are looking for on Match, But i believe i’m something more. Haha . I’m a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on me, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep… I’m the boy who kisses your forehead at every slightest opportunity just to show you how much i care about you, a man who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much I care and how lucky I am to have you…. I’m the man who turns to my friends and says, ‘that’s her.’”
I know you must be wondering why i’m still single or why i never considered getting married in the past . Well the answer is, I’ve once met with true love and someone i was deeply in love with and we both had plans to marry and settle down, but unfortunately we were not allowed to get married base on religious background. She’s an Arab princess i met sometimes ago in Dubai ( She was a Muslim and from a royal family and I’m a Christian ). The second woman i would have taking the bold step of stepping into marital life with was an actress who ended up cheating on me on several occasion while i was away for job so we later ended the relationship and went our separate ways , though recently she started calling wanting and begging to come back, but I told her ” I’m sorry i’ve gotten over you” and i stop talking to her. Since then promised myself that i will only settle down with the right woman and not until i find that woman , I won’t settle for anything less than someone who has a great personality, who is committed and is looking for a serious relationship.
I’m a very down to earth man….i like the outdoors especially going to the beach and camping….going to the movies and fishing. I’m very honest and open minded….my life is like an open book so whatever you wanna know all you need is just ask. I like to do anything that seems fun at my free time.I love watching Movies,romance, action and comedy. The simple things in life mean the most to me. Peace, love, family, stability… I am happy if those around me are happy, so I strive to make people happy.
I’m a team player. I like consensus. I am honest, sometimes to a fault, but I don’t believe that people benefit from being told only what they want to hear, and sometimes the truth isn’t the easiest thing to hear, but it’s worth it, because it makes us more aware, better, stronger people. I’m hardworking, affectionate and loyal and was raised on very traditional values of honor. I believe in treating others as I would want to be treated. I’ve traveled all over the world (Canada, Scotland, England, Japan.) but if you’re a real traveler, you’ll know, there’s no place like home. I do, however, have a soft spot in my heart for Japan and Japanese culture and customs.
I don’t date around,.I would love to have someone who has honor, trust, compassion, a good sense of self esteem, and communication skills to share my life with, but if I have not found her yet, I can enjoy my own company! I would rather be alone than be with the wrong person, I guess I just got to the point. that going out with someone just because they think I am “handsome”, goes no where, unless they are “real” and can see beyond the outside package. I love been involved in activities that involved giving back to people less fortunate and the community, and how we impact those around us, is what they remember when we are all gone. Does not matter if they are poor, rich, red, white or blue. Making people feel valued and important is a gift not many people have and I’m glad I have that gift. Wow ! I’ve said a lot . LOL I hope i’ve not bored you with my email. . I await to read back from you telling me more about you, like what you are looking for in a man, your likes and dislike , e.t.c LOL
Attached to this email are my pictures. All my pictures are recent. I took them last month.
When we left things last, our Mail Order Bride had committed the dating sin of sleeping with our friend Steve whom she designated as marriage material even before meeting. He reached out to her post-coitus, but hadn’t heard any response and was left wondering what he had done wrong.
Three or four days passed, and then The Bride finally made contact with no explanation or excuse other than her hectic schedule. Both Steve and I agree it had more to do with her weighing her options and deciding if he was still husband worthy.
The conversation once again came around to her wants and needs and how she is basically on the fast track to wife and mommy-dom. Steve, never married and man-childish in nearly every way, explained how he is not opposed, but needs to get to know someone before choosing linens and a tasteful china pattern.
“I’m not interested in dating. I work a lot and have very little time. Plus I’m 36, I’m looking to get married.”
But don’t you need to date before you get married??
Now I don’t know how she managed to keep him on the line after this bold statement, but for some reason this got him thinking whether or not he should actually consider dating this girl and whether fate has delivered him an opportunity that he shouldn’t ignore. Maybe he is ready and maybe he needs this push? Personally, as much as I respect her candor and drive, I cannot believe the craziness/audacity to make a proclamation like this after going on one date with someone. Isn’t this red flag 101?? Who does this?!! She is simply looking for a warm body…..with sperm…..and a job.
He decided he would give it another shot and see her again on a day date over the weekend where he would make the one hour drive down to see her this time. Somehow she let it be known she was anticipating sex again with him, regardless of the afternoon plans.
Dude, you better fucking wear a rubber this time because this girl is openly looking for a husband! Don’t you think her getting accidentally pregnant would perfectly seal the deal?! Don’t be an idiot, as a matter of fact, if you don’t know if you want to go down this slippery slope with her, don’t sleep with her at all!! And don’t tell me you don’t want to offend her by not having sex! I think she’ll be more upset if you sleep with her and then break it off…cause let me tell you something my friend…..you fuck her = you are her boyfriend…..that she’s planning on marrying very very soon!
To be continued…
I really couldn’t make this up. Funny how we always notice when someone posts a terribly unflattering photo of themselves in their profile….makes you wonder how accurate this one is…
Do you think he’s looking for a meaningful relationship? ….Or keeps cucumbers in his bed?
I don’t mean to relish in someone else’s misery…however….all’s fair in love and dating…..and….. it’s nice to know I’m not the only one dating screwballs.
These stories were told to be by a male friend so I’ll give you the stats. He’s early 40′s, tall, handsome, smart, funny with a good job and a full head of hair. He is far from perfect and has plenty of issues, but none that would have any impact or effect on these dates and these women so early on. For the sake of this post, let’s call him Steve.
Story 1: “Mail Order Bride”
Steve gets an email from a girl online saying that her friend, a doctor (who lives about an hour away in another state) is looking to meet a nice Jewish guy but she’s too busy and apprehensive to go online, but would he be willing to chat with her? After some photos were exchanged, Steve and the doctor begin speaking on the phone and online, and trying to find a day when their (meaning her) schedule would permit them to meet.
Once they agreed upon a day, she actually offered to drive to him (cardinal rule #1, the woman never goes out of her way to his area and caters to his convenience), which he happily accepted in order to avoid the long trek. During their phone calls, he surmised she was very intelligent and career oriented – but equally as dedicated in finding a husband. Not a concept he opposes necessarily, but let’s just say man-child isn’t in a rush either. She also mentioned how she was born overseas to strict Eastern European parents and was looking to build a traditional family with a serious and mature man who has his act together.
After building a rapport during the course of the week, he (as a veteran dater) knew not to expect anything. She, on the other hand a novice, was so eagerly awaiting the date and let it be known to him (rule #2, thou shall not show our cards too early – especially before meeting someone!) As far as she was concerned, it was nearly a done deal. He’s good on paper, we had some great conversations, the rest is cake. Ahhhhhh, foolish, naive girl!
They make up for her to drive to his apartment to meet, and would go out from there. Steve, is a bit of a slob to put it mildly, and so apartment pop-ins are not really part of his repertoire. Figuring this was a first date, with an internet stranger driving from another state, the odds of her seeing his place were slim to none. Or none to none. No reason to tidy up cause it’s not happening.
When she arrived, he mentioned meeting her downstairs to which she seemed a bit taken aback. He couldn’t understand why she would want to go upstairs to his place, but he simply ignored it and they walked to a neighborhood restaurant for dinner. Even before meeting, she made reference to staying out late, partying, having fun and it being a long evening. He was thinking, fuck, I’m exhausted from this wretched week and I’ll be lucky if I can stay awake past 10.
First impression was that she was attractive, albeit not his typical type. As one drink led to two and they got to know one another, he started to come around and before you know it — he’s having a really nice time, enjoying her company and thinking he’d like to see her again. She seemed to be equally enjoying herself, was quite flirty and obviously in no rush to take that long drive home, nor was she abstaining from drinking for that matter.
After dinner they went for drinks and they had spent several hours together now. As it lingered around midnight, he walked her back towards his place, but in actuality, to her car. Suddenly she had to use the bathroom or some other transparent excuse of why she needed to go upstairs, much to his horror. She agreed to wait outside for a few minutes while he desperately threw his strewn clothes in closets and got knows what under the bed or behind the potted plant. He says the bathroom was clean for her to use, but I’ve seen that thing, and would likely beg to differ. I told him not cleaning your apartment for a date is like a woman not shaving her legs or wearing nice underwear. It’s a bad move and ill prepared – and certainly not going to prevent anyone from hooking up!
She didn’t seem horrified by what she saw, and made light as if it were simply a typical bachelor pad, while he apologized for the state of disarray. One thing led to another and what do you know….they start kissing, and then despite what he says was gentlemanly behavior, she was alllll into them having sex. So they did.
So here’s a female doctor, attractive, intelligent and open about her intentions for marriage. Going ahead and sleeping with this guy the first night she meets him. No judgements on either party, but that’s certainly not the typical behavior for a woman who states she’s looking for a husband. At this point of the story, I’m envisioning a Fatal Attraction dynamic where she falls in love with him, or claims she’s pregnant or decides she’s quitting her job moving to his town to be closer. Only that’s not exactly what happened.
The next morning she overslept for a volunteering event she’s supposed to attend and finally gets up around 10. He on the other hand, has a busy afternoon of sleeping in mind. She says goodbye (to his account, it was neither awkward nor uncomfortable) and he goes back to bed, assuming they’d speak later in the day.
Later that afternoon, he sends her a text. Stating what a great time he had, how much fun it was and perhaps even mentions wanting to see her again. Her response?
Hmmmm, he thinks. Well, perhaps she’s busy, being a doctor and all. I’m sure I’ll hear back from her later.
Next day, he tries to contact her again. This time even sending a message saying how he feels like maybe he disappointed her in some way. Could it be the apartment that turned her off? Was it too messy? Or not lavish enough? I can tell you he has neither neon bar signs nor a stripper pole (yes, I dated men with both). From what she had told him, she didn’t have time to date much or go out, no less hook up and sleep around. But if she was embarrassed by her behavior, he certainly made it be known he was interested in seeing her again and the fact they hooked up had no bearing. So after the last message is sent in his hope to get some type of explanation…..
No response. No thank you. No, I had a nice time but I don’t think we’re a match, or you suck in bed, or I only date guys with leather console couches and shag rugs. Nada. I swear I thought those things only happen to women not men. But I suppose in this new age of female empowerment, equality and the internet….maybe….just maybe……she used him for sex when she realized she aint gonna marry him!
Talk about the shoe being on the other foot. And that high heel is fucking painful.
……to be continued