It’s Not me….It’s You

 

 

 

More stories coming soon….hold your horses will ya

I Just Threw Up a Little

I get allllll kinds of creeps and pervs interested in me. Some of them send nice notes. Others think that we were destined to be together, if I would only realize it.  Sometimes I read the messages, sometimes I’ll even check out their profile and I’m almost never shocked or surprised. Hell, occasionally I’m even flattered.

Until today….

you look absolutely amazing, i know you prob thinking oh this guy is too young, but i was wondering how it would be to spend some time with a person like you :O

I get messages like this fairly regularly and the men are normally in their mid to late 20′s, which is bad enough. So I clicked on his profile…

He’s 19!

An no, it wasn’t Justin Bieber.

A shiver went down my spine as a wave of nausea filled my gut. Did this kid’s mother not give him enough love or what?!

Gross.

Duhhh……

Clark Kent

Hurricane Man is out like his predecessor Sandy. Although I have a strong feeling I’ll hear from him again at some point telling me how busy he’s been…bla bla…bla…bla…blaaaa……I’m bored. If I can’t even rely on you as a booty call, what good are you?

So I went on a date last week with a guy I’m intrigued by, yet on the fence about. On paper we have a lot in common. On paper he’s a great catch. But there’s an “X” factor…something wrong or missing (I’m assuming) that I can’t quite put my finger on…yet.

Handsome, clean cut, seems relatively successful, intelligent, well-traveled and educated forty something…..Never married…no kids…uh oh….watch for falling shoes…to drop.I’m getting a Clark Kent vibe from him.

He’s a little nerdy for lack of a better word. He has no game, and I’m always on the fence deciding if that’s a good or bad thing. Of course I don’t want a player, but a man who knows how to date, how to treat a woman, how to PLAN a date. I’m not looking for chivalry (God forbid) but just some old-fashioned pleasantries to take the sting out of the wretchedness of dating.

Doesn’t drink, or smoke or do drugs. No tattoos, no notable vices. Sounds like a snoozer I know. But to offset this, he is incredibly well travelled….a HUGE plus in my book. Very adventurous and has family in corners of the globe and apparently the will and desire to take off at a moment’s notice. So I wonder, has he never married because of this whole vagabond/citizen of the world crap? Is that why I’ve never married? Or…is he just a closet deviant with female body parts in jars and bags under his bed?  It’s a 50/50 shot at this point.

I always seem to be drawn to a specific type of personality. Charming, smooth, sarcastic, funny…..and ultimately….kinda douchey when they’re not being charming. Always a yin for the yang. This guy, although well spoken, has a sort of awkward quality to him. I’m just not sure if that will irk or entice me. Something about him reminds me of the Brainiac Cowboy, but cuter….and hopefully dresses better. Not really my type, but a possible option and contender. The first kiss will be critical.

So besides him falling asleep during our conversation (eyes closing, me catching him before the full nod-off) he was a perfect gentleman on our first meeting. Note that once I confronted him “Uhhhh are you sleeping?!” he ran to the counter and purchased a triple shot espresso beverage and then explained how he was coming off three hours of sleep the night before.

It’s one of those wait and see scenarios, I’m being open-minded and I really need to go out again before forming an opinion. But here’s the kicker…Clark Kent appears to be a closet perv. He hasn’t said anything inappropriate but he’s definitely putting his feelers out there. Him texting me at 11 pm asking me if I’d like him to come over was the first indicator. Subsequent messages packed with sexual overtones and double entendres sealed the deal. Apparently I send out a sex goddess vibe I’m completely unaware of! Of course I find that intriguing as hell. Wolf in sheep’s clothing and all that jazz. Let’s just hope it’s not of the Ted Bundy/Craigslist Killer variety.

Things to be cautious of…him noting that he isn’t looking for a relationship per se, but if it happens that’s great. I fucking hate when they say that because it’s really bullshit. It’s simply code for “I want to hook up with no strings….unless I decide I’d like to pursue you….so don’t hold me to it.” Second clue…his profile says he’s looking for “friends and activity partners.” WTF?

Jeeeeez Louise!!! Doesn’t anyone older than 25 and younger than 65 want to be in a relationship?!

With me anyhow???

Hunker Down

Well I made it here in one piece.

Here I am, back in the Big Apple to resume chapter 643 of my life. So far so good, albeit it’s been a whirlwind with moving, new job, unpacking, head cold etc, etc. Oh and did I mention Hurricane Sandy?

Just now getting things sorted out and trying to ease myself back into the dating scene. So far I gotta say, it’s a bit grim. All the women over 25 in my office are married and the men are gay. Pretty standard protocol. So I started snooping around online and somebody must have posted my profile on seniorcitysingles.com because the only men writing me are over 50. Well over it.

I’m optimistic simply because I have to be, but also I’m in a new neighborhood, a new job and surrounded by friends so already I feel good. Then the storm hit. I’m locked away indoors for less than 24 hours and my ass hurts from too  much couch and tv time. I showered this morning and I’m pretty sure I won’t be getting dressed until the subways open and I’m forced to go back to work. I’m enjoying my nesting time as long as I have power, tv, cold beverages and the internet. I’m all good, with the exception of this awful sugar crash I’m having from breaking into the Halloween candy and Armageddon food I’ve been wolfing down.

I received what one would think was an enticing email saying “Hello, My name is Francois and I am a French surgeon….” I knew before even opening that sucker it was bad news. Call me psychic, call me jaded, call me an experienced dater. That was a red herring. Hours later, and in no rush to read this or any of the other wretched messages, I eventually went online to see what was happening. Then it hit me……this is like a bar at closing time. Everyone lurking around, looking around, possibly seeking someone to share the end of days or at least the next few hurricane rain days with. Holy crap, I just stumbled on a dating gold mine! Nobody is working and we’re all bored, horny and trapped indoors!

Sent out a few emails and heard back right away from someone else who was surely in the same mindset as I. We chatted briefly and then when we discovered we don’t live too far from one another he asked if I wanted to hang out tomorrow afternoon during the storm. In theory this sounds fun and eventful, but I gotta say, this hurricane is pretty much ensuring I will not be moving much off my couch unless it’s to the kitchen to make more ice and grab another diet coke or Twizzlers. If I lose power, I immediately switch to wine and goldfish crackers. Advance planning is imperative here.

So Hurricane Man is a cutie  but I’m going to insist we meet when no lives are at risk and I come down off this sugar high.

Shut The Front Door!*#&%!

When I used to read comments or messages or even see pictures on Facebook of or from Still Married Guy, at first it would hurt me…or I’d feel jealous…or sad….and obsessive. But instead of deleting him, (because I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of getting the best of me), I decided I would exercise restraint and just not go to his page or read his posts. But I still thought of him – often.

When the focus in my life switched to my career and my love life was officially on hold, the pain gradually lessened and the anger began to build. I’d much rather be angry than hurt. Albeit, apathy would be the preferred emotion, I’m not quite there yet. I’ve been tempted many times to send him one of my famous “fuck you” emails just to make him feel like shit for how he treated me and make him aware that he surely had no idea how much he hurt me. But I didn’t. Maybe I want him to see me flourish without him, and then feel like shit. Now I read his comments or messages and simply say (out loud mind you) Fuck you asshole, shut the fuck up! So I suppose I do still care, but it’s peppered with hatred…a step in the right direction!

So my career is once again taking me back on the road and I’m heading back to New York again. I’m not expecting any miracles, but I’m moving for work and hoping the love will fall in line after that. I’ve taken a look online and sure, there are plenty of familiar faces. Funny how these guys don’t seemed to have aged (some even turning back the hands of time) and some lame-asses are still using pictures that were old 2,3, 4 years ago. What’s old is always new again.

I wound up meeting with the Right Up My Alley dude. He picked a really cute but pricey townhouse bar/restaurant and greeted me at the door with oversized hipster glasses and a big smile. He was adorable, super cute, sweet, fun. We sat for about 2 or 3 hours talking about everything under the sun. We had a lot in common and similar backgrounds. Needless to say the man-child alert flag was at full staff, but that didn’t surprise me a bit. 40 never married, living in Williamsburg, Brooklyn but I was digging him nonetheless.

We wrapped things up and walked him to the subway and me to a cab. He made no mention of seeing me, calling me or speaking with me again. Oh but he did wish me luck on my interview the next day! Yup, a great date that I’ll never see again. So I ask myself, what’s worse, a shitty date that I never want to see (i.e.: Iced Tea douchebag) or a great date that is just that…..ONE great date. The lesser of two shitty things I suppose.

Chapter 642, my new life….again!

I Should Know Better But….

Been on a hiatus the last month, no dating since that jackass with the iced tea that made me buy my own drink. That left the taste of sour milk in my mouth and I was more than happy to get away, go on vacation and relish my unencumbered and celibate status.

As my life has been a series of vagabond adventures and travels, it seems as though I may be picking up and hitting the road again soon. No need to go into further explanation as this is a dating and relationship blog, not a personal diary, but I mention it because I changed my location on an online profile just to get a taste for what was out there in my potentially new city.

I was completely honest in my profile, mentioning how I travel back and forth, but likely planning to move back. After weeding through a selection of utterly undesirables and guys I might consider if I was bored, I stumbled upon a man who caught my attention in a way I haven’t seen in quite a while.

He had 7 or 8 photos up in various locales and poses, one more fetching than the next. Right up my alley, so cute I wanted to literally jump into the computer screen and crawl into his lap. The kind of guy I know without question I will be attracted to and wanting to jump his bones before the main course is served. Add to that a compatibility rating of 95%. Ninety-five fucking percent with only 2% chance of becoming enemies. Sounds ridiculous I know, but the way okcupid.com works is actually based on the metrics of some very vague and very specific questions about preferences, beliefs, opinions and stances on topics in ethics, sex, lifestyle, dating and “other.” If I’m answering 200+ questions on my beliefs, preferences and lifestyle choices, there’s going to be some accuracy on this rating system. The method of course, does not account for physical attraction, but that goes without saying.

So as far as the photos, check. Compatibility, check. Obvious flaws, red flags or baggage listed? Nope. Check. Has a job/career, check. Similar interests, check. Oh, and did I mention I wanna rape him? I’ve never met him and I already feel like a giddy school girl. This is where it gets bad and I should know better. He’s perfect on paper, and that’s never a good thing. Besides it likely not being true, all it does is build my expectations and anticipation and that’s never a good thing when drawn out over a long period of time.

Taking a step back, he invited me for drinks while I was in town, but due to my schedule and him having to work we couldn’t coordinate getting together. We playfully texted back and forth and he asked when I’d be back in town again. I mentioned that I’d likely return in the next few weeks unless he was interested in a road trip. (Just putting it out there, I figured). He was into it, although I’m not sure exactly what those parameters would be. Nothing ventured nothing gained I figure. He said we should get together and plan something for the second week of September. This of course feels like a lifetime and I’m well aware that is just ample time for me to obsess and him to meet someone else or lose interest. Great!

Do I keep the banter going? Will that make me look too interested? Do I play cool and risk him losing interest? Out of sight out of mind. It all brings about the question I often ponder…..Do men and women get more excited about meeting someone for the first time with the anticipation of the unknown and the hope and promise that brings?…..or the second date after you’ve already met the person and know what you’re getting?

I have no answers but I do know that any time a guy has gone over the top in almost obsessive behavior (i.e.: Still Married Guy) it surely leads to a rapid demise of whatever pipe dream they had in their heads. If they are soooo into you before even meeting, it’s almost certainly a red flag and grounds for disappointment.

Been there done that. Let’s see how this plays out.

I Hate You and Want My Two Hours Back!

First date in a few months, since the Brainiac Cowboy. Boy, was I nervous. To top things off, he originally asked me out for an iced tea. WTF? Am I 12?! Then asked me to take a walk with his dog. Again, not an acceptable first date. So due to our conflicting schedules we managed to find a pocket of time at 4 pm on a Monday.

His profile was cryptic, but intriguing. Artist amongst other things. And what are the other things? A raw food vegan. Yeah…..that’s likely not gonna work for me. I’m a fan in principle, and I eat very little meat myself, but it’s just so rigid…..and annoying.

He conveniently ignored the meat and potato (no pun intended) questions so I only had a vague overview about him and his background. The profile was intriguing enough, although the photo/s were vague as well. What the hell, I need to get back in the game.

Being a hot and sticky Summer afternoon he suggested we go on a walk as our date. I suggested we meet at a local cafe with an open patio as a compromise. It only went downhill from there.

I spot him at a small table and immediately walk over to greet him. He never stood up, shook my hand, hugged me, etc. nothing….fine, I’ll let his cold demeanor slide. Then he proceeded to have a near catatonic personality that immediately signaled to me he was either not interested in me or just comatose in general . Or both.

I was not attracted to him at all. He wasn’t offensive, but the best way I can describe his look, mannerisms and vibe was that of an aging Queen. And a Bitchy Queen at that. Wayyyy too effeminate for my taste but beyond that, he just wasn’t terribly nice or enjoyable to be with. He initially made no attempt to ask me anything about myself and I knew this was going to be excruciating if I didn’t make the best of it and try to ask him about him himself.

Let’s just put it this way, he told me a story of when he was 18 years old and saw a UFO, subsequently having no memory of what happened and thus, convinced he was likely abducted with memory erased. This was the highlight of the date.

Side note: What’s the chances I would go out with two different men who were both alien abductees? The pickins are officially slim in case I needed that validation.

His answers were evasive when I said where did you go to school he said “here” and I’m pretty sure here isn’t Harvard or M.I.T. He was just sort of douchy in the vaguest sense of the word. But I ordered a glass of wine so as not to be rude to the waiter since Vegan Guy was sipping on water. I then proceeded to ask him about his vegan-ness and how that came about, which I happen to find interesting (having nothing to do with him, simply my own fascination with diet, health and the food industry in general).

I questioned myself during the date if I could imagine being friends with him and the jury was out. I just didn’t like him as a person and it really pissed me off because I’m always to nice to these guys whether I’m attracted or interested or not.

After almost two hours, the bill for his iced tea (that he sent back because it tasted artificial) and my one glass of pinot grigio arrived and we managed to talk a bit longer. I excused myself to go to the restroom, and when I returned I saw a $5 bill sitting on the bill. I assumed he paid with a credit card and that was the tip. I assumed wrong.

Are you ready to go? I asked.

Well, no. I only paid for my iced tea so…..

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? You are a 45-year-old man, gainfully employed, doing so-called charity work and are so well-traveled and cultured and you don’t pay for my $11 glass of wine? I just think that’s disgusting and low-class. This has only happened to me ONCE before. In alllll my dates. ONCE. It was even worse that time, as we each had one beer and I had to shell out $5 for my half. It’s bad manners and so immature. You know how many dates I’ve been on that there was no chemistry but they always pay or offer to pay, it’s simply part of the process and the gentlemanly thing to do. It’s starting to make sense that he told me he doesn’t date, yeah buddy I know why!!!

The steam was coming out of my ears I was so livid. I was so polite and sweet and accommodated his schedule and the dick didn’t offer to buy me a glass of wine? I wasted two hours of my time, another 1.5 to prep, get dressed, blow out my hair to look cute, assemble the right outfit etc. You think this is effortless and easy for women? We invest a lot of time (not to mention energy) into a date, especially a first date.

He walked me to the corner and I had to restrain ,myself from running across the street with the excuse of, oh it’s a walk sign, gotta dash! He extends his hand and says oh I’ll call you?

In hell you will!

Mr. Grey Is That You??

 

You just KNOW this is some perverted troll…

What it Feels Like For a Girl

What does it feel like to be a single woman?

It’s a mixed bag of tricks and emotions ranging from empowerment and strength to apathy and self pity. My moods and emotions are dictated by everything from the weather – to whether I won’t go to an event alone.

It’s being thankful for not marrying the wrong guy to wondering if I let a good one get away.

It’s forgetting the name of a guy I once thought I’d never get over to not being able to forget the ones that I fear I’ll always think about.

It’s feeling thankful for the wonderful friendships that arose from failed relationships and harboring anger towards those I gave way too many chances.

It’s feeling stronger and wiser in so many ways and yet still falling victim to making some of the same mistakes over and over.

It’s wondering if in the end this will all be worth it when I truly find “the one” to regretting where I went wrong and who I should have settled for.

It’s a sense of peace, freedom and independence to sensing I’m not doing some of the things I want simply because I need a partner to do them.

It’s feeling like a third wheel to believing I am loved by many.

It’s not being held back by obligation to wanting to be responsible to someone other than myself.

It’s liberating and lonely all at the same time.

But most of all, it is…..and I am…..hopeful.