Tag Archives: friends with benefits

My Virtual Boyfriend – Part 2

Unknown-1The plans went back and forth for weeks with him changing his mind and not being able to commit to a meeting location or city. Do we meet up by him? A few hours south, down by where I was staying? Or someplace neutral like Miami where we could go on a fun date of sorts. He seemed flustered and unable to make a decision and I was trying to set him at ease, so we decided to wait until I arrived.

By the time I got to Florida and we were in the process of coordinating when he could leave his mom unattended, we had arranged to meet up in the afternoon for lunch and he made a hotel reservation nearby for two nights. We had  it all planned out. We would meet for lunch, he then had a job interview or meeting or something he would attend, and then we would meet up again for dinner. Regardless of how it went I would NOT be staying at the hotel and he wanted to have a traditional first date, regardless of our untraditional situation. Next day he would pick me up, we’d spend the day together and if things meshed, maybe I’d stay at the hotel on night two. No pressure, no expectations….in theory anyhow.

Somehow this turned into us meeting at Starbucks for a coffee and from the get-go I knew he was nervous. I wasn’t attracted to him per se, but since we had gotten to know one another on a much deeper level, I didn’t pass judgement and treated it like we were old friends, open to whatever may or may not happen. We had a nice lunch and gave me a gift bag with two cards. One was a sweet friendship card about how often he thinks about me and the other a thoughtful birthday card. At least one of them mentioned the phrase girlfriend inside. When he handed me the bag he said “Happy Belated Birthday” and I was touched by his thoughtfulness.

I opened it up and started pulling out the wads of tissue paper stuffed inside. I reached in to find a chocolate Toblerone candy bar. One of my favorites that I had mentioned in a previous conversation. Oh I wonder if he is giving me all of my favorite things or something sweet like that! I now excitedly dipped back in for what other surprises awaited me, grabbing more and more tissue each time. “Oh, that’s it. There’s nothing else in there,” he replied in a matter of fact fashion.” “Oh thank you that was very sweet” I said on the outside while my inner voice just wondered, did you just give me a big gift bag filled with tissue….and a candy bar for my birthday? Way to build up expectations dude!

Lunch was pleasant and we sat for a few hours before he needed to head off for his meeting. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to kiss him or how I felt, but I figured things would be more casual over dinner after a cocktail or two and we would both let our guard down. We hugged goodbye and said we’d talk in a few hours about the evening schedule.

About two hours passed and he phoned me from his cell, immediately sounding fidgety and uneasy. “Uhhhh listen….I need to be honest with you….I had a great time, but I just didn’t feel butterflies. I didn’t want there to be any pressure so I uhhhh…..gave up the hotel…..and I’m going home instead.”

So you mean to tell me you are in the car now driving home and didn’t even feel comfortable enough to stay and hang out or have dinner?

“Uhhhh…..I just felt like I was having lunch with my best friend and not someone I wanted to fuck.”

Let me tell you, when someone says that to you, you are no longer obligated to use any filter whatsoever so I told him exactly what I was thinking as well. That I didn’t know how I felt or if he was my type but after investing 3+ months of intense conversation EVERY SINGLE DAY, I thought it was worth t least having dinner before coming to any conclusions. Thing is….I was a little relieved (albeit annoyed and slightly insulted) and he actually thought I was saying all that to cut him slack and make him feel better. Unfucking real, men and their egos.

So here’s where the bizarre quota goes up again, let me give you the basic stats at this point.

1. He gave me cards and referred to me repeatedly as his girlfriend

2. We never so much as even kissed or had any sexual relationship

3. After “courting” for 3 months when we were finally going to spend some time together, he bolted after lunch and went home…to his mom

4. He told me he did NOT in fact want to fuck me (but to not take it personally of course or think it had any impact on my  overall fuckability)

5. He followed up by continuing to call me numerous times a day, texting etc…..like none of the above had happened

6. He became hostile and jealous at the mere mention of other men, me going out with any male friends or the mere mention of any of my exes

7. He mentioned how disappointed he was that I never referred to him as baby or sweetie (post “fuck” comment mind you)

Ugh, you know, this is merely scratching the surface of the shenanigans that went on with him for 4 months including when I returned to NY. Call it head games, nonsense, man-child jealous hijinks, I really want no part of it.

Here’s the crazy part, I wound up deciding to move back to Florida and we WOULD have been able to carry on a relationship. About 3 weeks before I was set to move he suddenly stopped all communication. Cold in his tracks, never to be heard from again.

I suppose the thought of a real girlfriend isn’t nearly as easy or comfortable as having a virtual one.

Always Judge a Book By its Cover

Been on a few dates now with Clark Kent. I haven’t written because I’m not really quite sure what to say. Strange from me, I know.

I don’t have anything bad to say about him. He hasn’t done anything awful or offensive. But something is clearly off or missing that I can’t put my finger on. Putting that aside, we had a very candid conversation about how he is not looking for a relationship, doesn’t have time to commit to someone at the moment and wouldn’t be a good boyfriend to anyone. So….where do you go from there?

I told him, that I was in fact, looking for a relationship, but I appreciated his honesty and wasn’t sure where that left us. Put that together with me being ambivalent and I was okay no matter how this thing pans out. He said he was ideally looking for a friend that he could hang out with, do things with and be sexually attracted to them (which I suppose is code for sleeping with them). Dating with no strings or friends with benefits…no matter what you call it, it’s what a lot of men (I won’t say most) want and it’s bullshit. It’s all the so-called good stuff and none of the committment or obligation. Nice try buddy.

Needless to say, of course I heard from him again days later. Checking in and saying hello, and then ultimately asking if I’d like to go out again. Hmmm…..

“Is this us going on a date or going out as friends?” I asked.

“How about friends going out on a date?!” he lamely offers up.

So what am I supposed to do with that now? Ah, fuck it, I’ll go. I’m not feeling vulnerable like I’ll get hurt because I’m so on the fence anyhow. But I need to at least kiss this guy to see if we have any sexual chemistry since our social chemistry is fair but a bit awkward in my opinion. Perhaps this will tip me over the fence one way or the other.

But here’s the kicker…..he doesn’t drink…..or smoke….or drink coffee….or eat sushi. I mean my entire social existence is based on those things! So I ask – if you go out to dinner on a date,and you don’t drink, and there’s a certain nervous awkwardness and questionable things in common…..what do you do when you’re done eating???

Which was where we wrapped up date number two btw.

I don’t know about him, but I needed to be a little buzzed in this scenario while I test the waters. So outside of me acquiring some kind of date rape drug, how am I supposed to loosen up, loosen him up and see if there is anything lying beneath the surface with Clark Kent? I should note that his texts throughout the week were consistently sexual in nature, despite us barely touching skin beyond a good-bye kiss on the cheek and then peck on the lips. He was giving definitive, wolf in sheep’s clothing vibe and I’ve been down this road before.

The best looking, most charming, sexiest guys (The Pilot, The Greek, Still Married Guy etc.) all had a magical spell over me until we hit the sack. Then their mystical powers vanished and then what I was left with was a selfish or inadequate lover who clearly has never been told by, or asked a woman what actually works and what clearly doesn’t. And I guarantee they all think they’re spectacular in bed.

But I digress…..

The flip side to this coin is that the mild-mannered, somewhat nerdy, non-player, average Joes have always been amazing when it comes to pleasing a woman (namely me) and can’t seem to do enough to make me happy and pleasantly surprised and left with a newfound respect and sense of wonder and delight.

So I just KNEW Clark Kent would be good. I just felt it. He has no vices he’s got to be a sexual deviant or at the very least, damn good in bed.

He asked me to a museum and it was one of those days that I just felt like nesting in. Watching a movie, making dinner and wearing loose clothes or sweats if possible. He happily agreed and I knew I had to get him drunk, or at least tipsy and test these waters….

Since I don’t like to describe my sexual exploits (simply hint to them), I’ll say I made my famous sangria that just about any non-drinker will imbibe with delight. I threw in a pinch of rum, clearly disguised by the sugar and wham! We’re good to go. Home cooked meal, a biz of booze and he’s at my place. I’m no dummy.

Yadda yadda yadda….

We talked and cooked and dinner was fucking delicious if I must say so myself. Peruvian roasted chicken with brown rice, salad and cilantro dressing. Again questioning our chemistry and if we were on the same wave length, I was still stuck on the board and waiting to grab my get out of jail or you’ve won a beauty contest collect $200 to move this thing ahead or back two steps to get out of the holding pattern in my brain.

My so-called plan worked. He eventually leaned in and kissed me and I knew from that moment this was going to be good….And I was right.

So do I like him now? Still not sure. But it’s nice to have options.

Thanks For Coming!

For those of you wondering and enquiring where MY dating stories have gone, you should know it’s not that I’m holding back – I’ve simply been on a dating hiatus. Due to the fact I haven’t found anyone that interests me in this one horse town in quite a while, and that I have some personal/professional things happening that are more pressing, I decided to save my energy and time and cool down.

Sucks, but true.

I have been offered sex from Facebook Guy any time I’d like…..so there’s always that in my back pocket. Yippee.

Spent the day yesterday with Male Me. I still find it strange to refer to him as such since is clearly not, but let’s proceed. We’re friends, and I’m going to go out on a limb to say it’s only because we never slept together. We have fun and it’s not all that different from spending time with a girlfriend. Except he doesn’t shop, gossip or crave dessert. Soooo…… I guess it’s not quite as fun. We walked around the city and decided to have lunch outside on a gorgeous Spring day.

Within moments of being seated, this exceptionally chipper server approaches us with a big smile, how do you do and hey where are you guys from? We explained we were locals and I spent the rest of the afternoon pondering if I should be flattered or insulted by this remark?

The server returned about 3 more times, clearly bordering on too friendly/annoying and exceptionally attentive, before we placed our drink and lunch orders. I asked for a few suggestions and opinions on the tuna burger and he ordered the lobster roll without hesitation. I was acknowledged with a huge smile, thoughtful responses and repeated check-ins to see how I/we were doing.

After about 40 minutes of dining and sharing stories, Male Me looks over and says, you do know our server is totally into you right? I laughed immediately because I was sensing the same thing as well.

Let’s just say my glass was never more than half empty, we never longed for condiments and I was asked no less than a half-dozen times if everything was up to my expectations. This was more than good service, this was flirting.

Watch, I’m going to the bathroom and I can guarantee who will be sitting here when I return! I kinda waited to be pounced on myself in a nervous/flattering sorta way. But alas, being a man, he returned rather quickly, so there wasn’t ample time to test the theory. Shortly after, the server did return to chat and attempt to convince us into dessert before we just requested the check.

As Male Me was signing the credit card slip, he looks up and says , ya know, you could simply write your number here on the slip…..half-joking but secretly wishing I would, for his own amusement.

The catch you ask?

If you haven’t guessed yet, our server was a woman.  Because if our server was a man this would surely never happen!

Times like this make me so jealous of my gay and lesbian friends who are so much more open and direct about flirting and showing interest. Male Me agreed and we both took 10 seconds wondering what it would be like to escape the God-awful world of hetero dating and experience what seems like the carefree, no bullshit, direct approach of gay courtship.

Then the 10 seconds passed, we laughed, said goodbye to our waitress and headed on our way.

Back to the drawing board.