When I say psychos, criminals and pervs are the only ones who contact me online…
I’m not kidding!
Been on a few dates now with Clark Kent. I haven’t written because I’m not really quite sure what to say. Strange from me, I know.
I don’t have anything bad to say about him. He hasn’t done anything awful or offensive. But something is clearly off or missing that I can’t put my finger on. Putting that aside, we had a very candid conversation about how he is not looking for a relationship, doesn’t have time to commit to someone at the moment and wouldn’t be a good boyfriend to anyone. So….where do you go from there?
I told him, that I was in fact, looking for a relationship, but I appreciated his honesty and wasn’t sure where that left us. Put that together with me being ambivalent and I was okay no matter how this thing pans out. He said he was ideally looking for a friend that he could hang out with, do things with and be sexually attracted to them (which I suppose is code for sleeping with them). Dating with no strings or friends with benefits…no matter what you call it, it’s what a lot of men (I won’t say most) want and it’s bullshit. It’s all the so-called good stuff and none of the committment or obligation. Nice try buddy.
Needless to say, of course I heard from him again days later. Checking in and saying hello, and then ultimately asking if I’d like to go out again. Hmmm…..
“Is this us going on a date or going out as friends?” I asked.
“How about friends going out on a date?!” he lamely offers up.
So what am I supposed to do with that now? Ah, fuck it, I’ll go. I’m not feeling vulnerable like I’ll get hurt because I’m so on the fence anyhow. But I need to at least kiss this guy to see if we have any sexual chemistry since our social chemistry is fair but a bit awkward in my opinion. Perhaps this will tip me over the fence one way or the other.
But here’s the kicker…..he doesn’t drink…..or smoke….or drink coffee….or eat sushi. I mean my entire social existence is based on those things! So I ask – if you go out to dinner on a date,and you don’t drink, and there’s a certain nervous awkwardness and questionable things in common…..what do you do when you’re done eating???
Which was where we wrapped up date number two btw.
I don’t know about him, but I needed to be a little buzzed in this scenario while I test the waters. So outside of me acquiring some kind of date rape drug, how am I supposed to loosen up, loosen him up and see if there is anything lying beneath the surface with Clark Kent? I should note that his texts throughout the week were consistently sexual in nature, despite us barely touching skin beyond a good-bye kiss on the cheek and then peck on the lips. He was giving definitive, wolf in sheep’s clothing vibe and I’ve been down this road before.
The best looking, most charming, sexiest guys (The Pilot, The Greek, Still Married Guy etc.) all had a magical spell over me until we hit the sack. Then their mystical powers vanished and then what I was left with was a selfish or inadequate lover who clearly has never been told by, or asked a woman what actually works and what clearly doesn’t. And I guarantee they all think they’re spectacular in bed.
But I digress…..
The flip side to this coin is that the mild-mannered, somewhat nerdy, non-player, average Joes have always been amazing when it comes to pleasing a woman (namely me) and can’t seem to do enough to make me happy and pleasantly surprised and left with a newfound respect and sense of wonder and delight.
So I just KNEW Clark Kent would be good. I just felt it. He has no vices he’s got to be a sexual deviant or at the very least, damn good in bed.
He asked me to a museum and it was one of those days that I just felt like nesting in. Watching a movie, making dinner and wearing loose clothes or sweats if possible. He happily agreed and I knew I had to get him drunk, or at least tipsy and test these waters….
Since I don’t like to describe my sexual exploits (simply hint to them), I’ll say I made my famous sangria that just about any non-drinker will imbibe with delight. I threw in a pinch of rum, clearly disguised by the sugar and wham! We’re good to go. Home cooked meal, a biz of booze and he’s at my place. I’m no dummy.
Yadda yadda yadda….
We talked and cooked and dinner was fucking delicious if I must say so myself. Peruvian roasted chicken with brown rice, salad and cilantro dressing. Again questioning our chemistry and if we were on the same wave length, I was still stuck on the board and waiting to grab my get out of jail or you’ve won a beauty contest collect $200 to move this thing ahead or back two steps to get out of the holding pattern in my brain.
My so-called plan worked. He eventually leaned in and kissed me and I knew from that moment this was going to be good….And I was right.
So do I like him now? Still not sure. But it’s nice to have options.
I rarely go back and read old diary or journal posts. Likely because the writing was for therapeutic and not literary purposes. I have, however, gone back and read many of my blog posts just to try to remember how I thought or felt about a person as compared to the present day, post dating/relationship etc.
I’m not going to lie, sometimes I cringe – trying to recall what could have possibly led me to think or feel so strongly way towards someone whose name I can now barely recall. How many times I’ve come home from a date and in my school girl naiveté profess how much I love them! Not love of course, but think they are the shizzz. Instead of actually just being a shit head, which many turned out to be once the novelty wore off.
I also often wonder how I’ve remained friends (even close) with some men I’ve dated and how others simply dropped off the face of the Earth and out of my life. My scientific and curious side tried to find a pattern – like I only remained friends with guys I’ve never slept with…..or those I only dated a few times….or those that I never really had strong feelings for. But none of those were true or consistent. The pattern was…. there was no pattern. It’s a crap shoot with one exception – if a guy really hurt me, or screwed me over or lied to me or treated me poorly or disrespectfully, odds are we are not currently friends.
One reason that made me think of this recently was a somewhat related conversation I had with Male Me. He insisted that sex changes everything and that it is virtually impossible to have a friendship with a woman and have sex with her (while not dating her just to be clear). You know, friends with benefits…fuck buddies…..call it what you like. We are all products of our own experiences so obviously this hasn’t worked for him. I’ll agree there is a slippery slope when it comes to friendship and sex but I don’t believe the two are mutually exclusive. I don’t believe there is one specific formula that works and another that is doomed, but clearly if one party has feelings for the other and there is sex, and the other party doesn’t want emotional attachment….well, that’s usually a recipe for disaster.
So what changes in a person to allow this evolution? Time can certainly be a factor. So does getting to know a person. The guy who I thought was my soul mate after two dates suddenly moves to the category of ‘wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole’ after getting to know him for 6 months. However, what was once a crush can now be a deep respect and fondness that is shared amongst friends who have let their guards down enough to have a genuine friendship.
The only gray area in this scenario is what happens when one friend gets involved with a new romantic partner? Is there jealousy? Does the new partner understand or appreciate why their boyfriend/girlfriend is maintaining a friendship with an ex or almost ex? That’s where it gets sticky and sometimes friendships don’t survive when the new girlfriend/boyfriend turns into a wife/husband. A lot of men can’t juggle the girl “friend” AND the girlfriend and I’ve sadly cut off friendships when a male friend only has time for me in-between relationships. I’m not going to be filler for anyone, I care too much and I take my friendships (male or female) seriously.
I’m not going to say time heals all wounds, but it certainly brings clarity to most situations. Granola and I are good friends who occasionally sleep together. Facebook Guy and I are friends, but guarded ones. Male Me and I are friends again after a period of not speaking. I feel like we are in a good place and I genuinely care about him and enjoy his company with no remorse of what never happened or could have between us. It took time to get to this place, but I think we’re in the clear.
Still Married Guy is another story altogether.
I don’t talk about him to anyone as everyone around me (including blog readers) seems to think I’m an idiot for spending a millisecond of my time pining for him. I’ve actually received nasty and angry messages from readers calling me stupid and blind to pursue anything with him after being hurt and dejected. As if I’m the first and only person to do that! But the truth is, I think about him almost every day. And it’s been 6 months since I saw him, and almost that long since we’ve spoken.
I couldn’t read his Facebook updates they both enraged and saddened me. But I also couldn’t de-friend him either. I couldn’t cut the strings. I know he still checks my profile and looks at my pictures since he occasionally leaves a remark or thumbs up.
It’s amazing how one part of me can recall the hurtful things he said and did, not to mention leading me on and breaking my heart. But the other part still thinks about him even after 6 months and misses him dearly. I don’t know if I could ever just be friends with him – or if I’d care to. Saddest part is we could have been great friends had we never slept together. A fact that I think he knew and likely regretted from the get-go.
We could have been a great “something” together and now…..now he’s just somebody that I used to know.
In addition to watching and reading female oriented material like Sex and the City, Tough Love and yes, I’ll admit…Fifty Shades of Grey, I like to get into the male brain every so often, just out of curiosity. Before I go off on that tangent, I’d like to shamelessly plug the new HBO series “Girls” an original (albeit somewhat derivative of SATC), as an entertaining and more realistic version of single young women working, drinking, dating and finding themselves in New York City.
Although I’d hardly describe it as gritty – writer/director/producer/star Lena Dunham, a 24-year-old wunderkind, puts herself out there emotionally and even physically, exposing her insecurities and far from perfect body for all the world to see. As much as I applaud her bravery, I certainly could do without the weekly ass-fucking scenes. Although I don’t know what it’s like to be a recent graduate in this economy, trying to find a job, no less yourself, but certain life passages never change. Hardly glamorous, these “girls” may be sexually independent, while financially tethered to their parents in order to get by. It’s both awkward and funny, and I’m hooked.
On the flip side, I recently read the book “The Average American Male” and rented “I Melt With You” — both very good (or bad) examples of men behaving very badly. The book, supposedly a fictional account (although this is highly disputed by the alleged ex-girlfriend of the author), accounts the life and times of a 20-something misogynistic L.A. douchebag who can’t seem to think of anything but how big his girlfriend’s ass is and when he’s getting his next blow job. Once I got over the initial asshole factor, I found myself actually amused and entertained. I will admit however, at the disappointed of the lead character not being run over by a bus or contracting a rare strain of genital warts. In the end (spoiler alert) he realizes every girlfriend of his turns out to be the same and he actually can’t do any better and there actually isn’t something better around the corner waiting for him.
I saw the trailer for “I Melt With You” while watching some indie flick and to be honest, I had no idea what it was about, only that it told the story of four college friends getting together after 20 years and three of them were Rob Lowe, Thomas Jane and Jeremy Piven. (Sorry, unknown fourth guy)
This movie was awful. And I’m not sure if I was offended more by their ridiculous behavior or the ridiculous plot of the story. 2 drug over doses and 1 suicide after a few nights of debauchery, excessive drugs, teenage girls and what we’re supposed to accept as general “boys being boys” even at 47 was neither amusing nor entertaining. I thought they were idiots, and if that is a true account of what happens when guys get together, well then thank God I’m a woman!
And if this still interests you, check out the trailer.
The first date was great by all standards. Drinks, dinner, laughing, lots in common, lots of mutual questions and I believe mutual attraction. We ended it on a high note with plans to do it again the following week when he had his first available free night.
I was home at 2:15 am and elated from a really fun night.
Text me: Thanks for a fun night!
Text him: Yes, that WAS fun! Just got home. And xoxo!
I received a text from him requesting my email so he could send me the itinerary for the next date including a concert, drinks and dinner. Kudos to a man who plans a full evening packed with lots of entertainment! He mentioned the show was at 7:30 and did I want to eat and drink before or after? Then he mentioned how he was doing a job for the venue and that were “paying” him in credits where he could eat and drink to his heart’s content at one of the hotel’s restaurants, and pretty upscale ones at that. “You’d better be prepared to eat and drink A LOT because I need to make sure they know the value of my services is expensive! I also have an extra set of tickets if you have any friends that might like to attend too.” Cute, funny and certainly not an issue I thought. So far so good!
Text flirt blab bla bla…..Text him: We’ll see what kind of trouble we can get in on Wednesday.
Text me: I look forward to it. Text flirt bla bla bla.
Text him: I think we both know you’re already under my spell, but I’ll play along.
Text me: Your modesty is charming. Text flirt blab la bla.
Text him: Don’t let it scare you, but I’m really looking forward to seeing you on Wednesday.
Text me: It takes more than that to scare me.
Text him: Okay, I’ll try harder. Text flirt bla bla bla.
Just reading this put a smile on my face from ear to ear. Wow, that’s such a nice (although incredibly candid) thing to hear and for him to say. Bonus points all around. He texted me sporadically throughout the day and the next day as well. All was good; we were both eagerly anticipating the date, now 4 days away. I was very excited, perhaps a bit too much, but he was just saying what I wanted and needed to hear.
Text me: Is it too late to claim those extra concert tickets for my friend? Text him: I offered them to my friend. But don’t have your friend buy tickets; I can always get an extra pair.
Text me: Thanks, that’s very nice of you. Random chat bla bla bla.
No contact. His kids were with him during that period so I didn’t want to intrude on their time.
Text him: Wanna meet tomorrow between 6:30-7?
Text me: That’s fine. Are you driving in?
Text him: Yes, I’m driving, I’ll be working from home, my boss is in town and I’m on the tail end of a cold I’m trying to shake
Text me: No excuses, get some rest tonight and save up your energy.
Text him: I’ll try. Let’s meet at the bla bla bar, I’ll call you tomorrow.
Text me: Ok, hope you feel better!
Finally the big day arrives of what was to be the big date, the night we were both so eagerly anticipating for nearly a week. I tried on no less than 25 outfits trying to accommodate the finicky weather, unknown vibe of the club and flirtatious mood that I may or may not be in….all while having it look effortless of course. Men have no clue what women go through in preparation for a date. Especially one they’re really into. I had no idea what to expect but I was thankful the waiting was over.
Text me: How you feeling today?
Text him: A lot better, finally. Big days today and tomorrow so I’m wondering if we should try to grab dinner beforehand. Either the original restaurant or something quick. Thoughts?
Text me: So we will NOT be painting the town this eve? J Whatever you want to do is fine with me.
Text him: I can’t stay up al night I was up at 5 today. Give me a few hours, I’ll probably be fine. I’ll let you know the plan then. Going to have a big lunch so maybe late dinner will be okay.
Text me: Ok, keep me posted.
Seriously???? I’m the furthest thing from high maintenance but he went from a night of drinks, a concert and amazing dinner to let’s meet at the venue right before the show starts! I was pissed. This was not nice no matter how you slice it. I also did not appreciate that he’s not picking me up and I have to bus it to Harvard Square in 4” heels. All would have been forgiven had he been even the slightest bit apologetic or remorseful; I would have even been open to rescheduling when he felt better. He’s certainly not flirty and playful the way he was a few days ago, but alas, I’ll cut him some slack and try not to be so sensitive.
3 hours later…
Text him: I’m really wiped, I’d like to just have something light prior or maybe just do the show if that’s ok?
Text me: Whatever you want to do is fine. You sure you still wanna go? You don’t sound into it?
Text him: I do. I already committed to do the show.
Text me: I meant with me?
Text him: Sorry, I’m just tired. If you want to skip it that’s fine. I’m at a Dr. appointment, but will call you when I get home.
Is he trying to get out of it? Or let me get out of it? What is happening here before my eyes? Where is the man who was gushing 4 days ago?
Phone call me: I don’t want you to misunderstand. I explained how I did want to see him and go out, but considering his enthusiasm has waned dramatically over the course of the last few days I wasn’t sure what his thoughts and intentions were. I’m not really sure how or if he actually answered that question. I can say, he did NOT say I’m so sorry, I really want to see you, I’m still looking forward to tonight but I’m just feeling crappy, forgive me for being cranky. I was annoyed now and having no idea what to expect for the evening. If he was suddenly not into me over the course of the last few days I’d prefer he cancel now then drag me out for an evening and then never hear from him again. Pull the plug buddy, because your faucet has gone from burning hot to ice-cold and I am NOT a plumber!
Phone call him: Let’s meet right before the show and grab a drink. I’ll meet you there.
We met 30 minutes prior to the show and he greeted me with a hug and suggested we go to the bar at Legal Seafood for a drink. Okay, sure – God knows I wanted and needed one pretty badly at this point. Entering the packed restaurant, we notice two empty seats at the end of the bar. Wow, how lucky! I pull out the chair to notice the man sitting alone at the end stool is in fact homeless and disheveled, noisily slurping a bowl of soup the management surely offered him. What made things worse, or at the very least exceptionally uncomfortable, was that not only was he talking to himself out loud, but also apparently half his face was melted or disfigured. As horrific as it sounds, it was nearly comical at the time when I realize of course I’m already on edge with this date situation and now sitting next to a half-faced vagrant rambling and writing me notes on the paper placemats. Only me!
Arriving at the venue, we are seated ON THE STAGE. There would be no talking, flirting or pretty much anything else as the amps, speakers and lead singer are all inches from my face! He pulls out a pair of earplugs for himself and offers me a set. My friends show up and he quickly meets them.
Two hours later, as the mildly pleasant show ended (and I was incredibly grateful for the earplugs), we left the club and he seemed a “tad” upbeat, but not much. Expressing how hungry he was along with a craving for pizza, we headed to a local Harvard dive joint for a slice. We chatted a bit about this and that but there was clearly a disconnection. His eyes were bloodshot red and glassy and his mind was clearly in another dimension. Is it me or his body putting him in this funk? Perhaps if he said “hey, I’m really sorry about the change in plans and me being a grump, I’m just really not feeling well, but I’d like to make it up to you.”
That never happened.
The moment he devoured the last morsel of crust he declared “I’ve gotta go to sleep now! I’ll drive you home.” The mood was awkward due to any or all of the aforementioned reasons and I was wondering why we went out at all if he was going to be such a pill.
We pulled up to my apartment with no mention of his behavior or seeing me again. He may have acknowledged his lameness, but I’m not even sure that was accompanied with an apology. Hug and kiss on the cheek to follow (because he was sick or didn’t want to, I may never know), and I headed upstairs with an overwhelming feeling of disappointment.
Text me: Thanks for everything, sorry you weren’t feeling great L
Text him: Me too. Night.
Friday: Text Me: How are you feeling?
Text him: Ugh.
Text me: Anything I can do?
Text him: Just grabbed a large coffee, that should do the trick.
Text me: Hope you’re back up and running soon. Enjoy the show tonight.
Text him: Thanks.
Was his behavior simply the byproduct of feeling under the weather, exhausted and overworked or did something literally just switch off in his brain over the course of a few days from extreme flirting and expressions of what a great time we had and were going to have to ehhh….I’m gonna pass. How is it possible to go from steaming hot to frigid cold over the course of three days when nothing happened between us?
As much as I know this time it had absolutely nothing to do with me, my words or actions, it still stings when someone can so quickly and easily change direction and burst your bubble without blinking an eye.
…to be continued
That’s right, no scathing commentary on how this holiday blows or makes us feel inadequate, lonely or frustrated. What can I say to that effect that hasn’t been said a thousand times already? Besides, I’m in a “whatever” place at the moment – meaning I really and genuinely don’t care. But in a healthy way.
The analogy I used was that I felt like the local pond is dry, no more fish to find. They’re all caught, dead or gay. It’s a small body of water relatively speaking, but I truly don’t feel the need to keep pushing and exposing myself to meet men that aren’t right for me. I haven’t given up, but I’m concentrating on big picture stuff and let the chips (or the men) fall where they may.
As hard as it was (and still is) to cut off personal relationships, I know I am better for it to not allow poisonous people to remain in my life. I’d rather be surrounded by a smaller group that gets me, loves me and genuinely cares about me. So no more sour grapes. That’s my 2012 resolution. Oh wait...wrong holiday!
So on this St. Valentines Day, I will do what I would do on any other random Tuesday and not spend a moment of time thinking about what I do not have. Maybe I’m evolving, maybe the blue S.A.D. lamp I bought is working, maybe I’m just in a hormonally serene place. Which brings me to something sorta funny and yet sad I witnessed on Facebook last night.
A man I dated a few times (who is my Facebook friend) had some strange posts on his wall that popped up in my status bar so I went to his page to take a look. Well, what do you know, it was a tirade from his girlfriend blasting him for cheating on her with another woman in of all places – Barnes & Noble. She had a running conversation explaining all the gruesome details of this tryst right on HIS page for all his friends, family, co-workers etc. to read. I actually felt bad for the guy and almost wanted to contact him since he obviously had not gotten wind of it or would have removed the posts immediately.
I decided to stay neutral and let nature run its course. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned as they say! Yet another example of how dating in the age of social media has its ups and downs as well as immediate gratification….and humiliation. The digital equivalent of spray painting “little prick” on the side of his car. (Fast Times reference for those movie savvy readers).
…And all right before Valentine’s Day. I imagine she will be spending Tuesday getting drunk or burying her face in a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Poor girl.
I have a date on Friday with someone who seems like a perfectly nice guy that I have zero sparks for at this point. Just to keep myself out there and in the game.
So wish those you love a Happy VD, and most of all – tell it to yourself. You deserve it!
This subject has been beat to death, so I won’t harp on why society finds it perfectly acceptable for men over a certain age to be seen as bachelors while the women are deemed multi-cat owning nut jobs who have a better chance of getting hit by lightning than getting married. I’m not going to sound angry or bitter….I’m just fascinated that’s all.
I remember when I first entered the world of on-line dating, my married friends all told me “pick a guy that is divorced, you’re much better off than with a guy who cant’t commit and just chasing skirts, looking to have fun.” Ewww no….I don’t want someone’s damaged goods! I want someone fresh and new to this world, ya know…..like me!
Ahhh, I was sooooo naive!
I don’t want to label, because of course everyone is different and has a different story and set of baggage, but in general, any time I’ve dated a never-married man over….oh I don’t know let’s say 35, it has become quite apparent rather quickly as to why he never married. It has nothing to do with looks, success, intelligence or charm and everything to do with them either not wanting to, or not being able to settle in or settle down. I should know, most of the men I had great dates with fit into this category after all. And even years later, most of them are still single.
Are they too picky? Are they sabotaging perfectly good relationships and discarding amazing women? Possibly. Holding out for that one person that has everything they always thought a woman should be, possess or say? …With huge breasts to boot! I haven’t used the term man-child in a while so I’ll throw that into the mix as a possible explanation. Are they looking for their mother or the antithesis of her? Hmmm….this is getting a bit Freudian for a humor blog.
Some of you older readers may recall Dr. McDreamy. The guy I went out with a few times and absolutely adored him. And wanted to rip his clothes off. And told him that in no uncertain terms. We had the date where he had tainted blood spit up all over him so he was late for our date, showed up in blood stained scrubs, showered at my house and then was so traumatized by the string of events he couldn’t enjoy himself. We kept in touch on and off for a few years, I think even sometime last year after I left NY, but nothing materialized. I would have happily had a meaningless sexual relationship with him. Or married him in a flash. Hey, I’m open-minded!
Lately I’ve been perusing the NY bachelors, in the event I return. I also feel as if I’ve tapped the Boston market dry and I’m pretty bored with the selection. The needle is buried so far in the haystack that you’d need Indiana Jones with a magnifying glass to find it. I happen to come across Dr. McDreamy. Same photos, same stats, same paragraph from a few years ago. It’s either working so well he doesn’t feel the need to update, or he’s just too lazy/busy to be bothered. So here’s a very handsome, charming, full head of hair, well-educated NY doctor over 40 who has been online as long, if not longer, than I have. You going to tell me there isn’t a piece missing to this puzzle?
He states he wants a relationship, marriage, kids etc. but maybe that’s just on paper. I somehow find it difficult to believe he couldn’t have his pick of the litter from women ranging in the low 20′s to high 40′s in New York City. That’s a pretty big dating pool. Of course I’m stereotyping and since I don’t know him very well he naturally seems like Prince Charming. Who knows, maybe he’s saying the same about me! If I’m lucky that is.
Meanwhile, Boston Magazine last month did a story on how singles are no longer ashamed of being so and in fact, happy to stay single by choice. Of course the article focused on women, but the point is that it’s now a big deal that no one openly uses the term Old Maid, and single women can now stay single as long as their male counterparts with less stigma. Three cheers for Gloria Steinham, Oprah and Jennifer Aniston, unite my unmarried sisters!
Not sure how much of that I truly believe, but women like myself have certainly chosen not to settle, not to grab any guy or the first that will marry them and to continue to search for an appropriate man that they love, cherish, admire and find compatible for the long run.
So why the hell are we still single?
I’m my own worst enemy, my own harshest critic and apparently a glutton for punishment. I write this post with some apprehension of the inevitable “I told you so’s.” But the purpose of this blog was not for validation but for me to vent and get my feelings, stories and emotions out. Good, bad, embarrassing or downright dreadful.
I saw Still Married Guy tonight.
I also started therapy.
Not necessarily related but two pivotal occurrences nonetheless.
Still Married Guy and I have been in and out of touch for months. He comes in my life. He disappears. He draws me in. He pushes me away. And from my perspective: I hate him, I ignore him, I’m mad at him, I forgive him, I walk away, I come back. And on and on in circles we go. I keep attributing it to some cosmic occurrence that we were meant to be in one another’s lives. But really we have some kind of connection that is not definable as a friendship or a relationship. It’s more like a fuckedupship. Neither of us can walk away. And yes, I know I’m still obsessed with him.
I’ve been out with numerous guys since him, so it’s not for lack of trying. But I can honestly say, as sad as it is, I can’t remember the last time I felt a connection with anyone this strong. The fact that its lead me to nothing but heartache…well….that’s the part that sucks. That’s the part I’m having a hard time dealing with.
He’s been through some very trying times as of late, with major family upsets and tragedies. I was aware of them but not called upon to be there for him. So I expressed my care and concern….from a distance. Because quite simply it was the right thing to do. Plus, I have a very difficult time staying mad at him as hard as I try.
So we decided to have dinner before we each left for respective holiday travels. I made sure I looked good. But not trying too hard. New bra and panties….just in case. I can’t help it, I’m attracted to him and was open to the possibilities of where the evening could take us.
Well, it took us to friendship land. The thing I’m trying to grasp and understand is why during the time we are together can I have such a great time…feel so connected…feel so relaxed and comfortable….have such a good time and a million things to talk about…..but then….
The evening ends and I feel empty, upset, lonely and sad.
I know 99% of people would say don’t see him anymore it’s too painful. But I can’t. Beneath all the feelings there is a genuine care and concern for one another. But I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I want him in my life but if he’s only a friend, well…it sucks and it hurts. I know rationally he can’t (or won’t) give me what I need and deserve. But my damn heart melts into a pile of mush when I’m with him. Fuuuuuuck!!! Meeeeeeee!!!!!!
I don’t think I will be able to get over him until I meet someone else I like as much. That’s just the cold hard truth of the matter. I want to hate him and be over him, but it’s just not happening, even with time. Fucker.
Ironically, I also saw Facebook Guy recently and am completely and totally over him. We had a great time, had fun, and it was like putting on an old comfy sweater. Which I needed. And the fact that I felt nothing more is what made me feel good at the end of the evening as opposed to like shit which I feel now after seeing Still Married Guy.
It’s interesting what happens when you date someone and it doesn’t work out but you remain friends. It’s such a unique dynamic and each relationship is so different and yet each so incomplete. I have all these male friends in my life that I care about and yet none of them are fulfilling in and of themselves. Once again the difference between women friends and male friends.
Of course it brings to mind When Harry Met Sally and the whole Men and Women Can Never Truly Be Friends philosophy. Which I’m still not sure which side of the fence I stand on. There’s only a chance when there is no possibility of sex or relationship. And that’s usually only going to happen once you’ve tried and failed at it. And the reasons for that failing aren’t really all that different once your friends. Sure, they try harder when they’re wooing you, or don’t burp or fart and they pick up the bill….but flaws are flaws – friend, lover or foe.
So how long will I torture myself with this? When will I get over him? When will I meet someone who will make me forget about him? Because I’m no longer thinking it’s ever happening for the two us. I just need my heart to accept it.
On an unrelated note….
I’m taking a girl’s tropical holiday that I hope will bring stories of love, lust, hooking up and age inappropriate partying. If not, at least some funny musings on the latest bunch of losers, trolls and undesirables in a new location. If I post at all why I’m away it will be short and via iPhone or Twitter. Make sure to follow me @datehater.
Happy holidays and good tidings to all!!