When I say psychos, criminals and pervs are the only ones who contact me online…
I’m not kidding!
I always thought wanting it all and having it all were simply by-products of hard work and determination. What scares me is, now after all these years of life, I’m really wondering if that entire concept actually exists. Or if it is supposed to be a concept we use as a tool to constantly strive for something. Something more…or something else.
For pretty much the entirety of my adult life, I have found myself seeking and searching for something I don’t have and yet still want. I think Carrie Bradshaw once remarked about how New Yorkers are always looking for a job or an apartment….or a man. And if she didn’t say that, then perhaps it was me – because it has truly been the story of my life. One out of three. Two out of three. Two and a half…..no wait, I hate that fucking job, we’re back to two. What do you mean you think I’m great but you don’t want to be in a relationship asshole? Whoops…..back to one! Is it me who can’t seem to have it all or does everyone go through this? Or do most normal people not torture themselves with this and just have lower expectations? Am I tortured by my own hopes and dreams? Quite possibly yes.
So I’m in the back seat of a cab, making the long trip home after an exhausting day at work, looking out the window, at all the sights and lights of the city – feeling like I should feel happy and grateful and yet I find myself feeling worried, anxious, stressed, tired and wondering if I can have my cake and eat it too. Can I and will I ever have the career, the man, the relationship, the security, stability and the “things” be it material or emotional, that I’ve always longed for? I yearn for balance of work and personal life but I seem to merely swing like a pendulum back from one extreme to the other.
Work= stress=money=no life/no time.
No work=free time=stress=no money=feelings of inadequacy.
Fuck me! I swear the people I watch on tv seem to have it all, why can’t I?!
Some days I enjoy the hopeful prospect of meeting new people in the search for the man…well the man I’ve been searching for. Other days I’m just so spent I wish I could simply come home to someone to cook me dinner and rub my feet. Instead I have to figure out how I’m going to look fresh and act enthused about a first date I don’t want to be on with someone who doesn’t know a thing about me. I work all day and then have to put on my Meryl Streep to appear all breezy, fun and just so full of enthusiasm with someone who’s life story I’ll be subjected to over the course of a glass of wine and nachos.
I’m not sure if I’m feeling down per se, or simply reflective. Maybe I’m just too complex to be happy. Maybe I need better meds. Maybe I need to start drinking. Maybe I need to start studying eastern philosophy. I worry too much, I think too much, I care too much and I put too much pressure on myself. These qualities are reflected in every pore of my being at work and in my personal life. I am truly my own worst enemy.
I know I’m lucky in many ways, but that doesn’t ease the stress. Does writing help? Sure. And I don’t have time for real therapy anyhow. Will tomorrow be a better day? Who knows. All I know is I’ll feel better about it all for about 10 minutes when I get home and open up the box of new boots I ordered online.
When we left things last, our Mail Order Bride had committed the dating sin of sleeping with our friend Steve whom she designated as marriage material even before meeting. He reached out to her post-coitus, but hadn’t heard any response and was left wondering what he had done wrong.
Three or four days passed, and then The Bride finally made contact with no explanation or excuse other than her hectic schedule. Both Steve and I agree it had more to do with her weighing her options and deciding if he was still husband worthy.
The conversation once again came around to her wants and needs and how she is basically on the fast track to wife and mommy-dom. Steve, never married and man-childish in nearly every way, explained how he is not opposed, but needs to get to know someone before choosing linens and a tasteful china pattern.
“I’m not interested in dating. I work a lot and have very little time. Plus I’m 36, I’m looking to get married.”
But don’t you need to date before you get married??
Now I don’t know how she managed to keep him on the line after this bold statement, but for some reason this got him thinking whether or not he should actually consider dating this girl and whether fate has delivered him an opportunity that he shouldn’t ignore. Maybe he is ready and maybe he needs this push? Personally, as much as I respect her candor and drive, I cannot believe the craziness/audacity to make a proclamation like this after going on one date with someone. Isn’t this red flag 101?? Who does this?!! She is simply looking for a warm body…..with sperm…..and a job.
He decided he would give it another shot and see her again on a day date over the weekend where he would make the one hour drive down to see her this time. Somehow she let it be known she was anticipating sex again with him, regardless of the afternoon plans.
Dude, you better fucking wear a rubber this time because this girl is openly looking for a husband! Don’t you think her getting accidentally pregnant would perfectly seal the deal?! Don’t be an idiot, as a matter of fact, if you don’t know if you want to go down this slippery slope with her, don’t sleep with her at all!! And don’t tell me you don’t want to offend her by not having sex! I think she’ll be more upset if you sleep with her and then break it off…cause let me tell you something my friend…..you fuck her = you are her boyfriend…..that she’s planning on marrying very very soon!
To be continued…
I’m my own worst enemy, my own harshest critic and apparently a glutton for punishment. I write this post with some apprehension of the inevitable “I told you so’s.” But the purpose of this blog was not for validation but for me to vent and get my feelings, stories and emotions out. Good, bad, embarrassing or downright dreadful.
I saw Still Married Guy tonight.
I also started therapy.
Not necessarily related but two pivotal occurrences nonetheless.
Still Married Guy and I have been in and out of touch for months. He comes in my life. He disappears. He draws me in. He pushes me away. And from my perspective: I hate him, I ignore him, I’m mad at him, I forgive him, I walk away, I come back. And on and on in circles we go. I keep attributing it to some cosmic occurrence that we were meant to be in one another’s lives. But really we have some kind of connection that is not definable as a friendship or a relationship. It’s more like a fuckedupship. Neither of us can walk away. And yes, I know I’m still obsessed with him.
I’ve been out with numerous guys since him, so it’s not for lack of trying. But I can honestly say, as sad as it is, I can’t remember the last time I felt a connection with anyone this strong. The fact that its lead me to nothing but heartache…well….that’s the part that sucks. That’s the part I’m having a hard time dealing with.
He’s been through some very trying times as of late, with major family upsets and tragedies. I was aware of them but not called upon to be there for him. So I expressed my care and concern….from a distance. Because quite simply it was the right thing to do. Plus, I have a very difficult time staying mad at him as hard as I try.
So we decided to have dinner before we each left for respective holiday travels. I made sure I looked good. But not trying too hard. New bra and panties….just in case. I can’t help it, I’m attracted to him and was open to the possibilities of where the evening could take us.
Well, it took us to friendship land. The thing I’m trying to grasp and understand is why during the time we are together can I have such a great time…feel so connected…feel so relaxed and comfortable….have such a good time and a million things to talk about…..but then….
The evening ends and I feel empty, upset, lonely and sad.
I know 99% of people would say don’t see him anymore it’s too painful. But I can’t. Beneath all the feelings there is a genuine care and concern for one another. But I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I want him in my life but if he’s only a friend, well…it sucks and it hurts. I know rationally he can’t (or won’t) give me what I need and deserve. But my damn heart melts into a pile of mush when I’m with him. Fuuuuuuck!!! Meeeeeeee!!!!!!
I don’t think I will be able to get over him until I meet someone else I like as much. That’s just the cold hard truth of the matter. I want to hate him and be over him, but it’s just not happening, even with time. Fucker.
Ironically, I also saw Facebook Guy recently and am completely and totally over him. We had a great time, had fun, and it was like putting on an old comfy sweater. Which I needed. And the fact that I felt nothing more is what made me feel good at the end of the evening as opposed to like shit which I feel now after seeing Still Married Guy.
It’s interesting what happens when you date someone and it doesn’t work out but you remain friends. It’s such a unique dynamic and each relationship is so different and yet each so incomplete. I have all these male friends in my life that I care about and yet none of them are fulfilling in and of themselves. Once again the difference between women friends and male friends.
Of course it brings to mind When Harry Met Sally and the whole Men and Women Can Never Truly Be Friends philosophy. Which I’m still not sure which side of the fence I stand on. There’s only a chance when there is no possibility of sex or relationship. And that’s usually only going to happen once you’ve tried and failed at it. And the reasons for that failing aren’t really all that different once your friends. Sure, they try harder when they’re wooing you, or don’t burp or fart and they pick up the bill….but flaws are flaws – friend, lover or foe.
So how long will I torture myself with this? When will I get over him? When will I meet someone who will make me forget about him? Because I’m no longer thinking it’s ever happening for the two us. I just need my heart to accept it.
On an unrelated note….
I’m taking a girl’s tropical holiday that I hope will bring stories of love, lust, hooking up and age inappropriate partying. If not, at least some funny musings on the latest bunch of losers, trolls and undesirables in a new location. If I post at all why I’m away it will be short and via iPhone or Twitter. Make sure to follow me @datehater.
Happy holidays and good tidings to all!!