Tag Archives: horny

My Virtual Boyfriend – Part 1

Sad to admit this was the last encounter I had dating, and to be honest, it sorta sucked the wind out of me and left me with no idea how to relay the story.

A guy online contacted me and when I reviewed his profile I thought, “oh this is good. But…” It was well written, said all the things I wanted to hear and more importantly, had no red flags or deal breakers. but he wasn’t my type. I just didn’t know if I could picture myself with him. There wasn’t anything wrong with him, his features were nice….but I wasn’t drawn to him or picking up a vibe that we’d connect. I decided I would go outside my comfort zone and at least see if he had any personality, anything about him that intrigued me. Nothing ventured, nothing gained right?

The next few days were exciting and fun, filled with emails, calls and texts from him…as we got to know one another and some of the crazy coincidences we had in common. We grew up about 30 miles from one another. We went to the same college and lived in the same dorm (he being older than me, we never overlapped), we both studied abroad our junior year, in the same European city. Both have moved around and had careers combined of freelance and full-time positions and lived in several cities. Both nomadic, sarcastic, sharp but emotional and sensitive. And then I found out he lived in my same building in New York City. Ten years prior. That’s just crazy, of all the places in New York he lived in my exact building? Beyond coincidence, this was kismet.

So what’s the catch? Yeah, of course there’s one…. He doesn’t live in New York currently. He’s down south and thinking about possibly returning, but meanwhile has family matters to attend to. “Why did you list you lived in NY?” “Oh, that’s the type of woman I want to meet. And who knows, maybe I’ll return.” After extensive conversations of me explaining that by no means was I looking for a long distance relationship or a pen pal he seemed to agree he wasn’t either. How he’s ready to settle in and settle down and wants to share his life with a great woman.

The talks were then followed up by others just as intimate, personal, compelling and revealing. Every day, hours a day for nearly three weeks. This went on for weeks, the daily calls, emails and texts. And then things got REALLY complicated. There is that new stage a/k/a honeymoon phase when you first meet someone and they want to make the best possible impression so they tell you only the good stuff….and of course that’s all you hear anyhow even if there are some red flags peppered into passing conversation. So I’m thinking a month passed before I got the truth out of him. And it was a doozey. Even for me.

He had lived in NY amongst a few other cities, but circumstances now had him living with his 85-year-old mother –in Florida. So not only was he not living in NYC, the likelihood of him coming back to NY was slim. By this time we had spent countless hours speaking, confiding and sharing with one another – clearly on a friendship level….well, at least for me. You see he thought he was my boyfriend. He even referred to me as his girlfriend on the phone on more than one occasion. You mean your virtual girlfriend??

So where does this get even stranger?…..He had no money (pretty much a given with the men I meet) and couldn’t afford to “fly up and take me out the way I deserved.” So instead, he just never came at all. I think he actually enjoyed the no strings dynamic of a phone girl friend while I had bigger fish to fry as my life was coming apart at the seems and I prepared myself for another potential upheaval and career change. What did I get out of it you ask? A confidant and friend who lent an ear and who I reciprocated tenfold. A friend….with sexual overtones….but no actual sex. Phone sex is fun for about ten minutes and then I put the kaibosh on that shit.

This continued for about 3 months with his calls only amping in frequency and intensity. Then I planned a trip down to Florida for something else and decided we should meet up.

We did… 

Hunker Down

Well I made it here in one piece.

Here I am, back in the Big Apple to resume chapter 643 of my life. So far so good, albeit it’s been a whirlwind with moving, new job, unpacking, head cold etc, etc. Oh and did I mention Hurricane Sandy?

Just now getting things sorted out and trying to ease myself back into the dating scene. So far I gotta say, it’s a bit grim. All the women over 25 in my office are married and the men are gay. Pretty standard protocol. So I started snooping around online and somebody must have posted my profile on seniorcitysingles.com because the only men writing me are over 50. Well over it.

I’m optimistic simply because I have to be, but also I’m in a new neighborhood, a new job and surrounded by friends so already I feel good. Then the storm hit. I’m locked away indoors for less than 24 hours and my ass hurts from too  much couch and tv time. I showered this morning and I’m pretty sure I won’t be getting dressed until the subways open and I’m forced to go back to work. I’m enjoying my nesting time as long as I have power, tv, cold beverages and the internet. I’m all good, with the exception of this awful sugar crash I’m having from breaking into the Halloween candy and Armageddon food I’ve been wolfing down.

I received what one would think was an enticing email saying “Hello, My name is Francois and I am a French surgeon….” I knew before even opening that sucker it was bad news. Call me psychic, call me jaded, call me an experienced dater. That was a red herring. Hours later, and in no rush to read this or any of the other wretched messages, I eventually went online to see what was happening. Then it hit me……this is like a bar at closing time. Everyone lurking around, looking around, possibly seeking someone to share the end of days or at least the next few hurricane rain days with. Holy crap, I just stumbled on a dating gold mine! Nobody is working and we’re all bored, horny and trapped indoors!

Sent out a few emails and heard back right away from someone else who was surely in the same mindset as I. We chatted briefly and then when we discovered we don’t live too far from one another he asked if I wanted to hang out tomorrow afternoon during the storm. In theory this sounds fun and eventful, but I gotta say, this hurricane is pretty much ensuring I will not be moving much off my couch unless it’s to the kitchen to make more ice and grab another diet coke or Twizzlers. If I lose power, I immediately switch to wine and goldfish crackers. Advance planning is imperative here.

So Hurricane Man is a cutie  but I’m going to insist we meet when no lives are at risk and I come down off this sugar high.