Tag Archives: manchild

My Virtual Boyfriend – Part 2

Unknown-1The plans went back and forth for weeks with him changing his mind and not being able to commit to a meeting location or city. Do we meet up by him? A few hours south, down by where I was staying? Or someplace neutral like Miami where we could go on a fun date of sorts. He seemed flustered and unable to make a decision and I was trying to set him at ease, so we decided to wait until I arrived.

By the time I got to Florida and we were in the process of coordinating when he could leave his mom unattended, we had arranged to meet up in the afternoon for lunch and he made a hotel reservation nearby for two nights. We had  it all planned out. We would meet for lunch, he then had a job interview or meeting or something he would attend, and then we would meet up again for dinner. Regardless of how it went I would NOT be staying at the hotel and he wanted to have a traditional first date, regardless of our untraditional situation. Next day he would pick me up, we’d spend the day together and if things meshed, maybe I’d stay at the hotel on night two. No pressure, no expectations….in theory anyhow.

Somehow this turned into us meeting at Starbucks for a coffee and from the get-go I knew he was nervous. I wasn’t attracted to him per se, but since we had gotten to know one another on a much deeper level, I didn’t pass judgement and treated it like we were old friends, open to whatever may or may not happen. We had a nice lunch and gave me a gift bag with two cards. One was a sweet friendship card about how often he thinks about me and the other a thoughtful birthday card. At least one of them mentioned the phrase girlfriend inside. When he handed me the bag he said “Happy Belated Birthday” and I was touched by his thoughtfulness.

I opened it up and started pulling out the wads of tissue paper stuffed inside. I reached in to find a chocolate Toblerone candy bar. One of my favorites that I had mentioned in a previous conversation. Oh I wonder if he is giving me all of my favorite things or something sweet like that! I now excitedly dipped back in for what other surprises awaited me, grabbing more and more tissue each time. “Oh, that’s it. There’s nothing else in there,” he replied in a matter of fact fashion.” “Oh thank you that was very sweet” I said on the outside while my inner voice just wondered, did you just give me a big gift bag filled with tissue….and a candy bar for my birthday? Way to build up expectations dude!

Lunch was pleasant and we sat for a few hours before he needed to head off for his meeting. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to kiss him or how I felt, but I figured things would be more casual over dinner after a cocktail or two and we would both let our guard down. We hugged goodbye and said we’d talk in a few hours about the evening schedule.

About two hours passed and he phoned me from his cell, immediately sounding fidgety and uneasy. “Uhhhh listen….I need to be honest with you….I had a great time, but I just didn’t feel butterflies. I didn’t want there to be any pressure so I uhhhh…..gave up the hotel…..and I’m going home instead.”

So you mean to tell me you are in the car now driving home and didn’t even feel comfortable enough to stay and hang out or have dinner?

“Uhhhh…..I just felt like I was having lunch with my best friend and not someone I wanted to fuck.”

Let me tell you, when someone says that to you, you are no longer obligated to use any filter whatsoever so I told him exactly what I was thinking as well. That I didn’t know how I felt or if he was my type but after investing 3+ months of intense conversation EVERY SINGLE DAY, I thought it was worth t least having dinner before coming to any conclusions. Thing is….I was a little relieved (albeit annoyed and slightly insulted) and he actually thought I was saying all that to cut him slack and make him feel better. Unfucking real, men and their egos.

So here’s where the bizarre quota goes up again, let me give you the basic stats at this point.

1. He gave me cards and referred to me repeatedly as his girlfriend

2. We never so much as even kissed or had any sexual relationship

3. After “courting” for 3 months when we were finally going to spend some time together, he bolted after lunch and went home…to his mom

4. He told me he did NOT in fact want to fuck me (but to not take it personally of course or think it had any impact on my  overall fuckability)

5. He followed up by continuing to call me numerous times a day, texting etc…..like none of the above had happened

6. He became hostile and jealous at the mere mention of other men, me going out with any male friends or the mere mention of any of my exes

7. He mentioned how disappointed he was that I never referred to him as baby or sweetie (post “fuck” comment mind you)

Ugh, you know, this is merely scratching the surface of the shenanigans that went on with him for 4 months including when I returned to NY. Call it head games, nonsense, man-child jealous hijinks, I really want no part of it.

Here’s the crazy part, I wound up deciding to move back to Florida and we WOULD have been able to carry on a relationship. About 3 weeks before I was set to move he suddenly stopped all communication. Cold in his tracks, never to be heard from again.

I suppose the thought of a real girlfriend isn’t nearly as easy or comfortable as having a virtual one.

How to Spot a Douchebag

This one is actually not a challenge at all . As much as I respect someone who fully represents who they are, I wonder if this person has gone back and read what he wrote as his list of requirements….and realizes what a jackass he truly is.

I have been accused of being shallow but I assure you I am not. I know what I want and I don’t want to waste both our time if we are not a good fit. I respect the wishes of women on here by not emailing them if I am outside of their requirements (I know I am not 6ft tall so I will never email you if thats what you specify). Please respect mine:

1. You consider yourself a step above the rest with respect to taste in clothes, food and furniture even if you can’t afford what you like.

2. You are very into fashion and that’s international fashion, not New England fashion.

3. You have a collection of heels.

4. You do not wear sneakers with jeans and do not date the sneakers and Levi 501 type of guy. Sneakers are meant for the gym and 501 Levi’s are meant to be in the museum!

5. You are very comfortable wearing tight fitting skirts above the knee.

6. You believe showing a bit if cleavage is sexy. (I’m beginning to think that this may be banned in New England).

7. You know who Thierry Mugler is.

8. You have or want to travel.

9. You have no sports team clothing you wear casually.

10. Body type is not important but a sexy walk with attitude is. I love the type who believe they are sexy!

11. Your hair styles are modern and fashionable and you probably have a gay and very cool and trendy hair stylist.

12. You would not have an issue with eating seaweed chocolates.

HOT off the press

I would have included this in my previous post, however, it just came in. From a very attractive, very young (early-mid 20’s) man. So it’s pretty clear, if I’d like to have sex  with a different young man every night….it’s pretty much up for the taking. I’m sure you men are jealous and thinking “why the hell not!” Ughhh….

Am I  the only normal person online looking for a relationship?….Don’t answer that. Just read…

Hi there. I am looking for something very different and thought you might be interested. I am looking to put on a show for a woman who is nice looking and classy. Basically I will be nude and get off in front of you with in a kinky way. You can sit back, relax, and enjoy. More and less can happen depending on the situation. I am a very nice and respectful guy and do not do this often at all. I am actually leaving work soon and wont be online at all but would love to talk. Maybe email me if you would like to?

I can also explain to you why I decided to message you specifically.

 

Dutch Boy

I’m always fascinated by the ever popular dating topic of who pays and when.

I’ve never really thought of it as being a big deal until I started hearing repeated stories from male friends about women calling it quits early on due to the way a man handles or deflects the bill when presented. It’s amazing how a perfectly wonderful evening can come to a screeching halt when the check comes and no one reaches for it, or the woman reaches….and the man says “cool, thanks!”

Just last week I had lunch with a male friend of mine and when I enquired about his love life he told me about a woman he had been on a few dates with.

“Everything was going great, we went out a few times, great girl, very attractive, lots in common and then…nothing. I texted her about a follow up date and she ignored me. I couldn’t possiby understand what went wrong and how she could have lost interest so quickly. Turns out, she admitted when she took out her credit card to pay for the chinese food and I let her pay she was completely annoyed and offended and said I wasn’t the kind of man she was looking for. Meanwhile, I just didn’t want to offend her by insisting on paying. I know women will get insulted if you don’t let them pay when they offer.”

Okay, first off….women will NOT get insulted if you do not let them pay! They will however hold it against you if you do them pay. Let’s just call a spade a spade here. Women offer to pay but as modern or progressive as they may be, they actually have no intention or desire to pick up the bill. Not in the early stages of dating which is say, dates 1-4 or 5. He had no clue. Or chose not to.

What I’ve learned is this. Do not offer to pay unless you are fully prepared and willing to. You can’t offer and then hold it against him. You can, however, make a decision as to whether you’d like to continue seeing them based on such behavior.

Which brings me to my date with Dutch Boy.

So many things that went sour in my brain and indicated his utter cheapness but it capped off with me asking him if he was hungry since it was 7 pm and he says “Not really, I don’t really eat much. Food isn’t important and I don’t have much of an appetite.” First date, I let the food component slide, but this was date two…it’s 7 pm, I’d like to eat. I was hungry so we agreed on the local place I take many of my dates to. We coincidentally sat in the same table where Hearts and Flowers Guy and I sat.

We each ordered a beer and some hummus sampler (I ate most of which). Conversation was fine and perfectly enjoyable but I was starting to feel the romantic connection slipping away. The bill came as I was getting up to go to the bathroom. When I returned, the bill was STILL sitting there with no form of payment on it. I knew exactly what that meant as it was clearly intentional. He THEN reached for his wallet and so I merely glanced at the check when he uttered “$20 from each of us should be good.”

 
Actually my friend……that would be the OPPOSITE of good, but I’m glad you are showing who you are and your preferred and chosen lifestyle to me now because I just lost my lady-wood in a big way. I was so turned off it amazes me how dumb a guy can be for $20. I mean, let’s just say there was a chance of him getting laid…..well, there was NONE after that outburst. Schmuck. Nothing went wrong on the date, it wasn’t malicious, just his choice. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure he was into me.
It was raining and early and I was bored and awake, so we came back to my apt to watch tv and hang out and perhaps make out a little. I’ve never been so cognizant and lucid of what was and wasn’t going to happen. Nice guy, means well, totally clueless as to how offensive and stupid that little move of his was. Normally in a situation like that since he doesn’t live in the city, I’d likely let him sleep over even if we weren’t going to have sex. But Dutch Boy was getting none of my hospitality at this point. Was able to seal the deal when he opened up and told me he keeps women’s underwear as souvenirs. You mean like the way serial killers do?
 
I think you’d better go grab that bus back to Jersey.

The Date Who Came to Dinner…and Wouldn’t Go the Fuck Home

Welcome back dear long time readers and new followers!

It’s been a while since I’ve posted for numeros reasons. Personal shit that has taken precedence over this and then couple it with the fact I haven’t been on a date in a few months. And it was a doozy…

I’m somewhat inspired to finally write again as the date was too good not to share (and when I say good I of course mean awful) and I’m going on a new date tonight with someone I’m looking forward to. He seems cute, funny, nice and normal….but then again most of them do before you meet them. Unfortunately, there is a wicked heat wave and I’m exhausted with no motivation to even think about prepping for what sloppy mess is going to be presented to this guy. Good think I keep Red Bull on hand in the fridge.

But the good stuff….

So the last date/s I had were a few months ago with a real blue ribbon prize winner. If I wasn’t delirious from the heat I would have written this in story form but I figured a bulleted listing of some red flags will suffice for now. We went out a few times, the last of which I made him dinner at my place on a Saturday evening…only to have him squat at my apartment until Sunday at 6pm. Oh and when I say squat I mean asleep…in my bed…and refusing to get up and or leave. While I did this and that around him in the other room.

You’re probably thinking, “Are you stupid, why didn’t you wake his ass up and kick him out?!” At the time I don’t think I realized how rude I would find it not to mention how I would grow to despise him by nightfall. It all crystallized however, when he said to me (upon waking up) “You know, if we start dating – I’ll sleep here during the week and you’ll come out to my place on weekends. I’ll sleep all day while you go to work.”

Ladies……THIS is what’s out there, I kid you not! For those wondering, he “works for himself” and yes it’s in quotes for a reason.

I like to think of the things that we store in the back of our brains to use at a later time as pink flags.Not quite deal-breakers on their own, but when combined or viewed in hindsight – shine like beacons in the night to wake you up from your sex coma and make you realize what a loser you have on your hands.

Pink flag statements:

- Why would I ask about your family? I don’t care about your family, I’m not dating them

- I hate my dad, I’ve thought about killing him for the money

- It tuns me on to see how many people have visited my profile, let’s go online to my page and look. Do you want to see who is writing me and sending me dirty pictures?

- If we date, I would come over and sleep during the day while you work  (good enough to mention twice)

- I don’t ever watch the news…or read the newspaper it doesn’t impact me

Oh for those playing the home game…..I just realized THIS is Mr. Hearts and Flowers. Figures!

It’s Not me….It’s You

 

 

 

More stories coming soon….hold your horses will ya
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I Just Threw Up a Little

0104stiflerI get allllll kinds of creeps and pervs interested in me. Some of them send nice notes. Others think that we were destined to be together, if I would only realize it.  Sometimes I read the messages, sometimes I’ll even check out their profile and I’m almost never shocked or surprised. Hell, occasionally I’m even flattered.

Until today….

you look absolutely amazing, i know you prob thinking oh this guy is too young, but i was wondering how it would be to spend some time with a person like you :O

I get messages like this fairly regularly and the men are normally in their mid to late 20’s, which is bad enough. So I clicked on his profile…

He’s 19!

An no, it wasn’t Justin Bieber.

A shiver went down my spine as a wave of nausea filled my gut. Did this kid’s mother not give him enough love or what?!

Gross.

No Action Here Folks….Keep Moving

Damn….I’m an awful blogger. I can barely recall the last time I posted and yet each day I’m so excited to see my new Twitter followers – surely anxiously awaiting my next entry of snarky and amusing dating anecdotes.

Or not.

Dating has been slow. While work has been fast – and exhausting. No excuse, or should I say, more like an excuse a man would give. “I really dig you baby but I’m too busy with my career to be in a relationship.” All a load of crap I know. So I continue to hang out on occasion with Clark Kent. Nice guy but I can confirm without hesitation that I do NOT want to be his girlfriend or in a relationship with him. He’s a nice enough guy – end of story – end of the emotional trail. I’m still looking and have continued to meet a gaggle of fabulously stylish gay men. And although I continue to troll online, have had quite disappointing results and interactions.

I continue to try but often wonder when I’ll find real love again. The good news is that I know who I am, what I want, need and expect from a man and a partner. I see my parents, married for almost 50 years, truly one another’s best friend – then I see my contemporaries who are in one stage or another of divorce when they realize in hindsight that they never really should have married that person….but it was the right time or the thing to do. In the end, that’s just not enough. Not enough for me anyhow. Doesn’t everyone deserve to be happy?

I think so….

Why You Don’t Shit Where You Eat….and other important life lessons

Was on the train early the other morning in my usual half daze. Somehow managed to squeeze myself into a seat and started to slowly enjoy my steaming hot Starbucks Venti. Most mornings I’m so engaged in my morning ritual of AM NY or Metro, the free newspapers given out by homeless men which satisfy my need for a. a small paper to hold while balancing my purse, coffee and whatever crap I’m dragging into the office b. a quick read of the hot news topics and c. my daily horoscope – but today the near comatose speed baristas killed a solid 10 minutes to make my damn coffee so I had to wiz by the paper boys, only to have to stare at fellow passengers and the Dr. Zizmore skin or teeth ads on the train (I’ve been looking at his ads for years and still not sure exactly what it is he treats).

Two stops in, and a well dressed guy gets on the train or at least moves in front of me…directly in front of me but with his back facing me. I see a portion of his face and I think….shit…..I’m pretty sure….it’s Hurricane Man. Only his hair is grown in (he had randomly shaved a really luxurious head of hair for absolutely no reason). I feel my palms began to sweat and a flush comes over me. I’m patting down my forehead in a panic…..do I say hello? Randomly look off into empty space or try to find an old Con Ed bill in my bag I can fully engross myself into and look engaged for the remainder of this twenty-five minute ride downtown??

Shit, but what if it’s NOT him?! How dumb do I feel then?! But I also don’t want to give him satisfaction of him thinking I’m avoiding him….what to do….what to do…what to….ooops……he got off at 42nd Street. I know he works downtown but maybe he switches trains there…..or…..he saw me and figured he was getting off that train regardless of where it stopped next. Who knows.

I had to confront him….in the most non-confrontational way of course. I sent him an email simply asking him if he was wearing green cords today? As awful as it sounds, this guy (whomever he is) was actually quite dapper and well put together – in spite of or because of the green cords with the snazzy blazer and debonair scarf and stylish carry/bag. And no, I don’t think he was gay….but nothing surprises me – so who knows.

He responds…“No why” and then we went back and forth and I told him which train I saw the guy from afar (lie) on and he responded “I was on that train this morning” to which I replied “that’s why I think it was you.” This went back and forth a few times to the point where he actually seemed unsure if this was in fact him when I finally answered “wouldn’t you know if you were wearing green cords?!”

“How are you? How you been?” and a bunch of other bullshit questions trying to be polite ensued and then I eventually stopped writing. He clearly has or had limited interest in me but the last thing I need is to have someone in Manhattan (no less my neighborhood AND work neighborhood) that I’m trying to avoid.

Because in all my years living here I can say without question……if you try to avoid someone in this city of 8 million….you will without question bump into them.

Dating a guy in your neighborhood has its definite drawbacks.

Clark Kent

Hurricane Man is out like his predecessor Sandy. Although I have a strong feeling I’ll hear from him again at some point telling me how busy he’s been…bla bla…bla…bla…blaaaa……I’m bored. If I can’t even rely on you as a booty call, what good are you?clark kent is superman

So I went on a date last week with a guy I’m intrigued by, yet on the fence about. On paper we have a lot in common. On paper he’s a great catch. But there’s an “X” factor…something wrong or missing (I’m assuming) that I can’t quite put my finger on…yet.

Handsome, clean cut, seems relatively successful, intelligent, well-traveled and educated forty something…..Never married…no kids…uh oh….watch for falling shoes…to drop.I’m getting a Clark Kent vibe from him.

He’s a little nerdy for lack of a better word. He has no game, and I’m always on the fence deciding if that’s a good or bad thing. Of course I don’t want a player, but a man who knows how to date, how to treat a woman, how to PLAN a date. I’m not looking for chivalry (God forbid) but just some old-fashioned pleasantries to take the sting out of the wretchedness of dating.

Doesn’t drink, or smoke or do drugs. No tattoos, no notable vices. Sounds like a snoozer I know. But to offset this, he is incredibly well travelled….a HUGE plus in my book. Very adventurous and has family in corners of the globe and apparently the will and desire to take off at a moment’s notice. So I wonder, has he never married because of this whole vagabond/citizen of the world crap? Is that why I’ve never married? Or…is he just a closet deviant with female body parts in jars and bags under his bed?  It’s a 50/50 shot at this point.

I always seem to be drawn to a specific type of personality. Charming, smooth, sarcastic, funny…..and ultimately….kinda douchey when they’re not being charming. Always a yin for the yang. This guy, although well spoken, has a sort of awkward quality to him. I’m just not sure if that will irk or entice me. Something about him reminds me of the Brainiac Cowboy, but cuter….and hopefully dresses better. Not really my type, but a possible option and contender. The first kiss will be critical.

So besides him falling asleep during our conversation (eyes closing, me catching him before the full nod-off) he was a perfect gentleman on our first meeting. Note that once I confronted him “Uhhhh are you sleeping?!” he ran to the counter and purchased a triple shot espresso beverage and then explained how he was coming off three hours of sleep the night before.

It’s one of those wait and see scenarios, I’m being open-minded and I really need to go out again before forming an opinion. But here’s the kicker…Clark Kent appears to be a closet perv. He hasn’t said anything inappropriate but he’s definitely putting his feelers out there. Him texting me at 11 pm asking me if I’d like him to come over was the first indicator. Subsequent messages packed with sexual overtones and double entendres sealed the deal. Apparently I send out a sex goddess vibe I’m completely unaware of! Of course I find that intriguing as hell. Wolf in sheep’s clothing and all that jazz. Let’s just hope it’s not of the Ted Bundy/Craigslist Killer variety.

Things to be cautious of…him noting that he isn’t looking for a relationship per se, but if it happens that’s great. I fucking hate when they say that because it’s really bullshit. It’s simply code for “I want to hook up with no strings….unless I decide I’d like to pursue you….so don’t hold me to it.” Second clue…his profile says he’s looking for “friends and activity partners.” WTF?

Jeeeeez Louise!!! Doesn’t anyone older than 25 and younger than 65 want to be in a relationship?!

With me anyhow???