Tag Archives: married

The Mysterious Case of the Two Widowers

Not long ago I discovered a profile online that, quite frankly, seemed too good to be true. Alas, the optimistic romantic in me had no reason to not believe what he said. Late 40’s, handsome widower, professional, no kids etc etc. He wrote about his quest to find love again, how his wife died x number of years ago and he wants to spoil a woman with love, tenderness and affection. Treat her right and show her how gentlemen still exist and chivalry is far from dead. Nothing suspicious about the profile, it was just a bit gushy and over the top for my taste. I chalked it up to the guy being so heartbroken about losing his wife and being new to the dating game.

He writes me and immediately tells me we should text – better than emailing on Match. When he gives me his number it’s from the LA area. Hmmm….”do you live in NY or Cali?” I ask. He gave some long-winded explanation that boiled down to him just moving from LA to NY two weeks ago. Here are some outtakes of the text conversations. They progressively got stranger and his English got progressively worse – neither are good signs.

Him: “I don’t know much around. but it’s quite an interesting place…hope I can find the right woman.

You are quite interesting….have you found a match that suits you online?

You have such a kind and beautiful heart…it will be a dream come true

I’m not a cynical New Yorker, I will use that to my advantage but also take it through your heart and mind….what do you think?

You don’t have to underestimate the power of love…it’s beyond our definition….maybe if we give it a shot 

Are you scared of falling in love? I will look at my time schedule then think of a plan out….how was your day?

Believe me it’s worth it all but I won’t disappoint you…you can take a risk 

Don’t you think love itself is about risk?”

I’ve omitted my part of the conversation because, does it really matter?  WTF kinds of responses are these? Who speaks like this? And his remarks were not even related to what I was talking about. Surely the sign of someone whose native language is other than English. These responses were also over the course of several days that never led to him actually asking me out. I lost interest and became creeped out with the last comment about love and risk taking.

That was that and I moved on. No more than a day or two later I received another email from another late 40’s, professional, handsome widower also pouring his heart out. Only he emailed me this bizarre form letter and also gave me an email saying we should communicate off of match.com.

Good Morning Pretty,

How are you doing? I can’t help but say you are beautiful. I have wondered for years without a possible cure to my heart aches and emotional pains, until stumbled on your enchanting and very exquisite profile, I dream of love, love that inspires, love that makes you feel passion and desire, love that makes you feel complete. I have so much love, tenderness, warmth inside of me and I want to give this to some one special like you. I have viewed your profile and you seem like someone who has a lot of the same interests as I do. I have a daughter called Anna she is very close to me. and it has been very hard to find someone that sparks my interest. I feel that life is too short to be lonely and I would love to find someone caring and respectful to spend some time with. I just join this site to find someone who I will love and care for. I also don’t like drama or complications. I desire to find a woman who is respectful, sincere above all most be honest and it would be nice to find a friend to laugh with, dine with and someone who shares the same interests as I do. I’m easy to get along with, pleasant personality and I consider myself a good man.

I am currently online now and I will really want us to talk. You can reply me to my personal email address mp.robertxxx@xx.xom, or add me to your personal email address so we can get to know each other better. your mail will put a smile on my face……

You can text me ..(315) xxx-xxxx

 Rob…

Hmmm….two widowers, both with the same stats, very handsome, both want to chat offline, both with out of area phone numbers, both over the top ridiculous chit-chat about love with a complete stranger. I ignored it.

The next day both profiles were taken down off match. Was this a precursor to some Liberian Prince financial scam? A serial killer in the midst? A bored guy in prison looking to fill his hour of free Internet allotted for the week? Or just some turd looking to pray on lonely, naïve women by telling them what they think we want to hear?

I have no ending to the story, no idea what their motives were but surely something wasn’t kosher. For anyone that wonders why internet dating is so challenging (or scary or exhausting) this is just one example. Reason enough to convince myself...if it seems to good to be true….

It’s likely a con artist or sociopath in the making.

Mr. Hearts and Flowers

Been while since I’ve posted because quite frankly, it’s been a while since I’ve been on a legit date. Which brings me to Mr. Hearts and Flowers.

One of those guys that looks great on paper, a sure sign that doom is impending. We exchanged a few messages and then texts and seemed to “hit it off” as much as one can in the cyber world. Since I know nothing means anything until you meet, I simply had hopeful expectations… but not really.

He, on the other hand, started to gush. Immediate red flag in my book. I just kept thinking about Still Married Guy and how he had invited me to Tahoe on vacation before we had ever met. Yeah, we see how well that worked out!

It started innocently where he said he was really excited to meet, he doesn’t usually click so well so fast, how he wants a relationship etc etc etc.

Then he closed his text with emoticons…..of hearts and flowers. 🌺🌻🌸🌹🌷❤💗💛❤💙💜💚😘😘

Oh no you di’int!

I took the approach of pretending it never happened. He says he’s the ultimate romantic. Whereas I am the ultimate cynic…rightfully so I may add. Where my friends were gagging from disgust, I figured I’d cut him slack and hope he doesn’t over do it in person.

We met at my favorite neighborhood place where, I cannot lie, I have been on one or two other dates. Underground cave-like lounge, dimly lit with middle eastern fare and relaxing music. For a moment I thought, shit, if I’m not attracted to him this is such a romantic environment I’m screwed. Oh, and this came about because he asked me to pick where we go (pet peeve of mine, but I digress).

I arrived first and ordered a vodka drink, I needed it. By the time he drove into the city and found a parking spot, I was nearly finished and had a decent buzz. He arrives and I’m pleasantly surprised to see he is much cuter than his photos. And he had a lot of photos. I ask him…

“has anyone ever told that you look like Peter Gallagher?

“Yes. But I get more people that say Chris Noth.

And now ladies and gentlemen, the fun begins. He looks JUST like Chris Noth. And who doesn’t want to go out with him?! !  We’re eating, we’re drinking, we’re having fun. Not until late in the evening does he ask if he can hold my hand and then the seduction began. He wanted to kiss me, I wanted to kiss him and what do you know…my apartment is two blocks away.

Next thing you know, we’re making out, he’s telling me crazy personal stories and it’s Still Married Guy all over again. Well, except no crying, he’s not married and didn’t come out and say “I’m not looking for a relationship.” Actually, he came out and said he is looking for a relationship. But all the girls he meets online only want sex. Pretty funny. I take it all with a grain of salt.

Yadda yadda yadda….he left the next day at noon.

He left me with a lot of information to digest. I need to seriously think about the reality of the types of men available out there. They all have issues….and baggage…and problems….and I inevitably want to fix them all. He seems kind and sweet and I’m very attracted to him. But there are a lot of layers on this onion. If I want to pursue, I’m going to need to roll up my sleeves.

My name is date hater and I’m a fixer. Always have been…probably always will be.

No Action Here Folks….Keep Moving

Damn….I’m an awful blogger. I can barely recall the last time I posted and yet each day I’m so excited to see my new Twitter followers – surely anxiously awaiting my next entry of snarky and amusing dating anecdotes.

Or not.

Dating has been slow. While work has been fast – and exhausting. No excuse, or should I say, more like an excuse a man would give. “I really dig you baby but I’m too busy with my career to be in a relationship.” All a load of crap I know. So I continue to hang out on occasion with Clark Kent. Nice guy but I can confirm without hesitation that I do NOT want to be his girlfriend or in a relationship with him. He’s a nice enough guy – end of story – end of the emotional trail. I’m still looking and have continued to meet a gaggle of fabulously stylish gay men. And although I continue to troll online, have had quite disappointing results and interactions.

I continue to try but often wonder when I’ll find real love again. The good news is that I know who I am, what I want, need and expect from a man and a partner. I see my parents, married for almost 50 years, truly one another’s best friend – then I see my contemporaries who are in one stage or another of divorce when they realize in hindsight that they never really should have married that person….but it was the right time or the thing to do. In the end, that’s just not enough. Not enough for me anyhow. Doesn’t everyone deserve to be happy?

I think so….

Always Judge a Book By its Cover

Been on a few dates now with Clark Kent. I haven’t written because I’m not really quite sure what to say. Strange from me, I know.

I don’t have anything bad to say about him. He hasn’t done anything awful or offensive. But something is clearly off or missing that I can’t put my finger on. Putting that aside, we had a very candid conversation about how he is not looking for a relationship, doesn’t have time to commit to someone at the moment and wouldn’t be a good boyfriend to anyone. So….where do you go from there?

I told him, that I was in fact, looking for a relationship, but I appreciated his honesty and wasn’t sure where that left us. Put that together with me being ambivalent and I was okay no matter how this thing pans out. He said he was ideally looking for a friend that he could hang out with, do things with and be sexually attracted to them (which I suppose is code for sleeping with them). Dating with no strings or friends with benefits…no matter what you call it, it’s what a lot of men (I won’t say most) want and it’s bullshit. It’s all the so-called good stuff and none of the committment or obligation. Nice try buddy.

Needless to say, of course I heard from him again days later. Checking in and saying hello, and then ultimately asking if I’d like to go out again. Hmmm…..

“Is this us going on a date or going out as friends?” I asked.

“How about friends going out on a date?!” he lamely offers up.

So what am I supposed to do with that now? Ah, fuck it, I’ll go. I’m not feeling vulnerable like I’ll get hurt because I’m so on the fence anyhow. But I need to at least kiss this guy to see if we have any sexual chemistry since our social chemistry is fair but a bit awkward in my opinion. Perhaps this will tip me over the fence one way or the other.

But here’s the kicker…..he doesn’t drink…..or smoke….or drink coffee….or eat sushi. I mean my entire social existence is based on those things! So I ask – if you go out to dinner on a date,and you don’t drink, and there’s a certain nervous awkwardness and questionable things in common…..what do you do when you’re done eating???

Which was where we wrapped up date number two btw.

I don’t know about him, but I needed to be a little buzzed in this scenario while I test the waters. So outside of me acquiring some kind of date rape drug, how am I supposed to loosen up, loosen him up and see if there is anything lying beneath the surface with Clark Kent? I should note that his texts throughout the week were consistently sexual in nature, despite us barely touching skin beyond a good-bye kiss on the cheek and then peck on the lips. He was giving definitive, wolf in sheep’s clothing vibe and I’ve been down this road before.

The best looking, most charming, sexiest guys (The Pilot, The Greek, Still Married Guy etc.) all had a magical spell over me until we hit the sack. Then their mystical powers vanished and then what I was left with was a selfish or inadequate lover who clearly has never been told by, or asked a woman what actually works and what clearly doesn’t. And I guarantee they all think they’re spectacular in bed.

But I digress…..

The flip side to this coin is that the mild-mannered, somewhat nerdy, non-player, average Joes have always been amazing when it comes to pleasing a woman (namely me) and can’t seem to do enough to make me happy and pleasantly surprised and left with a newfound respect and sense of wonder and delight.

So I just KNEW Clark Kent would be good. I just felt it. He has no vices he’s got to be a sexual deviant or at the very least, damn good in bed.

He asked me to a museum and it was one of those days that I just felt like nesting in. Watching a movie, making dinner and wearing loose clothes or sweats if possible. He happily agreed and I knew I had to get him drunk, or at least tipsy and test these waters….

Since I don’t like to describe my sexual exploits (simply hint to them), I’ll say I made my famous sangria that just about any non-drinker will imbibe with delight. I threw in a pinch of rum, clearly disguised by the sugar and wham! We’re good to go. Home cooked meal, a biz of booze and he’s at my place. I’m no dummy.

Yadda yadda yadda….

We talked and cooked and dinner was fucking delicious if I must say so myself. Peruvian roasted chicken with brown rice, salad and cilantro dressing. Again questioning our chemistry and if we were on the same wave length, I was still stuck on the board and waiting to grab my get out of jail or you’ve won a beauty contest collect $200 to move this thing ahead or back two steps to get out of the holding pattern in my brain.

My so-called plan worked. He eventually leaned in and kissed me and I knew from that moment this was going to be good….And I was right.

So do I like him now? Still not sure. But it’s nice to have options.

Why You Don’t Shit Where You Eat….and other important life lessons

Was on the train early the other morning in my usual half daze. Somehow managed to squeeze myself into a seat and started to slowly enjoy my steaming hot Starbucks Venti. Most mornings I’m so engaged in my morning ritual of AM NY or Metro, the free newspapers given out by homeless men which satisfy my need for a. a small paper to hold while balancing my purse, coffee and whatever crap I’m dragging into the office b. a quick read of the hot news topics and c. my daily horoscope – but today the near comatose speed baristas killed a solid 10 minutes to make my damn coffee so I had to wiz by the paper boys, only to have to stare at fellow passengers and the Dr. Zizmore skin or teeth ads on the train (I’ve been looking at his ads for years and still not sure exactly what it is he treats).

Two stops in, and a well dressed guy gets on the train or at least moves in front of me…directly in front of me but with his back facing me. I see a portion of his face and I think….shit…..I’m pretty sure….it’s Hurricane Man. Only his hair is grown in (he had randomly shaved a really luxurious head of hair for absolutely no reason). I feel my palms began to sweat and a flush comes over me. I’m patting down my forehead in a panic…..do I say hello? Randomly look off into empty space or try to find an old Con Ed bill in my bag I can fully engross myself into and look engaged for the remainder of this twenty-five minute ride downtown??

Shit, but what if it’s NOT him?! How dumb do I feel then?! But I also don’t want to give him satisfaction of him thinking I’m avoiding him….what to do….what to do…what to….ooops……he got off at 42nd Street. I know he works downtown but maybe he switches trains there…..or…..he saw me and figured he was getting off that train regardless of where it stopped next. Who knows.

I had to confront him….in the most non-confrontational way of course. I sent him an email simply asking him if he was wearing green cords today? As awful as it sounds, this guy (whomever he is) was actually quite dapper and well put together – in spite of or because of the green cords with the snazzy blazer and debonair scarf and stylish carry/bag. And no, I don’t think he was gay….but nothing surprises me – so who knows.

He responds…“No why” and then we went back and forth and I told him which train I saw the guy from afar (lie) on and he responded “I was on that train this morning” to which I replied “that’s why I think it was you.” This went back and forth a few times to the point where he actually seemed unsure if this was in fact him when I finally answered “wouldn’t you know if you were wearing green cords?!”

“How are you? How you been?” and a bunch of other bullshit questions trying to be polite ensued and then I eventually stopped writing. He clearly has or had limited interest in me but the last thing I need is to have someone in Manhattan (no less my neighborhood AND work neighborhood) that I’m trying to avoid.

Because in all my years living here I can say without question……if you try to avoid someone in this city of 8 million….you will without question bump into them.

Dating a guy in your neighborhood has its definite drawbacks.

Hunker Down

Well I made it here in one piece.

Here I am, back in the Big Apple to resume chapter 643 of my life. So far so good, albeit it’s been a whirlwind with moving, new job, unpacking, head cold etc, etc. Oh and did I mention Hurricane Sandy?

Just now getting things sorted out and trying to ease myself back into the dating scene. So far I gotta say, it’s a bit grim. All the women over 25 in my office are married and the men are gay. Pretty standard protocol. So I started snooping around online and somebody must have posted my profile on seniorcitysingles.com because the only men writing me are over 50. Well over it.

I’m optimistic simply because I have to be, but also I’m in a new neighborhood, a new job and surrounded by friends so already I feel good. Then the storm hit. I’m locked away indoors for less than 24 hours and my ass hurts from too  much couch and tv time. I showered this morning and I’m pretty sure I won’t be getting dressed until the subways open and I’m forced to go back to work. I’m enjoying my nesting time as long as I have power, tv, cold beverages and the internet. I’m all good, with the exception of this awful sugar crash I’m having from breaking into the Halloween candy and Armageddon food I’ve been wolfing down.

I received what one would think was an enticing email saying “Hello, My name is Francois and I am a French surgeon….” I knew before even opening that sucker it was bad news. Call me psychic, call me jaded, call me an experienced dater. That was a red herring. Hours later, and in no rush to read this or any of the other wretched messages, I eventually went online to see what was happening. Then it hit me……this is like a bar at closing time. Everyone lurking around, looking around, possibly seeking someone to share the end of days or at least the next few hurricane rain days with. Holy crap, I just stumbled on a dating gold mine! Nobody is working and we’re all bored, horny and trapped indoors!

Sent out a few emails and heard back right away from someone else who was surely in the same mindset as I. We chatted briefly and then when we discovered we don’t live too far from one another he asked if I wanted to hang out tomorrow afternoon during the storm. In theory this sounds fun and eventful, but I gotta say, this hurricane is pretty much ensuring I will not be moving much off my couch unless it’s to the kitchen to make more ice and grab another diet coke or Twizzlers. If I lose power, I immediately switch to wine and goldfish crackers. Advance planning is imperative here.

So Hurricane Man is a cutie  but I’m going to insist we meet when no lives are at risk and I come down off this sugar high.

I Should Know Better But….

Been on a hiatus the last month, no dating since that jackass with the iced tea that made me buy my own drink. That left the taste of sour milk in my mouth and I was more than happy to get away, go on vacation and relish my unencumbered and celibate status.

As my life has been a series of vagabond adventures and travels, it seems as though I may be picking up and hitting the road again soon. No need to go into further explanation as this is a dating and relationship blog, not a personal diary, but I mention it because I changed my location on an online profile just to get a taste for what was out there in my potentially new city.

I was completely honest in my profile, mentioning how I travel back and forth, but likely planning to move back. After weeding through a selection of utterly undesirables and guys I might consider if I was bored, I stumbled upon a man who caught my attention in a way I haven’t seen in quite a while.

He had 7 or 8 photos up in various locales and poses, one more fetching than the next. Right up my alley, so cute I wanted to literally jump into the computer screen and crawl into his lap. The kind of guy I know without question I will be attracted to and wanting to jump his bones before the main course is served. Add to that a compatibility rating of 95%. Ninety-five fucking percent with only 2% chance of becoming enemies. Sounds ridiculous I know, but the way okcupid.com works is actually based on the metrics of some very vague and very specific questions about preferences, beliefs, opinions and stances on topics in ethics, sex, lifestyle, dating and “other.” If I’m answering 200+ questions on my beliefs, preferences and lifestyle choices, there’s going to be some accuracy on this rating system. The method of course, does not account for physical attraction, but that goes without saying.

So as far as the photos, check. Compatibility, check. Obvious flaws, red flags or baggage listed? Nope. Check. Has a job/career, check. Similar interests, check. Oh, and did I mention I wanna rape him? I’ve never met him and I already feel like a giddy school girl. This is where it gets bad and I should know better. He’s perfect on paper, and that’s never a good thing. Besides it likely not being true, all it does is build my expectations and anticipation and that’s never a good thing when drawn out over a long period of time.

Taking a step back, he invited me for drinks while I was in town, but due to my schedule and him having to work we couldn’t coordinate getting together. We playfully texted back and forth and he asked when I’d be back in town again. I mentioned that I’d likely return in the next few weeks unless he was interested in a road trip. (Just putting it out there, I figured). He was into it, although I’m not sure exactly what those parameters would be. Nothing ventured nothing gained I figure. He said we should get together and plan something for the second week of September. This of course feels like a lifetime and I’m well aware that is just ample time for me to obsess and him to meet someone else or lose interest. Great!

Do I keep the banter going? Will that make me look too interested? Do I play cool and risk him losing interest? Out of sight out of mind. It all brings about the question I often ponder…..Do men and women get more excited about meeting someone for the first time with the anticipation of the unknown and the hope and promise that brings?…..or the second date after you’ve already met the person and know what you’re getting?

I have no answers but I do know that any time a guy has gone over the top in almost obsessive behavior (i.e.: Still Married Guy) it surely leads to a rapid demise of whatever pipe dream they had in their heads. If they are soooo into you before even meeting, it’s almost certainly a red flag and grounds for disappointment.

Been there done that. Let’s see how this plays out.

Mail Order Bride..Afterward

After much debate, guilt and anxiety, we last heard our friend Steve was making the road trip down to meet the Mail Order Bride for a Sunday afternoon date/sex romp/wedding registry.

He chickened out…dodged a bullet….bowed out gracefully, much to her dismay. He told her based on their different realities, timelines and objectives, it probably wasn’t a good idea to get involved or start something and lead her on. She wasn’t happy to say the least.

In response to his explanation where he pointed out that she seems to want to get married “like tomorrow” she stopped him mid sentence and said,  “I want to get married YESTERDAY!”

I’m curious to see how this approach works out for her.

Good luck sister.

Mr. Faucet – Conclusion

As I tried to imagine how he mysteriously switched from hot to cold over the course of 48 hours, Mr. Faucet put my questions to rest with his candid email.

Dear Datehater,
I had fun with you on Wednesday and the week before.  I met someone on Friday that I really connected with and I feel it’s a strong match so I’m going to explore the relationship a bit.  I feel that you and I connected as well, but think I’m a better fit for someone who also has been through the same life experiences as me – a divorce, kids, etc.  That’s not why I went to bed early on Wednesday – I’m actually still sick – but I wanted to let you know where I’m coming from.

:) Faucet

At least that makes sense. So now I’m discriminated against for not being divorced with kids! What I’m confused about is which Friday he is referring to when he met the divorce’. The Friday as in the day after we went out and the night before he wrote how into me he was? Or the Friday, the day after he was already acting strange? No matter, whatever, I’m out.

But really gentlemen, how dumb can you be to cut off your options after going out once with someone? I suppose it’s the same impulsive behavior that would possess you to tell me you don’t want to scare me but you can’t wait to see me and get to know me after going out once.

Schmuck.

Welcome One and All!

Hey everyone!

It’s been so exciting to see all my new Twitter followers and the kind words you have been throwing my way…..especially since sometimes I feel like I’m writing this for my own venting and or amusement!

For those interested in knowing my story without going back and reading the long list of posts, I say…. go back and read them, they’re funny! But if you choose not to I’ll give you the Cliff’s Notes (do they still make those?) version of what brings me to this forum.

A few years back, after returning from living overseas and ending a long and drawn out relationship, I decided to join the world of online dating. (Much to my chagrin and after much coaxing I should add). It was so fascinating and yet horrifying to comprehend strangers being brought together in such a forced and unnatural manner. I was such a nervous wreck, let’s just say, there was vodka involved before the date even started!

I recall my first date vividly, as he awkwardly told me about his years of therapy, disdain for his parents and inability to find a rewarding career. So you can imagine at this point how psyched I am to be on the receiving end! That coupled with his social shyness and literally digging out change and singles from the dusty inner linings of his pockets. He was sweet and wouldn’t take any money from me….but he literally left the waitress partial payment in quarters.

It took off from there, as I would rush home after a night out and tell the outlandish stories to my friends, much to their delight. As the guys got stranger, the stories got better until I reached the point where I was so exhausted by telling the same story repeatedly, that I just started to write about them in a mixed journal/story format and sent out email letters. It didn’t take long to learn from rookie mistakes (never go out with someone with only one photo, especially if it’s B&W), and become the master of my own domain, as pathetic an honor as it sounds. Granted my experiences were in New York City, but as hard as I tried to find someone relatively sane, the options were limited and I quickly surmised you cannot judge a book by its online profile photo!

A dark sense of humor and sarcasm brought me to the conclusion that nothing was worse than a boring date. Someone that I had little or nothing to talk about. I’d rather have a great date or a really bad date than a blah date. At least the bad dates are laughable (not usually at that moment, but at some subsequent time after). I’ve even been accused of intentionally picking bad guys as to give myself fodder for the blog. I can assure you that is the furthest thing from the truth.

Over time, I have found great guys and weasels. Everything from cross-dressers, ex-cons, and so-called alien abductees to rocket scientists, writers and possible mob members. Experienced every type of date from splitting the cost of a beer ($5) to dining at some of Manhattan’s finest restaurants to getting on Amtrak and traveling to the Mohegan Sun casino to see a concert. All on first dates!

I’m a skeptic, yet a romantic at heart. I want to find love, but I’ve waited this long. So each time I fall down I pick myself up again, wipe myself off and cynically think….“NEXT!” So I hope you enjoy my dating adventures – tales of love and lust with a few life lessons thrown in after the fact. I will continue to somehow scrounge up enough energy to go out and meet new men even though the process exhausts me as I search for my best friend and hopefully future partner.

I welcome and encourage feedback and comments and hope you enjoy the ride!

Thanks,

dh