I Should Know Better But….

Been on a hiatus the last month, no dating since that jackass with the iced tea that made me buy my own drink. That left the taste of sour milk in my mouth and I was more than happy to get away, go on vacation and relish my unencumbered and celibate status.

As my life has been a series of vagabond adventures and travels, it seems as though I may be picking up and hitting the road again soon. No need to go into further explanation as this is a dating and relationship blog, not a personal diary, but I mention it because I changed my location on an online profile just to get a taste for what was out there in my potentially new city.

I was completely honest in my profile, mentioning how I travel back and forth, but likely planning to move back. After weeding through a selection of utterly undesirables and guys I might consider if I was bored, I stumbled upon a man who caught my attention in a way I haven’t seen in quite a while.

He had 7 or 8 photos up in various locales and poses, one more fetching than the next. Right up my alley, so cute I wanted to literally jump into the computer screen and crawl into his lap. The kind of guy I know without question I will be attracted to and wanting to jump his bones before the main course is served. Add to that a compatibility rating of 95%. Ninety-five fucking percent with only 2% chance of becoming enemies. Sounds ridiculous I know, but the way okcupid.com works is actually based on the metrics of some very vague and very specific questions about preferences, beliefs, opinions and stances on topics in ethics, sex, lifestyle, dating and “other.” If I’m answering 200+ questions on my beliefs, preferences and lifestyle choices, there’s going to be some accuracy on this rating system. The method of course, does not account for physical attraction, but that goes without saying.

So as far as the photos, check. Compatibility, check. Obvious flaws, red flags or baggage listed? Nope. Check. Has a job/career, check. Similar interests, check. Oh, and did I mention I wanna rape him? I’ve never met him and I already feel like a giddy school girl. This is where it gets bad and I should know better. He’s perfect on paper, and that’s never a good thing. Besides it likely not being true, all it does is build my expectations and anticipation and that’s never a good thing when drawn out over a long period of time.

Taking a step back, he invited me for drinks while I was in town, but due to my schedule and him having to work we couldn’t coordinate getting together. We playfully texted back and forth and he asked when I’d be back in town again. I mentioned that I’d likely return in the next few weeks unless he was interested in a road trip. (Just putting it out there, I figured). He was into it, although I’m not sure exactly what those parameters would be. Nothing ventured nothing gained I figure. He said we should get together and plan something for the second week of September. This of course feels like a lifetime and I’m well aware that is just ample time for me to obsess and him to meet someone else or lose interest. Great!

Do I keep the banter going? Will that make me look too interested? Do I play cool and risk him losing interest? Out of sight out of mind. It all brings about the question I often ponder…..Do men and women get more excited about meeting someone for the first time with the anticipation of the unknown and the hope and promise that brings?…..or the second date after you’ve already met the person and know what you’re getting?

I have no answers but I do know that any time a guy has gone over the top in almost obsessive behavior (i.e.: Still Married Guy) it surely leads to a rapid demise of whatever pipe dream they had in their heads. If they are soooo into you before even meeting, it’s almost certainly a red flag and grounds for disappointment.

Been there done that. Let’s see how this plays out.

Don’t Judge a Book (or a Man) By its Cover

I’m completely off-line. Well, I was. I’ve been feeling a bit restless and bored lately, so I thought I’d activate just long enough to take a peek.

First day up and the old faithfuls come back. Then a series of very complimentary emails….from some very undesirable men. The bad grammar, broken English, indistinguishable photos….yes it’s all there, as usual. Then finally, I find a keeper.

Cute, age appropriate, friendly appearance, educated, lives close, looking for love, his stats look good. Until I read his Q+A…..

1. Do you believe Creationism should be taught side by side with Evolution in schools? YES

2. Do you believe gay marriage should be legal? NO

3. Do you believe abortions should be available outside of cases of rape? NO

4. Do you believe marijuana should be legalized? NO

5. What’s your political beliefs? Right wing conservative.

So yeah, my profile is coming down again.

More Red Flags Than a Russian Embassy

This is an actual email I received not too long ago, that quite frankly, I didn’t know what to do with. Here was a very attractive guy, educated, good job and seemed sweet in our brief exchange on Match.com. Then he wrote me this letter…

My first thought was WTF?! Second was, when is he going to ask me for money?Third, is this for real? Fourth, if it is – where does one even begin? And fifth, why, why why would anyone construct a letter like this?

Despite him being very handsome, how could I ever date someone with terrible grammar, questionable English and a proclivity to overuse LOL.

You decide.

Good Morning Princess Charming,

Thanks for sharing your email address with me.  i think we’re off match.com raider now . LOL

I am a Ukrainian by birth, born in the Golden,Colorado to a family of two (My sister and me). I lost my parent in an auto crash 12years ago in Bahamas, while they were on a vacation. My sister and i do not really get along because she went contradictory to be wish of my parents, getting married to a drug dealer. 

I attended high school and college in Colorado, and got my degree in Colorado School of Mines. I’m  a freelance miner/Engineer in the oil field , I’m working off a contract job for an oil company in Alaska(Offshore) I own  my house, I love my job too. I moved sometimes in Sept. last year to start a new life after the long morn of my parents. I needed a change of environment for a new start.

I went through your profile and email you sent me over and over again and from what I’ve read about you I can say you have an amazing personality which is great and you strike me as someone who knows what she wants hhhmmmmm, I like that too..Sincerity I felt that in your profile.. You seem like a very kind and genuine woman who knows what she wants, which is something I certainly like.  I’m pretty particular with the type of woman that I’m looking for, so when I find one with such a nice profile as yours, I want to make sure I can explore her more.To me, i believe age is nothing but numbers and it is not a relationship criteria. I don’t see it as a deal breaker in as much as my partner is young at heart and posses great personality.

I am starting to get tired of the online dating, I have been in to it for over 3 weeks now and still haven’t met anyone that can make me say wow its been worth while, a friend of mine Daniel, we worked together on an Oil rig offshore of sometimes ago met his wife on match.com that was what motivated me, well I guess meeting someone special isn’t the easiest thing.  I’m actually not a billionaire as most lady are looking for on Match, But i believe i’m something more. Haha .  I’m a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on me, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep… I’m the boy who kisses your forehead at every slightest opportunity just to show you how much i care about you,  a man who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much I care and how lucky I am to have you…. I’m the man who turns to my friends and says, ‘that’s her.’”

 I know you must be wondering why i’m still single or why i never considered getting married in the past .  Well the answer is, I’ve once met with true love and someone i was deeply in love with and we both had plans to marry and settle down, but unfortunately we were not allowed to get married base on religious background. She’s an Arab princess i met sometimes ago in Dubai ( She was a Muslim and from a royal family and I’m a Christian ). The second woman i would have taking the bold step of stepping into marital life with was an actress who ended up cheating on me on several occasion while i was away for job so we later ended the relationship and went our separate ways , though recently she started calling wanting and begging to come back, but  I told her ” I’m sorry i’ve gotten over you” and i stop talking to her. Since then promised myself that i will only settle down with the right woman and not until i find that woman , I won’t settle for anything less than someone who has a great personality, who is committed and is looking for a serious relationship.

 I’m a very down to earth man….i like the outdoors especially going to the beach and camping….going to the movies and fishing. I’m very honest and open minded….my life is like an open book so whatever you wanna know all you need is just ask. I like to do anything that seems fun at my free time.I love watching Movies,romance, action and comedy. The simple things in life mean the most to me. Peace, love, family, stability… I am happy if those around me are happy, so I strive to make people happy.

I’m a team player. I like consensus. I am honest, sometimes to a fault, but I don’t believe that people benefit from being told only what they want to hear, and sometimes the truth isn’t the easiest thing to hear, but it’s worth it, because it makes us more aware, better, stronger people. I’m hardworking, affectionate and loyal and was raised on very traditional values of honor. I believe in treating others as I would want to be treated. I’ve traveled all over the world (Canada, Scotland, England, Japan.) but if you’re a real traveler, you’ll know, there’s no place like home. I do, however, have a soft spot in my heart for Japan and Japanese culture and customs.

I don’t date around,.I would love to have someone who has honor, trust, compassion, a good sense of self esteem, and communication skills to share my life with, but if I have not found her yet, I can enjoy my own company! I would rather be alone than be with the wrong person, I guess I just got to the point. that going out with someone just because they think I am “handsome”, goes no where, unless they are “real” and can see beyond the outside package.   I love been involved in activities that involved giving back to people less fortunate and the community, and how we impact those around us, is what they remember when we are all gone. Does not matter if they are poor, rich, red, white or blue. Making people feel valued and important is a gift not many people have and I’m glad I have that gift.  Wow ! I’ve said a lot . LOL  I hope i’ve not bored you with my email.   . I await to read back from you telling me more about you, like what you are looking for in a man, your likes and dislike , e.t.c LOL

 Attached to this email are my pictures. All my pictures are recent. I took them last month.

John.

Xoxoxo

Mr. Faucet – Conclusion

As I tried to imagine how he mysteriously switched from hot to cold over the course of 48 hours, Mr. Faucet put my questions to rest with his candid email.

Dear Datehater,
I had fun with you on Wednesday and the week before.  I met someone on Friday that I really connected with and I feel it’s a strong match so I’m going to explore the relationship a bit.  I feel that you and I connected as well, but think I’m a better fit for someone who also has been through the same life experiences as me – a divorce, kids, etc.  That’s not why I went to bed early on Wednesday – I’m actually still sick – but I wanted to let you know where I’m coming from.

Faucet

At least that makes sense. So now I’m discriminated against for not being divorced with kids! What I’m confused about is which Friday he is referring to when he met the divorce’. The Friday as in the day after we went out and the night before he wrote how into me he was? Or the Friday, the day after he was already acting strange? No matter, whatever, I’m out.

But really gentlemen, how dumb can you be to cut off your options after going out once with someone? I suppose it’s the same impulsive behavior that would possess you to tell me you don’t want to scare me but you can’t wait to see me and get to know me after going out once.

Schmuck.

The New Rules

As part of my research on dating, sex and relationships, I decided to read “The Rules” for the very first time. The controversial publishing and cultural phenomenon that got women thinking, Oh this is what have I been doing wrong! I went into it assuming I’d despise the entire premise with its archaic philosophies and recognize that surely I break every rule….regularly.

Keep in mind the book was published in the mid 90′s, before internet dating and Facebook became part of the norm. I’m surprised  they haven’ t re-written a version just to accommodate all the new ways in which we can screw up; both more efficiently and with more people….all from the comfort of our own plush sofas.

Some of the rules such as “Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls”
“Always End The Call First” “Always End the Date First” and “Don’t See Him More Than Once a Week” seem a bit rigid and game-like. The admitted underlying theme is simple – men are born to respond to  challenge. Take away the challenge, and their interest wanes. Who am I to say if men are that simple and shallow, I’m the first to admit the more I date, the less I know.

I was most surprised to learn the goal of the book was not to promote passivity or subservience, but actually female empowerment, pride and confidence.

“Don’t chase after anyone, you are special and unique”

“Look, dress, feel and act the best you can”

“Don’t pine for a lost man or relationship, pick yourself up and move on”

and most importantly…..

“Don’t fall for a man who doesn’t want you, you deserve to be with someone who is dying to be with you!”

Other rules regarding how much information and sharing you do, letting him take the lead and never telling a man what to do, seem somewhat obvious. Although I’m sure I occasionally fucked those up as well. I suppose if anything, it’s manipulative behavior, and certainly not putting the two genders on equal footing. The Rules also require extreme willpower (basically from talking and fucking) and great acting ability (you are always busy, dating other men, going out,etc.). My personal motto of being open, honest and needing to share and know the truth would likely horrify the writers.

So, what’s one to do when you’re exhausted by playing games and looking for your equal partner? Oh, wait, I know…..you become a lesbian! Seriously though, I’m not sure which sex is more demeaned by this simplistic view of courting. In a modern world why do we want to be treated like a prize that men receive after we successfully follow the rules? Not to mention, if all of this behavior and engineering of a master plan simply leads to marriage… what comes after that? He’s trapped and not going anywhere? I think not.Why don’t they mention the real challenge is just about to begin?

With all the regulations and forbidden behavior, I’m amazed how men and women ever get together to begin with. I would have loved to hear the men’s version of The Rules, I wonder if their’s is also based on us being the smarter sex. Actually, I just remembered the book “Why Men Love Bitches”…..no need to answer.

Welcome One and All!

Hey everyone!

It’s been so exciting to see all my new Twitter followers and the kind words you have been throwing my way…..especially since sometimes I feel like I’m writing this for my own venting and or amusement!

For those interested in knowing my story without going back and reading the long list of posts, I say…. go back and read them, they’re funny! But if you choose not to I’ll give you the Cliff’s Notes (do they still make those?) version of what brings me to this forum.

A few years back, after returning from living overseas and ending a long and drawn out relationship, I decided to join the world of online dating. (Much to my chagrin and after much coaxing I should add). It was so fascinating and yet horrifying to comprehend strangers being brought together in such a forced and unnatural manner. I was such a nervous wreck, let’s just say, there was vodka involved before the date even started!

I recall my first date vividly, as he awkwardly told me about his years of therapy, disdain for his parents and inability to find a rewarding career. So you can imagine at this point how psyched I am to be on the receiving end! That coupled with his social shyness and literally digging out change and singles from the dusty inner linings of his pockets. He was sweet and wouldn’t take any money from me….but he literally left the waitress partial payment in quarters.

It took off from there, as I would rush home after a night out and tell the outlandish stories to my friends, much to their delight. As the guys got stranger, the stories got better until I reached the point where I was so exhausted by telling the same story repeatedly, that I just started to write about them in a mixed journal/story format and sent out email letters. It didn’t take long to learn from rookie mistakes (never go out with someone with only one photo, especially if it’s B&W), and become the master of my own domain, as pathetic an honor as it sounds. Granted my experiences were in New York City, but as hard as I tried to find someone relatively sane, the options were limited and I quickly surmised you cannot judge a book by its online profile photo!

A dark sense of humor and sarcasm brought me to the conclusion that nothing was worse than a boring date. Someone that I had little or nothing to talk about. I’d rather have a great date or a really bad date than a blah date. At least the bad dates are laughable (not usually at that moment, but at some subsequent time after). I’ve even been accused of intentionally picking bad guys as to give myself fodder for the blog. I can assure you that is the furthest thing from the truth.

Over time, I have found great guys and weasels. Everything from cross-dressers, ex-cons, and so-called alien abductees to rocket scientists, writers and possible mob members. Experienced every type of date from splitting the cost of a beer ($5) to dining at some of Manhattan’s finest restaurants to getting on Amtrak and traveling to the Mohegan Sun casino to see a concert. All on first dates!

I’m a skeptic, yet a romantic at heart. I want to find love, but I’ve waited this long. So each time I fall down I pick myself up again, wipe myself off and cynically think….“NEXT!” So I hope you enjoy my dating adventures – tales of love and lust with a few life lessons thrown in after the fact. I will continue to somehow scrounge up enough energy to go out and meet new men even though the process exhausts me as I search for my best friend and hopefully future partner.

I welcome and encourage feedback and comments and hope you enjoy the ride!

Thanks,

dh

Gotta Be In It To Win It!

One thing I give myself credit for, it’s getting back up on the horse. Quickly and with much vigor. It’s simply my way of coping and rationalizing how this entire process works….out with the old…and in with the new….a numbers game, etc. etc. I’m not going to say it doesn’t sting, but more than anything I suppose I’ve grown accustomed to a (dating) life abundant with rejection. Oh and no shortage of trolls, misfits and sociopathic losers that have a sincere and genuine interest in me. Yeah, I got THAT going for me!

What did I learn from the Cowboy experience? Likely nothing, but if I try really, really hard, perhaps the fact that I should stick with what is somewhat familiar to me. That whole “opposites attract” theory is for the birds. When the lights and newness fades what are you left with if you hate his guts and have little or nothing in common?

I shall return to my status quo. The artsy-ish guy who likely doesn’t have cable or better yet, a television at all. The guy who is over-educated but underemployed, as character and kindness supersede money, power, stability and douchey-ness. The guy really into music or art or charity or something that inspires me while making me look like a lazy turd. The man-child who is actually funny, quick and sharp, but asking him to express his feelings in a genuine and honest fashion is as probable as solving the world hunger problem.

If I can’t see myself being friends with someone, how can I expect anything more? And if you NEVER make me laugh….there’s a good chance I’ll want to kill you in your sleep at some point down the road. Just sayin’….

I had already reactivated my online profiles as soon as I sensed the end was imminent with my Texan friend and much to my surprise, found someone that caught my interest. A few quick exchanges and he asked if I wanted to meet that night. Let me tell you…I did not.

I did actually want to meet him, but I think as much as I was technically back on the horse, I was tired and mentally drained from a long and drawn out rodeo I never should have been at to begin with. Do I go?…do I go?…do I go???? I know I should – but Thursday really is a good night on TV, can ya blame me?!

One steaming hot shower and a Red Bull later, I dragged my lazy ass out for dinner and drinks. And guess what? I had an awesome fucking time! We closed the restaurant and then went out to a music club and closed that down too. Granted it’s Boston so it’s not really that difficult, but considering I was all set to spend an evening with Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin…..I’d say I was having a rocking good time and home past 2 am to prove it.

I have nothing to say about him. Not going to say a peep except we had a fantastic night, are clearly more appropriate for one another than the last go-round, and have plans for next week that I’m really excited about. I don’t even have a nickname for him.

Insert corny cliché’ about how life works in funny ways here.

If People Were Truly Honest on Dates…

Upstairs

Check Out This Video Short “Upstairs”

To De-friend or Not to De-friend

He’s a Little Bit Country….I’m a Little Bit Neurotic

Things have been going well with The Cowboy. Or so I thought….

Getting to know one another, spending time together and having an all around good time. Only thing is, he’s like a very complex Algebra equation….and I suck at math!

I’ve accepted the fact that I’ve never met anyone like him, and although I’m still assessing if that’s a good thing, I like what I’ve seen and been a part of thus far. For the most part anyhow. We’ve been seeing one another for almost a month now, and it occurred to me this is the slowest moving relationship I’ve ever been part of. That doesn’t bother me, in fact I prefer it. It’s easier for me to believe his words and actions, as well as allowing me time to figure out my own. So what’s wrong? What am I being crazy about now? It’s quite simple actually. Although we have had many in-depth and intimate conversations, we haven’t had “the talk” about whether or not we are seeing other people or exclusive. God knows I hate that talk but it has to happen as part of the natural progression of any relationship.

He’s enigmatic in many ways. One is that he’s so super intense, so connected to his thoughts and feelings – and yet on the flip side, a bit private and hardly an open book or fountain of information. One minute he’ll say or do something that makes me believe he is completely into me, in the most sincere and heartfelt manner. But then he can be aloof or evasive, which of course makes me super paranoid and questioning whether or not his other actions are true. I don’t think he has the capacity to lie or bullshit, but I do notice how he can conveniently avoid a question or scenario he doesn’t want to address. He seems so mature and grown up and incapable of mind games, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get hurt  or bamboozled.

I’ll preface this by saying when we are together, he so incredibly sweet, attentive, and thoughtful while not being even the slightest bit over the top, clingy or fast paced (see previous posts of past relationships for examples of that!) He seems so interested in building something real and true with me…but what do I know?So without getting into anything too personal, I’ll simply state these examples of why I’m getting paranoid…

- His profile is still up online and active. A major pitfall of online dating, but a reality check nonetheless. (Mine is down)

- I lost electricity for 2.5 days in my apartment, the first night he came and took me out to dinner. The second day he didn’t ask if I was still out (no heat, hot water, electric etc.), and when I mentioned to him that I was, he never invited me to stay or even shower at his house, if I needed anything or meet me out for dinner. Sure, he may have been with his kids, but then why not say something instead of just ignoring me? If the shoe were on the other foot, I would most definitely offer him a place to stay…or at least bathe. I just don’t think that was very nice, call me sensitive.

- I invited him out to dinner and asked (via text) when he picked up the kids for the weekend or had a free evening. He specifically never answered those questions while acknowledging others.

I think what is perplexing me is that when he speaks to me, he appears so serious, relationship oriented and one-woman focused. He told me he isn’t sleeping with anyone else, but never actually said “I’m not dating anyone else.” Call me a stickler, call me paranoid, but I have justifiable trust issues and these things do bother me.

I have not heard from him at all today, and he hasn’t checked in to see if my power has been restored. Wouldn’t that be the courteous/right/caring thing to do? Am I making a big deal and reading too much into things? Possibly. Perhaps this is his way of keeping things in check and progressing at a slow and steady pace…..which of course I know little about. Or maybe he is seeing other people? Or maybe he’s not sure how he feels about me? Or maybe I’m a wing nut. I’ll allow for a small degree of craziness on my part, sure, why not.

I want to trust him. I want to believe in him….and I want to pursue this relationship to the best of my ability. But what’s more important is that I don’t want to be blind or see things that don’t exist – good or bad. I want to believe in love and romance and the possibility of an incredible man out there for me, but how do we know the difference between being hopeful and ignorant or realistic and pessimistic?

How do we know which little voices to listen to and which ones just need their meds??