The plans went back and forth for weeks with him changing his mind and not being able to commit to a meeting location or city. Do we meet up by him? A few hours south, down by where I was staying? Or someplace neutral like Miami where we could go on a fun date of sorts. He seemed flustered and unable to make a decision and I was trying to set him at ease, so we decided to wait until I arrived.
By the time I got to Florida and we were in the process of coordinating when he could leave his mom unattended, we had arranged to meet up in the afternoon for lunch and he made a hotel reservation nearby for two nights. We had it all planned out. We would meet for lunch, he then had a job interview or meeting or something he would attend, and then we would meet up again for dinner. Regardless of how it went I would NOT be staying at the hotel and he wanted to have a traditional first date, regardless of our untraditional situation. Next day he would pick me up, we’d spend the day together and if things meshed, maybe I’d stay at the hotel on night two. No pressure, no expectations….in theory anyhow.
Somehow this turned into us meeting at Starbucks for a coffee and from the get-go I knew he was nervous. I wasn’t attracted to him per se, but since we had gotten to know one another on a much deeper level, I didn’t pass judgement and treated it like we were old friends, open to whatever may or may not happen. We had a nice lunch and gave me a gift bag with two cards. One was a sweet friendship card about how often he thinks about me and the other a thoughtful birthday card. At least one of them mentioned the phrase girlfriend inside. When he handed me the bag he said “Happy Belated Birthday” and I was touched by his thoughtfulness.
I opened it up and started pulling out the wads of tissue paper stuffed inside. I reached in to find a chocolate Toblerone candy bar. One of my favorites that I had mentioned in a previous conversation. Oh I wonder if he is giving me all of my favorite things or something sweet like that! I now excitedly dipped back in for what other surprises awaited me, grabbing more and more tissue each time. “Oh, that’s it. There’s nothing else in there,” he replied in a matter of fact fashion.” “Oh thank you that was very sweet” I said on the outside while my inner voice just wondered, did you just give me a big gift bag filled with tissue….and a candy bar for my birthday? Way to build up expectations dude!
Lunch was pleasant and we sat for a few hours before he needed to head off for his meeting. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to kiss him or how I felt, but I figured things would be more casual over dinner after a cocktail or two and we would both let our guard down. We hugged goodbye and said we’d talk in a few hours about the evening schedule.
About two hours passed and he phoned me from his cell, immediately sounding fidgety and uneasy. “Uhhhh listen….I need to be honest with you….I had a great time, but I just didn’t feel butterflies. I didn’t want there to be any pressure so I uhhhh…..gave up the hotel…..and I’m going home instead.”
So you mean to tell me you are in the car now driving home and didn’t even feel comfortable enough to stay and hang out or have dinner?
“Uhhhh…..I just felt like I was having lunch with my best friend and not someone I wanted to fuck.”
Let me tell you, when someone says that to you, you are no longer obligated to use any filter whatsoever so I told him exactly what I was thinking as well. That I didn’t know how I felt or if he was my type but after investing 3+ months of intense conversation EVERY SINGLE DAY, I thought it was worth t least having dinner before coming to any conclusions. Thing is….I was a little relieved (albeit annoyed and slightly insulted) and he actually thought I was saying all that to cut him slack and make him feel better. Unfucking real, men and their egos.
So here’s where the bizarre quota goes up again, let me give you the basic stats at this point.
1. He gave me cards and referred to me repeatedly as his girlfriend
2. We never so much as even kissed or had any sexual relationship
3. After “courting” for 3 months when we were finally going to spend some time together, he bolted after lunch and went home…to his mom
4. He told me he did NOT in fact want to fuck me (but to not take it personally of course or think it had any impact on my overall fuckability)
5. He followed up by continuing to call me numerous times a day, texting etc…..like none of the above had happened
6. He became hostile and jealous at the mere mention of other men, me going out with any male friends or the mere mention of any of my exes
7. He mentioned how disappointed he was that I never referred to him as baby or sweetie (post “fuck” comment mind you)
Ugh, you know, this is merely scratching the surface of the shenanigans that went on with him for 4 months including when I returned to NY. Call it head games, nonsense, man-child jealous hijinks, I really want no part of it.
Here’s the crazy part, I wound up deciding to move back to Florida and we WOULD have been able to carry on a relationship. About 3 weeks before I was set to move he suddenly stopped all communication. Cold in his tracks, never to be heard from again.
I suppose the thought of a real girlfriend isn’t nearly as easy or comfortable as having a virtual one.