Tag Archives: platonic relationships

My Virtual Boyfriend – Part 2

Unknown-1The plans went back and forth for weeks with him changing his mind and not being able to commit to a meeting location or city. Do we meet up by him? A few hours south, down by where I was staying? Or someplace neutral like Miami where we could go on a fun date of sorts. He seemed flustered and unable to make a decision and I was trying to set him at ease, so we decided to wait until I arrived.

By the time I got to Florida and we were in the process of coordinating when he could leave his mom unattended, we had arranged to meet up in the afternoon for lunch and he made a hotel reservation nearby for two nights. We had  it all planned out. We would meet for lunch, he then had a job interview or meeting or something he would attend, and then we would meet up again for dinner. Regardless of how it went I would NOT be staying at the hotel and he wanted to have a traditional first date, regardless of our untraditional situation. Next day he would pick me up, we’d spend the day together and if things meshed, maybe I’d stay at the hotel on night two. No pressure, no expectations….in theory anyhow.

Somehow this turned into us meeting at Starbucks for a coffee and from the get-go I knew he was nervous. I wasn’t attracted to him per se, but since we had gotten to know one another on a much deeper level, I didn’t pass judgement and treated it like we were old friends, open to whatever may or may not happen. We had a nice lunch and gave me a gift bag with two cards. One was a sweet friendship card about how often he thinks about me and the other a thoughtful birthday card. At least one of them mentioned the phrase girlfriend inside. When he handed me the bag he said “Happy Belated Birthday” and I was touched by his thoughtfulness.

I opened it up and started pulling out the wads of tissue paper stuffed inside. I reached in to find a chocolate Toblerone candy bar. One of my favorites that I had mentioned in a previous conversation. Oh I wonder if he is giving me all of my favorite things or something sweet like that! I now excitedly dipped back in for what other surprises awaited me, grabbing more and more tissue each time. “Oh, that’s it. There’s nothing else in there,” he replied in a matter of fact fashion.” “Oh thank you that was very sweet” I said on the outside while my inner voice just wondered, did you just give me a big gift bag filled with tissue….and a candy bar for my birthday? Way to build up expectations dude!

Lunch was pleasant and we sat for a few hours before he needed to head off for his meeting. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to kiss him or how I felt, but I figured things would be more casual over dinner after a cocktail or two and we would both let our guard down. We hugged goodbye and said we’d talk in a few hours about the evening schedule.

About two hours passed and he phoned me from his cell, immediately sounding fidgety and uneasy. “Uhhhh listen….I need to be honest with you….I had a great time, but I just didn’t feel butterflies. I didn’t want there to be any pressure so I uhhhh…..gave up the hotel…..and I’m going home instead.”

So you mean to tell me you are in the car now driving home and didn’t even feel comfortable enough to stay and hang out or have dinner?

“Uhhhh…..I just felt like I was having lunch with my best friend and not someone I wanted to fuck.”

Let me tell you, when someone says that to you, you are no longer obligated to use any filter whatsoever so I told him exactly what I was thinking as well. That I didn’t know how I felt or if he was my type but after investing 3+ months of intense conversation EVERY SINGLE DAY, I thought it was worth t least having dinner before coming to any conclusions. Thing is….I was a little relieved (albeit annoyed and slightly insulted) and he actually thought I was saying all that to cut him slack and make him feel better. Unfucking real, men and their egos.

So here’s where the bizarre quota goes up again, let me give you the basic stats at this point.

1. He gave me cards and referred to me repeatedly as his girlfriend

2. We never so much as even kissed or had any sexual relationship

3. After “courting” for 3 months when we were finally going to spend some time together, he bolted after lunch and went home…to his mom

4. He told me he did NOT in fact want to fuck me (but to not take it personally of course or think it had any impact on my  overall fuckability)

5. He followed up by continuing to call me numerous times a day, texting etc…..like none of the above had happened

6. He became hostile and jealous at the mere mention of other men, me going out with any male friends or the mere mention of any of my exes

7. He mentioned how disappointed he was that I never referred to him as baby or sweetie (post “fuck” comment mind you)

Ugh, you know, this is merely scratching the surface of the shenanigans that went on with him for 4 months including when I returned to NY. Call it head games, nonsense, man-child jealous hijinks, I really want no part of it.

Here’s the crazy part, I wound up deciding to move back to Florida and we WOULD have been able to carry on a relationship. About 3 weeks before I was set to move he suddenly stopped all communication. Cold in his tracks, never to be heard from again.

I suppose the thought of a real girlfriend isn’t nearly as easy or comfortable as having a virtual one.

My Virtual Boyfriend – Part 1

Sad to admit this was the last encounter I had dating, and to be honest, it sorta sucked the wind out of me and left me with no idea how to relay the story.

A guy online contacted me and when I reviewed his profile I thought, “oh this is good. But…” It was well written, said all the things I wanted to hear and more importantly, had no red flags or deal breakers. but he wasn’t my type. I just didn’t know if I could picture myself with him. There wasn’t anything wrong with him, his features were nice….but I wasn’t drawn to him or picking up a vibe that we’d connect. I decided I would go outside my comfort zone and at least see if he had any personality, anything about him that intrigued me. Nothing ventured, nothing gained right?

The next few days were exciting and fun, filled with emails, calls and texts from him…as we got to know one another and some of the crazy coincidences we had in common. We grew up about 30 miles from one another. We went to the same college and lived in the same dorm (he being older than me, we never overlapped), we both studied abroad our junior year, in the same European city. Both have moved around and had careers combined of freelance and full-time positions and lived in several cities. Both nomadic, sarcastic, sharp but emotional and sensitive. And then I found out he lived in my same building in New York City. Ten years prior. That’s just crazy, of all the places in New York he lived in my exact building? Beyond coincidence, this was kismet.

So what’s the catch? Yeah, of course there’s one…. He doesn’t live in New York currently. He’s down south and thinking about possibly returning, but meanwhile has family matters to attend to. “Why did you list you lived in NY?” “Oh, that’s the type of woman I want to meet. And who knows, maybe I’ll return.” After extensive conversations of me explaining that by no means was I looking for a long distance relationship or a pen pal he seemed to agree he wasn’t either. How he’s ready to settle in and settle down and wants to share his life with a great woman.

The talks were then followed up by others just as intimate, personal, compelling and revealing. Every day, hours a day for nearly three weeks. This went on for weeks, the daily calls, emails and texts. And then things got REALLY complicated. There is that new stage a/k/a honeymoon phase when you first meet someone and they want to make the best possible impression so they tell you only the good stuff….and of course that’s all you hear anyhow even if there are some red flags peppered into passing conversation. So I’m thinking a month passed before I got the truth out of him. And it was a doozey. Even for me.

He had lived in NY amongst a few other cities, but circumstances now had him living with his 85-year-old mother –in Florida. So not only was he not living in NYC, the likelihood of him coming back to NY was slim. By this time we had spent countless hours speaking, confiding and sharing with one another – clearly on a friendship level….well, at least for me. You see he thought he was my boyfriend. He even referred to me as his girlfriend on the phone on more than one occasion. You mean your virtual girlfriend??

So where does this get even stranger?…..He had no money (pretty much a given with the men I meet) and couldn’t afford to “fly up and take me out the way I deserved.” So instead, he just never came at all. I think he actually enjoyed the no strings dynamic of a phone girl friend while I had bigger fish to fry as my life was coming apart at the seems and I prepared myself for another potential upheaval and career change. What did I get out of it you ask? A confidant and friend who lent an ear and who I reciprocated tenfold. A friend….with sexual overtones….but no actual sex. Phone sex is fun for about ten minutes and then I put the kaibosh on that shit.

This continued for about 3 months with his calls only amping in frequency and intensity. Then I planned a trip down to Florida for something else and decided we should meet up.

We did… 

An Open Letter to My Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

As we were in the early stages of getting to know one another, I thought it was only fair to point out a few things about myself that perhaps, may not be so obvious. I mean, how could you know all the angst and frustration I’ve been through in my dating life? How could you know I’m prone to anxiety and that I’m extremely impatient? – Meaning I am more of what you would call “impulsive” I suppose. How could you know that as much as I trust no man that I date (until he proves that I can, in fact trust him), I still easily fall for someone and can get hurt more easily than I’d like. How could you know that I actually take you for your word and want to believe you when you say you are speaking the truth. Thing is, I don’t really think I’m unique in any of these aspects, I kind of think most women think and believe these things…but hey…how could you know?

To help us both out, I thought it might be useful to exemplify the worst-case scenario of what not to do. What not to say and how not to act, in order to avoid these types of situations for both of our betterment.

 

1. Please do not set a date for a week away after having our initial conversation. I realize, of course, sometimes this is unavoidable, but it’s usually best to move quickly while the iron is hot so to speak. If we do have a week lag before meeting please skip to number 2.

2. Please do not call me twice a day every day and fill that in with multiple texts and emails, specifically when you wake and go to sleep. It’s only going to make me believe you are constantly thinking about me, excited to meet me and that we have an unexplainable connection before ever meeting face to face. All this will do is paint a picture in my mind that you are exactly what I’m looking for, thoughtful, attentive, interested and into me.

This also applies to speaking of the future in any sense. Any plans for the two of us, how we will be doing laundry together, taking weekend trips etc. Don’t even allude to these things. It’s really just putting the horse before the cart. If I could count all the boats, trips and summer homes I’ve been “invited to” prior to a first date I would have been living it up like Beyonce’.

3. On our date, please don’t continue to talk of future plans and then be stroking my hands before dessert comes. Don’t lean in and kiss me at the table repeatedly and act lovingly when we’ve known one another for 3 hours.

4. Please don’t act so interested in my life and my family and wanting to tell me the minutiae of yours. Again, it’s only going to give me the impression that you care and really want to know.

5. Please don’t comment about how fantastic the date is and then proceed to compliment me while you’re crafting the perfectly ideal romantic evening. It really sets the bar quite high that you’re enjoying yourself and having a great time.

6. Please do make mention of another date or plans for another date before the evening is over. It makes me feel you are genuinely interested and sets my mind at ease as to whether I’ll ever see you again. Saying “I’ll call you tomorrow” only works if I believe it’s true.

7. When you do call the next day and end the call, don’t say, “Let’s get together next week. But I’m really busy so I don’t know when. So maybe Wednesday. I don’t know.”

When Wednesday comes and goes and I don’t hear from you I’m already starting to rage that you are inconsiderate and rude, and likely not interested.

8. When you do text me and it’s mundane conversation with no mention of a date, I’m going to wonder WTF and why are you bothering. I’ll assume I’m on your back burner with something or someone of higher importance cooking. I’m also going to wonder how you had so much time last week in your busy schedule to call me twice a day when now you’re barely texting once.

9. So here’s the thing…..I’m going to call you out at some point. I’m going to give you an opportunity to bow out gracefully and be on your merry way. If you don’t have the balls to say, “I don’t think we’re a match” (despite said words and behavior) I’m going to open the door and gently assist you. You see, here’s how we’re different….when I go on a date and have a great time….I actually would like to see you again. And not in a week or two from now. BUT, if it’s unavoidable, I’m going to express my interest and keep the momentum going….to show I am thoughtful and interested in you! That’s how normal people date.

10. Please, when I give you the opportunity to say See Ya…please take it if you have no intention of calling me or seeing me again. What does it accomplish for you to say “we’ll make a date soon!” Why bother? Why keep me lingering? It’s really quite cruel and unfair actually. Unless of course you’re a 15-year-old boy, then of course it’s perfectly par for the course. If I didn’t like you, or had some balls of my own, I would reply with “don’t bother!” What self-respecting woman is going to sit and let a man follow-up for a second date weeks after the first when you were probably not busy with work so much, but more like testing out another relationship you were unsure of.

11. Please I beg you, don’t follow up the “soon” conversation by sending me a text saying “you’ll call me tonight to talk about what’s going on…things haven’t been easy for you lately, you have so much going on…bla bla bla…..”…………..and then NEVER CALL…..again….ever.

 

I’d be lying if I didn’t say this one stung. Although nothing really shocks or surprises me, it still angered, then upset then disappointed me…

Girl gets up off bike, bandages herself up, picks up the bike, and gets back on it to take another ride.

 

How to Spot a Douchebag

This one is actually not a challenge at all . As much as I respect someone who fully represents who they are, I wonder if this person has gone back and read what he wrote as his list of requirements….and realizes what a jackass he truly is.

I have been accused of being shallow but I assure you I am not. I know what I want and I don’t want to waste both our time if we are not a good fit. I respect the wishes of women on here by not emailing them if I am outside of their requirements (I know I am not 6ft tall so I will never email you if thats what you specify). Please respect mine:

1. You consider yourself a step above the rest with respect to taste in clothes, food and furniture even if you can’t afford what you like.

2. You are very into fashion and that’s international fashion, not New England fashion.

3. You have a collection of heels.

4. You do not wear sneakers with jeans and do not date the sneakers and Levi 501 type of guy. Sneakers are meant for the gym and 501 Levi’s are meant to be in the museum!

5. You are very comfortable wearing tight fitting skirts above the knee.

6. You believe showing a bit if cleavage is sexy. (I’m beginning to think that this may be banned in New England).

7. You know who Thierry Mugler is.

8. You have or want to travel.

9. You have no sports team clothing you wear casually.

10. Body type is not important but a sexy walk with attitude is. I love the type who believe they are sexy!

11. Your hair styles are modern and fashionable and you probably have a gay and very cool and trendy hair stylist.

12. You would not have an issue with eating seaweed chocolates.

A Date With My Future Husband

Thought I’d mix things up for once with an optimistic, encouraging and positive spin on internet dating. There’s a shocker for ya!

Even better, I’m not going to divulge anything personal about him in the hopes that I will have nothing to say. In the world of date blogging….no news is good news. After going back and forth for nearly a month with one particular guy who was apparently “out-of-town” and then vanished, things started to look bleak. Not only did he waste my time of writing for a month, but kept telling me how awesome I was and what a great date we would be going on – dinner, wine,etc etc. Talk to the hand buddy – follow-up is key and obviously I was in back burner mode while you were courting someone else. Which is fine. Just don’t keep stringing me along. Next….

Did  another quick trial stint on match.com and here’s where the surprise comes in……found a guy that is…..everything I am looking for. On paper anyhow! That is of course, the tricky part since we all know it means nothing until you meet. All I can say is we have spoken several times, going out in a few days and I’m very excited and optimistic (as much as a dating cynic can be anyhow). No red flags, no noticeable baggage or skeletons and just a nice……normal guy.

Amazing how after all this drama I would be so excited to meet someone deemed “normal”….not boring….not ordinary….but stable, responsible, kind, generous, intelligent, motivated, funny and emotionally and legally available. Wow, can you imagine?!

Who knows what my feedback will be after in the in-person encounter but for the next few days at least, I can refer to him as my future husband for my own benefit and amusement. Everyone wish me luck!

HOT off the press

I would have included this in my previous post, however, it just came in. From a very attractive, very young (early-mid 20’s) man. So it’s pretty clear, if I’d like to have sex  with a different young man every night….it’s pretty much up for the taking. I’m sure you men are jealous and thinking “why the hell not!” Ughhh….

Am I  the only normal person online looking for a relationship?….Don’t answer that. Just read…

Hi there. I am looking for something very different and thought you might be interested. I am looking to put on a show for a woman who is nice looking and classy. Basically I will be nude and get off in front of you with in a kinky way. You can sit back, relax, and enjoy. More and less can happen depending on the situation. I am a very nice and respectful guy and do not do this often at all. I am actually leaving work soon and wont be online at all but would love to talk. Maybe email me if you would like to?

I can also explain to you why I decided to message you specifically.

 

The Date Who Came to Dinner…and Wouldn’t Go the Fuck Home

Welcome back dear long time readers and new followers!

It’s been a while since I’ve posted for numeros reasons. Personal shit that has taken precedence over this and then couple it with the fact I haven’t been on a date in a few months. And it was a doozy…

I’m somewhat inspired to finally write again as the date was too good not to share (and when I say good I of course mean awful) and I’m going on a new date tonight with someone I’m looking forward to. He seems cute, funny, nice and normal….but then again most of them do before you meet them. Unfortunately, there is a wicked heat wave and I’m exhausted with no motivation to even think about prepping for what sloppy mess is going to be presented to this guy. Good think I keep Red Bull on hand in the fridge.

But the good stuff….

So the last date/s I had were a few months ago with a real blue ribbon prize winner. If I wasn’t delirious from the heat I would have written this in story form but I figured a bulleted listing of some red flags will suffice for now. We went out a few times, the last of which I made him dinner at my place on a Saturday evening…only to have him squat at my apartment until Sunday at 6pm. Oh and when I say squat I mean asleep…in my bed…and refusing to get up and or leave. While I did this and that around him in the other room.

You’re probably thinking, “Are you stupid, why didn’t you wake his ass up and kick him out?!” At the time I don’t think I realized how rude I would find it not to mention how I would grow to despise him by nightfall. It all crystallized however, when he said to me (upon waking up) “You know, if we start dating – I’ll sleep here during the week and you’ll come out to my place on weekends. I’ll sleep all day while you go to work.”

Ladies……THIS is what’s out there, I kid you not! For those wondering, he “works for himself” and yes it’s in quotes for a reason.

I like to think of the things that we store in the back of our brains to use at a later time as pink flags.Not quite deal-breakers on their own, but when combined or viewed in hindsight – shine like beacons in the night to wake you up from your sex coma and make you realize what a loser you have on your hands.

Pink flag statements:

- Why would I ask about your family? I don’t care about your family, I’m not dating them

- I hate my dad, I’ve thought about killing him for the money

- It tuns me on to see how many people have visited my profile, let’s go online to my page and look. Do you want to see who is writing me and sending me dirty pictures?

- If we date, I would come over and sleep during the day while you work  (good enough to mention twice)

- I don’t ever watch the news…or read the newspaper it doesn’t impact me

Oh for those playing the home game…..I just realized THIS is Mr. Hearts and Flowers. Figures!

I Just Threw Up a Little

0104stiflerI get allllll kinds of creeps and pervs interested in me. Some of them send nice notes. Others think that we were destined to be together, if I would only realize it.  Sometimes I read the messages, sometimes I’ll even check out their profile and I’m almost never shocked or surprised. Hell, occasionally I’m even flattered.

Until today….

you look absolutely amazing, i know you prob thinking oh this guy is too young, but i was wondering how it would be to spend some time with a person like you :O

I get messages like this fairly regularly and the men are normally in their mid to late 20’s, which is bad enough. So I clicked on his profile…

He’s 19!

An no, it wasn’t Justin Bieber.

A shiver went down my spine as a wave of nausea filled my gut. Did this kid’s mother not give him enough love or what?!

Gross.

Mr. Hearts and Flowers

Been while since I’ve posted because quite frankly, it’s been a while since I’ve been on a legit date. Which brings me to Mr. Hearts and Flowers.

One of those guys that looks great on paper, a sure sign that doom is impending. We exchanged a few messages and then texts and seemed to “hit it off” as much as one can in the cyber world. Since I know nothing means anything until you meet, I simply had hopeful expectations… but not really.

He, on the other hand, started to gush. Immediate red flag in my book. I just kept thinking about Still Married Guy and how he had invited me to Tahoe on vacation before we had ever met. Yeah, we see how well that worked out!

It started innocently where he said he was really excited to meet, he doesn’t usually click so well so fast, how he wants a relationship etc etc etc.

Then he closed his text with emoticons…..of hearts and flowers. 🌺🌻🌸🌹🌷❤💗💛❤💙💜💚😘😘

Oh no you di’int!

I took the approach of pretending it never happened. He says he’s the ultimate romantic. Whereas I am the ultimate cynic…rightfully so I may add. Where my friends were gagging from disgust, I figured I’d cut him slack and hope he doesn’t over do it in person.

We met at my favorite neighborhood place where, I cannot lie, I have been on one or two other dates. Underground cave-like lounge, dimly lit with middle eastern fare and relaxing music. For a moment I thought, shit, if I’m not attracted to him this is such a romantic environment I’m screwed. Oh, and this came about because he asked me to pick where we go (pet peeve of mine, but I digress).

I arrived first and ordered a vodka drink, I needed it. By the time he drove into the city and found a parking spot, I was nearly finished and had a decent buzz. He arrives and I’m pleasantly surprised to see he is much cuter than his photos. And he had a lot of photos. I ask him…

“has anyone ever told that you look like Peter Gallagher?

“Yes. But I get more people that say Chris Noth.

And now ladies and gentlemen, the fun begins. He looks JUST like Chris Noth. And who doesn’t want to go out with him?! !  We’re eating, we’re drinking, we’re having fun. Not until late in the evening does he ask if he can hold my hand and then the seduction began. He wanted to kiss me, I wanted to kiss him and what do you know…my apartment is two blocks away.

Next thing you know, we’re making out, he’s telling me crazy personal stories and it’s Still Married Guy all over again. Well, except no crying, he’s not married and didn’t come out and say “I’m not looking for a relationship.” Actually, he came out and said he is looking for a relationship. But all the girls he meets online only want sex. Pretty funny. I take it all with a grain of salt.

Yadda yadda yadda….he left the next day at noon.

He left me with a lot of information to digest. I need to seriously think about the reality of the types of men available out there. They all have issues….and baggage…and problems….and I inevitably want to fix them all. He seems kind and sweet and I’m very attracted to him. But there are a lot of layers on this onion. If I want to pursue, I’m going to need to roll up my sleeves.

My name is date hater and I’m a fixer. Always have been…probably always will be.

Image

Duhhh……

duhh