Tag Archives: sex

The Mysterious Case of the Two Widowers

Not long ago I discovered a profile online that, quite frankly, seemed too good to be true. Alas, the optimistic romantic in me had no reason to not believe what he said. Late 40’s, handsome widower, professional, no kids etc etc. He wrote about his quest to find love again, how his wife died x number of years ago and he wants to spoil a woman with love, tenderness and affection. Treat her right and show her how gentlemen still exist and chivalry is far from dead. Nothing suspicious about the profile, it was just a bit gushy and over the top for my taste. I chalked it up to the guy being so heartbroken about losing his wife and being new to the dating game.

He writes me and immediately tells me we should text – better than emailing on Match. When he gives me his number it’s from the LA area. Hmmm….”do you live in NY or Cali?” I ask. He gave some long-winded explanation that boiled down to him just moving from LA to NY two weeks ago. Here are some outtakes of the text conversations. They progressively got stranger and his English got progressively worse – neither are good signs.

Him: “I don’t know much around. but it’s quite an interesting place…hope I can find the right woman.

You are quite interesting….have you found a match that suits you online?

You have such a kind and beautiful heart…it will be a dream come true

I’m not a cynical New Yorker, I will use that to my advantage but also take it through your heart and mind….what do you think?

You don’t have to underestimate the power of love…it’s beyond our definition….maybe if we give it a shot 

Are you scared of falling in love? I will look at my time schedule then think of a plan out….how was your day?

Believe me it’s worth it all but I won’t disappoint you…you can take a risk 

Don’t you think love itself is about risk?”

I’ve omitted my part of the conversation because, does it really matter?  WTF kinds of responses are these? Who speaks like this? And his remarks were not even related to what I was talking about. Surely the sign of someone whose native language is other than English. These responses were also over the course of several days that never led to him actually asking me out. I lost interest and became creeped out with the last comment about love and risk taking.

That was that and I moved on. No more than a day or two later I received another email from another late 40’s, professional, handsome widower also pouring his heart out. Only he emailed me this bizarre form letter and also gave me an email saying we should communicate off of match.com.

Good Morning Pretty,

How are you doing? I can’t help but say you are beautiful. I have wondered for years without a possible cure to my heart aches and emotional pains, until stumbled on your enchanting and very exquisite profile, I dream of love, love that inspires, love that makes you feel passion and desire, love that makes you feel complete. I have so much love, tenderness, warmth inside of me and I want to give this to some one special like you. I have viewed your profile and you seem like someone who has a lot of the same interests as I do. I have a daughter called Anna she is very close to me. and it has been very hard to find someone that sparks my interest. I feel that life is too short to be lonely and I would love to find someone caring and respectful to spend some time with. I just join this site to find someone who I will love and care for. I also don’t like drama or complications. I desire to find a woman who is respectful, sincere above all most be honest and it would be nice to find a friend to laugh with, dine with and someone who shares the same interests as I do. I’m easy to get along with, pleasant personality and I consider myself a good man.

I am currently online now and I will really want us to talk. You can reply me to my personal email address mp.robertxxx@xx.xom, or add me to your personal email address so we can get to know each other better. your mail will put a smile on my face……

You can text me ..(315) xxx-xxxx

 Rob…

Hmmm….two widowers, both with the same stats, very handsome, both want to chat offline, both with out of area phone numbers, both over the top ridiculous chit-chat about love with a complete stranger. I ignored it.

The next day both profiles were taken down off match. Was this a precursor to some Liberian Prince financial scam? A serial killer in the midst? A bored guy in prison looking to fill his hour of free Internet allotted for the week? Or just some turd looking to pray on lonely, naïve women by telling them what they think we want to hear?

I have no ending to the story, no idea what their motives were but surely something wasn’t kosher. For anyone that wonders why internet dating is so challenging (or scary or exhausting) this is just one example. Reason enough to convince myself...if it seems to good to be true….

It’s likely a con artist or sociopath in the making.

An Open Letter to My Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

As we were in the early stages of getting to know one another, I thought it was only fair to point out a few things about myself that perhaps, may not be so obvious. I mean, how could you know all the angst and frustration I’ve been through in my dating life? How could you know I’m prone to anxiety and that I’m extremely impatient? – Meaning I am more of what you would call “impulsive” I suppose. How could you know that as much as I trust no man that I date (until he proves that I can, in fact trust him), I still easily fall for someone and can get hurt more easily than I’d like. How could you know that I actually take you for your word and want to believe you when you say you are speaking the truth. Thing is, I don’t really think I’m unique in any of these aspects, I kind of think most women think and believe these things…but hey…how could you know?

To help us both out, I thought it might be useful to exemplify the worst-case scenario of what not to do. What not to say and how not to act, in order to avoid these types of situations for both of our betterment.

 

1. Please do not set a date for a week away after having our initial conversation. I realize, of course, sometimes this is unavoidable, but it’s usually best to move quickly while the iron is hot so to speak. If we do have a week lag before meeting please skip to number 2.

2. Please do not call me twice a day every day and fill that in with multiple texts and emails, specifically when you wake and go to sleep. It’s only going to make me believe you are constantly thinking about me, excited to meet me and that we have an unexplainable connection before ever meeting face to face. All this will do is paint a picture in my mind that you are exactly what I’m looking for, thoughtful, attentive, interested and into me.

This also applies to speaking of the future in any sense. Any plans for the two of us, how we will be doing laundry together, taking weekend trips etc. Don’t even allude to these things. It’s really just putting the horse before the cart. If I could count all the boats, trips and summer homes I’ve been “invited to” prior to a first date I would have been living it up like Beyonce’.

3. On our date, please don’t continue to talk of future plans and then be stroking my hands before dessert comes. Don’t lean in and kiss me at the table repeatedly and act lovingly when we’ve known one another for 3 hours.

4. Please don’t act so interested in my life and my family and wanting to tell me the minutiae of yours. Again, it’s only going to give me the impression that you care and really want to know.

5. Please don’t comment about how fantastic the date is and then proceed to compliment me while you’re crafting the perfectly ideal romantic evening. It really sets the bar quite high that you’re enjoying yourself and having a great time.

6. Please do make mention of another date or plans for another date before the evening is over. It makes me feel you are genuinely interested and sets my mind at ease as to whether I’ll ever see you again. Saying “I’ll call you tomorrow” only works if I believe it’s true.

7. When you do call the next day and end the call, don’t say, “Let’s get together next week. But I’m really busy so I don’t know when. So maybe Wednesday. I don’t know.”

When Wednesday comes and goes and I don’t hear from you I’m already starting to rage that you are inconsiderate and rude, and likely not interested.

8. When you do text me and it’s mundane conversation with no mention of a date, I’m going to wonder WTF and why are you bothering. I’ll assume I’m on your back burner with something or someone of higher importance cooking. I’m also going to wonder how you had so much time last week in your busy schedule to call me twice a day when now you’re barely texting once.

9. So here’s the thing…..I’m going to call you out at some point. I’m going to give you an opportunity to bow out gracefully and be on your merry way. If you don’t have the balls to say, “I don’t think we’re a match” (despite said words and behavior) I’m going to open the door and gently assist you. You see, here’s how we’re different….when I go on a date and have a great time….I actually would like to see you again. And not in a week or two from now. BUT, if it’s unavoidable, I’m going to express my interest and keep the momentum going….to show I am thoughtful and interested in you! That’s how normal people date.

10. Please, when I give you the opportunity to say See Ya…please take it if you have no intention of calling me or seeing me again. What does it accomplish for you to say “we’ll make a date soon!” Why bother? Why keep me lingering? It’s really quite cruel and unfair actually. Unless of course you’re a 15-year-old boy, then of course it’s perfectly par for the course. If I didn’t like you, or had some balls of my own, I would reply with “don’t bother!” What self-respecting woman is going to sit and let a man follow-up for a second date weeks after the first when you were probably not busy with work so much, but more like testing out another relationship you were unsure of.

11. Please I beg you, don’t follow up the “soon” conversation by sending me a text saying “you’ll call me tonight to talk about what’s going on…things haven’t been easy for you lately, you have so much going on…bla bla bla…..”…………..and then NEVER CALL…..again….ever.

 

I’d be lying if I didn’t say this one stung. Although nothing really shocks or surprises me, it still angered, then upset then disappointed me…

Girl gets up off bike, bandages herself up, picks up the bike, and gets back on it to take another ride.

 

How to Spot a Douchebag

This one is actually not a challenge at all . As much as I respect someone who fully represents who they are, I wonder if this person has gone back and read what he wrote as his list of requirements….and realizes what a jackass he truly is.

I have been accused of being shallow but I assure you I am not. I know what I want and I don’t want to waste both our time if we are not a good fit. I respect the wishes of women on here by not emailing them if I am outside of their requirements (I know I am not 6ft tall so I will never email you if thats what you specify). Please respect mine:

1. You consider yourself a step above the rest with respect to taste in clothes, food and furniture even if you can’t afford what you like.

2. You are very into fashion and that’s international fashion, not New England fashion.

3. You have a collection of heels.

4. You do not wear sneakers with jeans and do not date the sneakers and Levi 501 type of guy. Sneakers are meant for the gym and 501 Levi’s are meant to be in the museum!

5. You are very comfortable wearing tight fitting skirts above the knee.

6. You believe showing a bit if cleavage is sexy. (I’m beginning to think that this may be banned in New England).

7. You know who Thierry Mugler is.

8. You have or want to travel.

9. You have no sports team clothing you wear casually.

10. Body type is not important but a sexy walk with attitude is. I love the type who believe they are sexy!

11. Your hair styles are modern and fashionable and you probably have a gay and very cool and trendy hair stylist.

12. You would not have an issue with eating seaweed chocolates.

A Date With My Future Husband

Thought I’d mix things up for once with an optimistic, encouraging and positive spin on internet dating. There’s a shocker for ya!

Even better, I’m not going to divulge anything personal about him in the hopes that I will have nothing to say. In the world of date blogging….no news is good news. After going back and forth for nearly a month with one particular guy who was apparently “out-of-town” and then vanished, things started to look bleak. Not only did he waste my time of writing for a month, but kept telling me how awesome I was and what a great date we would be going on – dinner, wine,etc etc. Talk to the hand buddy – follow-up is key and obviously I was in back burner mode while you were courting someone else. Which is fine. Just don’t keep stringing me along. Next….

Did  another quick trial stint on match.com and here’s where the surprise comes in……found a guy that is…..everything I am looking for. On paper anyhow! That is of course, the tricky part since we all know it means nothing until you meet. All I can say is we have spoken several times, going out in a few days and I’m very excited and optimistic (as much as a dating cynic can be anyhow). No red flags, no noticeable baggage or skeletons and just a nice……normal guy.

Amazing how after all this drama I would be so excited to meet someone deemed “normal”….not boring….not ordinary….but stable, responsible, kind, generous, intelligent, motivated, funny and emotionally and legally available. Wow, can you imagine?!

Who knows what my feedback will be after in the in-person encounter but for the next few days at least, I can refer to him as my future husband for my own benefit and amusement. Everyone wish me luck!

HOT off the press

I would have included this in my previous post, however, it just came in. From a very attractive, very young (early-mid 20′s) man. So it’s pretty clear, if I’d like to have sex  with a different young man every night….it’s pretty much up for the taking. I’m sure you men are jealous and thinking “why the hell not!” Ughhh….

Am I  the only normal person online looking for a relationship?….Don’t answer that. Just read…

Hi there. I am looking for something very different and thought you might be interested. I am looking to put on a show for a woman who is nice looking and classy. Basically I will be nude and get off in front of you with in a kinky way. You can sit back, relax, and enjoy. More and less can happen depending on the situation. I am a very nice and respectful guy and do not do this often at all. I am actually leaving work soon and wont be online at all but would love to talk. Maybe email me if you would like to?

I can also explain to you why I decided to message you specifically.

 

Real Letters from “admirers”

You know I don’t make this shit up. Here’s a few emails I’ve received over the last few weeks….

“Good Morning, I hope that you are enjoying the weekend. I think that your profile is nice. I wantt to be honest with you from the begining and ask you if you might be interested in a submissive man? I am a good, truthful and genuine person.

Please let me know if you might like to talk more.”

 

“Hey! Your profile is too long so I didn’t read it but your pics are very nice. You are a very attractive, young lady!”

 

“I like your profile, hope you say hello, can email you a photo. I work in Manhattan if NJ sounds awful….”

 

“You’re smile is beautiful :)”    (he had to be called out for bad grammar, sorry)

 

“Hi

Would you like to meet for drink and get to know each other that way. I communicate and contact to friend and family by cell phones capable of texting are an excellent tool. We can chat each other by texting.

Have a nice day! “

Dutch Boy

I’m always fascinated by the ever popular dating topic of who pays and when.

I’ve never really thought of it as being a big deal until I started hearing repeated stories from male friends about women calling it quits early on due to the way a man handles or deflects the bill when presented. It’s amazing how a perfectly wonderful evening can come to a screeching halt when the check comes and no one reaches for it, or the woman reaches….and the man says “cool, thanks!”

Just last week I had lunch with a male friend of mine and when I enquired about his love life he told me about a woman he had been on a few dates with.

“Everything was going great, we went out a few times, great girl, very attractive, lots in common and then…nothing. I texted her about a follow up date and she ignored me. I couldn’t possiby understand what went wrong and how she could have lost interest so quickly. Turns out, she admitted when she took out her credit card to pay for the chinese food and I let her pay she was completely annoyed and offended and said I wasn’t the kind of man she was looking for. Meanwhile, I just didn’t want to offend her by insisting on paying. I know women will get insulted if you don’t let them pay when they offer.”

Okay, first off….women will NOT get insulted if you do not let them pay! They will however hold it against you if you do them pay. Let’s just call a spade a spade here. Women offer to pay but as modern or progressive as they may be, they actually have no intention or desire to pick up the bill. Not in the early stages of dating which is say, dates 1-4 or 5. He had no clue. Or chose not to.

What I’ve learned is this. Do not offer to pay unless you are fully prepared and willing to. You can’t offer and then hold it against him. You can, however, make a decision as to whether you’d like to continue seeing them based on such behavior.

Which brings me to my date with Dutch Boy.

So many things that went sour in my brain and indicated his utter cheapness but it capped off with me asking him if he was hungry since it was 7 pm and he says “Not really, I don’t really eat much. Food isn’t important and I don’t have much of an appetite.” First date, I let the food component slide, but this was date two…it’s 7 pm, I’d like to eat. I was hungry so we agreed on the local place I take many of my dates to. We coincidentally sat in the same table where Hearts and Flowers Guy and I sat.

We each ordered a beer and some hummus sampler (I ate most of which). Conversation was fine and perfectly enjoyable but I was starting to feel the romantic connection slipping away. The bill came as I was getting up to go to the bathroom. When I returned, the bill was STILL sitting there with no form of payment on it. I knew exactly what that meant as it was clearly intentional. He THEN reached for his wallet and so I merely glanced at the check when he uttered “$20 from each of us should be good.”

 
Actually my friend……that would be the OPPOSITE of good, but I’m glad you are showing who you are and your preferred and chosen lifestyle to me now because I just lost my lady-wood in a big way. I was so turned off it amazes me how dumb a guy can be for $20. I mean, let’s just say there was a chance of him getting laid…..well, there was NONE after that outburst. Schmuck. Nothing went wrong on the date, it wasn’t malicious, just his choice. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure he was into me.
It was raining and early and I was bored and awake, so we came back to my apt to watch tv and hang out and perhaps make out a little. I’ve never been so cognizant and lucid of what was and wasn’t going to happen. Nice guy, means well, totally clueless as to how offensive and stupid that little move of his was. Normally in a situation like that since he doesn’t live in the city, I’d likely let him sleep over even if we weren’t going to have sex. But Dutch Boy was getting none of my hospitality at this point. Was able to seal the deal when he opened up and told me he keeps women’s underwear as souvenirs. You mean like the way serial killers do?
 
I think you’d better go grab that bus back to Jersey.

The Date Who Came to Dinner…and Wouldn’t Go the Fuck Home

Welcome back dear long time readers and new followers!

It’s been a while since I’ve posted for numeros reasons. Personal shit that has taken precedence over this and then couple it with the fact I haven’t been on a date in a few months. And it was a doozy…

I’m somewhat inspired to finally write again as the date was too good not to share (and when I say good I of course mean awful) and I’m going on a new date tonight with someone I’m looking forward to. He seems cute, funny, nice and normal….but then again most of them do before you meet them. Unfortunately, there is a wicked heat wave and I’m exhausted with no motivation to even think about prepping for what sloppy mess is going to be presented to this guy. Good think I keep Red Bull on hand in the fridge.

But the good stuff….

So the last date/s I had were a few months ago with a real blue ribbon prize winner. If I wasn’t delirious from the heat I would have written this in story form but I figured a bulleted listing of some red flags will suffice for now. We went out a few times, the last of which I made him dinner at my place on a Saturday evening…only to have him squat at my apartment until Sunday at 6pm. Oh and when I say squat I mean asleep…in my bed…and refusing to get up and or leave. While I did this and that around him in the other room.

You’re probably thinking, “Are you stupid, why didn’t you wake his ass up and kick him out?!” At the time I don’t think I realized how rude I would find it not to mention how I would grow to despise him by nightfall. It all crystallized however, when he said to me (upon waking up) “You know, if we start dating – I’ll sleep here during the week and you’ll come out to my place on weekends. I’ll sleep all day while you go to work.”

Ladies……THIS is what’s out there, I kid you not! For those wondering, he “works for himself” and yes it’s in quotes for a reason.

I like to think of the things that we store in the back of our brains to use at a later time as pink flags.Not quite deal-breakers on their own, but when combined or viewed in hindsight – shine like beacons in the night to wake you up from your sex coma and make you realize what a loser you have on your hands.

Pink flag statements:

- Why would I ask about your family? I don’t care about your family, I’m not dating them

- I hate my dad, I’ve thought about killing him for the money

- It tuns me on to see how many people have visited my profile, let’s go online to my page and look. Do you want to see who is writing me and sending me dirty pictures?

- If we date, I would come over and sleep during the day while you work  (good enough to mention twice)

- I don’t ever watch the news…or read the newspaper it doesn’t impact me

Oh for those playing the home game…..I just realized THIS is Mr. Hearts and Flowers. Figures!

It’s Not me….It’s You

 

 

 

More stories coming soon….hold your horses will ya
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Mr. Hearts and Flowers

Been while since I’ve posted because quite frankly, it’s been a while since I’ve been on a legit date. Which brings me to Mr. Hearts and Flowers.

One of those guys that looks great on paper, a sure sign that doom is impending. We exchanged a few messages and then texts and seemed to “hit it off” as much as one can in the cyber world. Since I know nothing means anything until you meet, I simply had hopeful expectations… but not really.

He, on the other hand, started to gush. Immediate red flag in my book. I just kept thinking about Still Married Guy and how he had invited me to Tahoe on vacation before we had ever met. Yeah, we see how well that worked out!

It started innocently where he said he was really excited to meet, he doesn’t usually click so well so fast, how he wants a relationship etc etc etc.

Then he closed his text with emoticons…..of hearts and flowers. 🌺🌻🌸🌹🌷❤💗💛❤💙💜💚😘😘

Oh no you di’int!

I took the approach of pretending it never happened. He says he’s the ultimate romantic. Whereas I am the ultimate cynic…rightfully so I may add. Where my friends were gagging from disgust, I figured I’d cut him slack and hope he doesn’t over do it in person.

We met at my favorite neighborhood place where, I cannot lie, I have been on one or two other dates. Underground cave-like lounge, dimly lit with middle eastern fare and relaxing music. For a moment I thought, shit, if I’m not attracted to him this is such a romantic environment I’m screwed. Oh, and this came about because he asked me to pick where we go (pet peeve of mine, but I digress).

I arrived first and ordered a vodka drink, I needed it. By the time he drove into the city and found a parking spot, I was nearly finished and had a decent buzz. He arrives and I’m pleasantly surprised to see he is much cuter than his photos. And he had a lot of photos. I ask him…

“has anyone ever told that you look like Peter Gallagher?

“Yes. But I get more people that say Chris Noth.

And now ladies and gentlemen, the fun begins. He looks JUST like Chris Noth. And who doesn’t want to go out with him?! !  We’re eating, we’re drinking, we’re having fun. Not until late in the evening does he ask if he can hold my hand and then the seduction began. He wanted to kiss me, I wanted to kiss him and what do you know…my apartment is two blocks away.

Next thing you know, we’re making out, he’s telling me crazy personal stories and it’s Still Married Guy all over again. Well, except no crying, he’s not married and didn’t come out and say “I’m not looking for a relationship.” Actually, he came out and said he is looking for a relationship. But all the girls he meets online only want sex. Pretty funny. I take it all with a grain of salt.

Yadda yadda yadda….he left the next day at noon.

He left me with a lot of information to digest. I need to seriously think about the reality of the types of men available out there. They all have issues….and baggage…and problems….and I inevitably want to fix them all. He seems kind and sweet and I’m very attracted to him. But there are a lot of layers on this onion. If I want to pursue, I’m going to need to roll up my sleeves.

My name is date hater and I’m a fixer. Always have been…probably always will be.